Is it forever yet?

I never knew that five minutes could feel like an eternity but as he kissed all along my body, stamping those little, perfectly placed kisses that I had come to enjoy and bathe in, that is what it felt like...a five minute eternity. He started with his lips at my lips and worked his way down slowly and carefully, to my neck, trailing down to my shoulders, then my bare back, next my hips, and then all the way down until he reached my toes; all the while I lay there with my eyes closed soaking up the zen-like feeling that washes over me whenever he completes this selfless act.  

I said to him, "I think it's been 5 minutes." To which he replied with a small laugh, "You think I was really going to just kiss your body for 5 minutes?" and he continued to cover me with his lips. They felt like tiny butterfly kisses giving me chills. I wanted to be pinched. To know this wasn't a dream. But I knew it wasn't. 

I had asked him to pinch me days ago when we made up. Yes, we made up. I appreciate everyone who wrote me with kind words and bad jokes during the time I needed friends. I hope to return the favor if any of you need it. We didn't make up as much as he forgave me. I am still forgiving myself, it will take time but I am sure it will happen. He forgave me and I was smiling inside. I don't know fully what made him decide I was worth another chance but I am honored. I have promised to be more open and to try harder at making things successful this time.

No lies. No secrets. No boundaries. We are both no longer going to hold back how we feel. Love is not something that should be hidden anyway.

I promised with words what I would do. He signed his contract in blood. As shocking as it initially was it did convey his seriousness about me. 

Blood oaths and the blood brothers concept (which actually started among large groups) was very common in ancient Mediterranean Europe where, for example, whole companies of Greek soldiers would become as one family. A Mistress and her slave are one family as well.

Day 3: Acceptance

Today was a busy day for me. I've been doing more than just laying around. I've cleaned (a little), changed my whips, paddles, and chains hanging rack to a nice coat, purse, and hat rack, spent time with the cat and more importantly I've been out of bed. Still haven't eaten or slept. I'm starting to feel a bit aberrant. Overall, I suppose this is what I would classify as the "Mundane" part of my life that I was trying to get away from...

My friends have been texting me jokes all day to try and cheer me up. They were so cheesy that I couldn't be paid to laugh at them! But it was a valiant effort.

Worst one: What do clouds wear under their clothes? Thunderware!

I talked with the bf more and he is a semi-let down as he was suppose to be here last Friday and still hasn't come down. He keeps "falling asleep" whenever he is suppose to catch the train here. I can tell he doesn't fully understand my feelings in regards to the drama that has unfolded. He wants me to express my feelings but also keeps saying if I want I can always find another slave.

I know the words are that easy, but the action is not. I have no intentions of pursuing other slaves at this time. I obviously need to work on myself first. I need to learn what it means again to own a slave and to fully share my life and all things included in that with someone. It's easy for me to be with the bf because he is so far away, he is passive and unassuming. He never really asks the hard questions and he pretty much listens to whatever I say. He doesn't let his curious nature bud with me and things in my life. But, I want to get to a point where I really mean it when I say "I am open, ask me anything." I really have accepted that the situation is out of my hands now and whatever will happen will happen.

So, I went down to the school today to use the art facilities before they closed for the semester. There were a few straggler, tortured artists left still working on projects. They eyed me as if I were a Russian spy entering their Artist base, but I waved, made some mention of Andy Warhol being a genius and they were off my trail quickly. This was the first time I'd been to the Art room at school. Usually I've got my camera strapped to me and I snicker as I pass by here, seeing them all covered in paint. Happy that my trade doesn't involve such messiness. But today I long to be messy, to have an outward expression of how I am feeling.

I grabbed the tools I was most familiar with: paintbrush, oil paints, paint thinner, newspaper, and a blank canvas. Now, I have a strong passion for the arts. My abilities started out with doodling (my Dad can draw very well), moved to actual drawings, then progressed to painting and somehow that evolved into my Photography. I haven't actually painted in quite some time. Mainly because I am what I like to call a "copy artist". I can paint and draw whatever I see. But I am unable to come up with original ideas on my own. And yes, I know everything is just a version of something else but I mean I never sit down to a blank canvas without some sort of magazine, book, picture clipping, etc.

But today I did.

I prepped the paint and I sat at the canvas for 25 minutes. That's how long it took before I began to sketch and outline....

...and I began to paint.

Day 2: Will I ever be the same?

It's 9am. I type this as my former sleeps in my bed.

He breathes heavily and softly all at once, almost sounding like a soft motor in a car. It seems effortless. You'd almost forget he's hurting. I stare at his face, studying the lines and definitions, that even in the darkness of the room I can still make out from the splashing sunshine thru the door cracks. I want to touch him and be touched by him. When I graze his face lightly with the back of my hand he purrs softly but does not wake. You'd almost forget that he his hurting. I don't want to forget him. I don't want to forget what he looks like so peaceful so I look harder at his closed eyes, his soft lips and beautiful skin. I want to feel him kiss me. Kiss my feet and place those tiny, quick kisses all over my body again...but somehow I am not sure I deserve that ever again. 

He came over because I texted him that I just needed someone. I didn't want to be alone. Not tonight. Not again. And without words he came. I almost thought I was dreaming when he walked thru the door. Surely I did not deserve his kindness. But we talked and still...he was angry. And rightfully so. He said that for now he would be my friend and nothing more.

This is more than I could ask for. He is concerned with my sleeping. This is Day 2 without him, but Day 4 for me with no real sleep. I get 20 minutes here and there but my mind is too busy and my heart is too heavy for slumber to overcome me. He tries everything to help me fall asleep, even holding me close to him; an opportunity I selfishly take to inhale his intoxicating scent. But tonight I do not smell his cologne. I just smell him, it is a bit sweet with his sweat and own body scent. This is the first time I have smelled him and I like this better than the cologne.

I crawled out of bed while he fell asleep. He had a bad dream and called out my name, my actual name not "Mistress" and I awoke him to make sure he was okay. I am assuming it was a bad dream because surely he cannot think well of me...even in his dreams.

After he fell quickly back to sleep I came here...to my addiction. Writing. Typing. It soothes me when nothing else will do. I go by Mistress L. I use to tell people the "L" stood for Lovely. But now I think it stands for something else: Loser, Lame, Liar, Lost... I am not myself. I cannot eat. I cannot sleep. All I do is think and the thoughts are ever consuming. He says that we will just have to see what happens, that good things happen to good people.

But what happens to good people who do bad things? Are they granted deliverance? Or are they eternally scarred, never fully to recover from their shame?

Day 1: Random ramblings

I can quickly see why that horrible current internet phenomenon "Twitter" might be so popular. I definitely have the urge to micro-blog, to get the thoughts swirling around in my head on paper or out into the cyber world. It almost feels like too much for me to collectively go thru. There were more tears last night. And I'm sure there will be for awhile. 


For anyone who knows me personally and reads this I'm sure you will find that shocking; as many of you have never seen me cry, probably never knew I was capable of it haha. But fear not I am human. Despite my best efforts to remain neutral, in control, and always composed...this is me breaking down. I tried to sleep. No success. I was just starting to conquer the chronic insomnia (it actually helped to have my slave fall asleep with me) but last night I took my regular dosage: 6 sleeping pills. I should be happy for the 3 hours of sleep it granted me but really it just pisses me off. They aren't called "Napping Pills" dammit. I want to sleep, sleep and feel numb and tumble into dreamworld where things aren't so fucked up. Where I'm not so fucked up.  


I'm sleeping on just my mattress. I removed the sheets, the blankets, fuck even the pillowcases all because they smell like him. I admittedly have passed his collar several times just to smell the ever fading scent of him. Will I ever smell his cologne again? As I was drifting off last night I could only think of his smile the first time I met him. It was the smile I had come to expect and worry over when it wasn't present. I can only imagine what I've done to his smile... I talked with the bf last night for over 5 hours (sometimes he's a doll like that), running in circles in my head. He listened to me cry, get angry, calm down, talk, cry some more, question my human weakness, it was a vicious cycle. My only thought kept being, Why, why did I do this? It was miscommunication but I am the Queen of saying what's on my mind. I don't know why I didn't express my feelings/fear that my slave might not be taking things seriously to my slave himself!  


I've talked to all my friends, vanilla and bdsm alike and the consensus across the board is I did mess up. But many of them are split on the outcome of the issue. 75% of them think this is something forgivable, 20% think this is unforgivable, 5% think it is based entirely off the two people involved. At least they all forgive me. I wish I could enjoy the comfort in that more. My former seems to think I took pleasure, pride, joy from cheating. I did not. It was only for ONE time (and yes I will keep harping that dammit) and it wasn't what I expected. But the reality of it was stark within moments of playing with the other sub. I feel like the very essence of everything I was had been violated, and I had invited that. 


I can only go as Freudian as my 3 years worth of Psychology will let me and branch out to say I made a secret second profile on Collarme and a second blog here because on some level I wanted to get caught. I wanted to be found out. Many people I know tell me I have a flawless personality. Yes I have actually heard these words several times. It's unnerving. It's nearly heart stopping to hear that people think you don't have flaws. The pressure of that statement alone is enough to make you want to spit in their face. I am flawless. I am full of flaws. I cuss at my Mom, I pee with the door open, I snore, I can be a royal bitch when I'm hungry, I always think I'm right, I can be too logical, etc etc. I am riddled with flaws. Just like you, or her, or him, or anyone else. It's the beauty and tragedy of being human...
 

"He who is devoid of the power to forgive, is deviod of the power to love." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

Shattered dreams

Tears obscure my vision as I type these words.

I've been bawling for hours now and I'm just about all out of tears.

I have fucked up.

I have taken the main component of every functioning relationship (BDSM or vanilla), trust, and I have smashed it to bits.

I cheated on my slave.

Yes technically it's cheating because he didn't agree to enter a relationship with me that involved another slave, just the bf.

For those of you who think this entry might be too "vanilla" and too "dramatic" please kindly fuck off and hit the red x in the top right corner of your screen.

For those of you who care to read on it's as simple as any other mistake.

I fucked up.

Despite all my reasons, all my efforts, all my lame excuses it happened.

I am not happy about it. It was only ONE time but it has caused significant damage.

My slave has been trying to get me to come clean for about almost 2 weeks now and I have lied. I've had a hard time looking at myself in the mirror every night, despite what he thinks.

I did/do care about him. I would never do anything to directly hurt him

But in all honesty I didn't think he cared.

I just thought I was another casual Mistress to fill his time with.

I did not think that he cared about me...that he may possibly be in love me.

No, that was not even in the farthest reach of my mind.

I feel like a horrible person. I feel like I should just stand in front of the firing squad and let them have their way with me. Most of all I feel lost. This isn't me.

So, if you don't see me around for a bit it's not because I don't care. It's because I am mending my dignity. It's because I have no more crafty words. It's because I'm facing the music and no one is dancing...

***And if said former slave is reading, I am sorry. I didn't mean to distrust you. You have to understand that once you get fucked over by too many people you stop trusting everyone. We all make mistakes and I hope that someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me and that you understand you didn't do anything to warrant this.****

What's mine is yours???

Owning a slave is much like owning a bike. You don't just loan your bike to anyone. Maybe your sister (after insistent begging), your neighbor and your best friend. I did the latter. I let my friend play with my slave last night. 

She had begged and begged and since I was feeling nice I decided "What the heck?" The evening started off carelessly enough, eating out, light drinking...I was sure that they didn't like each other because they weren't interacting much and my friend being the brass sass she is stated that my slave smelled like he "bathed in his cologne" (it's the scent I often mention that I adore). 

But he brushed her off thankfully. Perhaps he won her over by paying her bill or downing four beers as she would've but by the end of dinner things seemed lighter. We drove back to my place to prepare for the duel Domme session. For all intent purposes my friend is a switch. She claims to be a sub but she enjoys delivering pain almost as much as she enjoys receiving it. That night she was honing in on her dominant side. She asked me if I would blindfold him because his eyes were 'too pretty' to look at while she would be whipping him. A thought I've often had but am slowly but surely getting over.  

I prep/pep talked my slave before anything started. I let him know that he didn't have to do this, there would be no assplay, and that he could use the safety word at any time. But his only response was "I will do this Mistress".  

And so it began...

I tied him to a chair in the bedroom. He sat there blindfolded, God knows what going thru his mind. I told him that he was to show the same respect to my friend as he showed me (he was to refer to her as Queen and me as Mistress), use manners, and again that the safety word was the only thing that could help him. She immediately placed the clothespins I had so absent-mindedly suggested on each of his nipples, his light moan got my blood flowing a bit. I began a combination of biting and kissing all along his thighs as she pinched the clothespins tighter. 

She whipped him in his chest and he said, "Thank you Queen". I tied his feet together at the ankles and began biting his neck as she continued to whip him, further down his body now. After a few moments I told him to stand and then get on all fours. This is when her Domme side really came out. As she took the whip I had given her and begin to what I can only describe as 'punish' his back. I crawled underneath of him and put two more clothespins on his nipples. 

He exerted the moan I loved hear once more. "Thank you Mistress" were his only words. I slid out from under him and took one of the ice cubes we had in the room and began rubbing it on his back where red marks were already starting to appear. I handed my friend the leather paddle I had, in hopes that he would be subjected to less pain but it seemed the paddle gave her more power. She begin paddling his ass beyond a bright rosy red until he had said it was too much. 

She backed off slightly but did not stop.  

Whack!  
Whack!
Whack!
Whack!

Her paddle slaps made a rhythmic almost hypnotizing sound. I broke the cycle by telling my slave to beg for more. When we were finished spanking him I ordered him to the bed. It was there we played with his cock and I clipped a wireless vibrating nipple clamp to his balls. He took to this very well. I had been meaning to shave my slave's chest and this seemed like a good time.


"I am leaving you alone with Queen slave, you are to listen to her" I announced as I left the room I heard a faint almost fearful "Yes Mistress".  

In the bathroom I counted as I got the water, razor and shaving cream ready. I promised myself not to leave my slave alone longer than 120 seconds but as I quickly approved 97 in my head I realized I might have been too late. When I walked him I could hear my slave moan and see his body arching up. My friend was scratching his entire chest area. 

As I came closer, even in the darkly lit room I could see that she had left a trail of where her nails were in his flesh. 

I tried not to focus on it much but whispered in his ear "You know the safety word" to which he nodded. I turned on the razor I had and it made an overly dramatic buzzing sound. My slave flinched...and rightfully so.

"Do you know what this sound is slave?" I asked over the humming.  

"No Mistress" was the most he could muster. I informed him that I would be shaving his chest. I would be shaving a letter "L" into his chest hair to remind him that I owned him. 

Even with my friend still scratching his stomach he remained very still as I shaved him. I sat on him before leaving and ordered him to say 'Thank You' to my friend. When he didn't say it loud enough I slapped him in the face until he did. When I returned after cleaning up the shaving items he was even more red. I wanted to kiss away his pain and so I began kissing his thighs and legs and stomach.  

"You know a slave is like a bicycle" I said to my friend after kissing his legs. 

"You've fucked up my ride," I stated motioning to my slave's chest.  

She giggled and replied," Ah come on, you baby him too much".  

Now my slave laughed with her. "Let's see how you like some pain" I said as I slapped her jean clad ass in an instant with the paddle I held in my hand.  

She squealed, unexpectedly. "And no one said you could laugh" I told my slave as I slapped his bare ass with the same paddle.  

I went back and forth slapping both their asses simultaneously. Her squealing, him moaning. I wondered in my mind if just two asses counted as a "spankfest" but they seemed to enjoy it. Somehow the evening started out with two Dommes and a slave and ended up with one Domme, a slave, and a very vocal sub. I like to think that's not a bad night by most people's standards...but I am not sure how often I will be lending my bike to my heavy-handed friend...not at least until my bike is all healed up.

HNT #4

Yay! More of the girls!

This is them again in their "birthday suit"
Enjoy!

Wednesday Weirdness #56

WW #56
Questions by: ASM

1. If your boss says, "I would like to talk to you about your internet usage" what would your first reaction be? I would think "Fuck! That's what I get for checking my blog so much..."

2. If you SO asks you "Does this make me look fat?" how do you answer? I'd usually respond with a joke, but tell the truth in the end. If only because I would want the truth if I asked.

3. What is one thing that you pay for, but resent having to do so? Rent. It's much more than I'd like to pay but I really love my apartment. *sigh* The eternal struggle continues.

4. A day is being created in honor of you. How should we celebrate it? By getting fucked up and having crazy drunken sex tales...much like some of my past weekends.

5. What CD or Album in your music collection do you secretly enjoy, but would be embarrassed if others heard you grooving to it? Kelly Clarkson. Don't. Even. Ask.

6. How long do you think you would last if you were a contestant on Survivor? I'd like to think long, but in all honesty probably about 2-3 weeks. I often go to my cellphone for help; directions, movie play times, a nasty rash on my leg...hello WebMD, flat tire...howstuffworks.com, bored...text some friends. I am inexplicably a slave to my Blackberry.

Kneepads? Check!

I've been on my knees a lot this weekend. And yes, get your mind in the gutter. This weekend the bf came down from out of state and it was his birthday. Definitely occasion to get on my knees and give him mind-exploding blowjobs (he'd describe it like that if he could speak while getting them). Since I first held a cock in my mouth I knew there would be no going back. Life would not be the same ever again now that I knew what a "blowjob" was. That was when I was 15 and I had several initial questions: -Why don't they call it a suckjob since that's what you're really doing? -What is lockjaw? -Should I touch the balls? -How do I avoid drooling? -What are some techniques for teeth placement? It's funny to think back to a time when I really analyzed blowjobs. But this is how I am. When I find something I enjoy, I try my hardest to perfect it. 

So I practiced often. First on inanimate objects that couldn't give any feedback, good or bad, then I moved on to my boyfriends. Most of them said I was doing fine...but I wanted to be "amazing", "fucking hot", and "don't stop". I quickly learned that the more cock I sucked the better I got at it. And most important I really really enjoyed having a dick in my mouth. In high school I was a cheerleader. I was popular. I had no trouble finding willing suckees. I sucked dicks like lollipops! I often had guys comment on my DSL and it all went uphill from there.  

But I noticed that guys started to get lazy on their end. Men, if a woman is willing to suck your cock (and enjoy it!) then remember these simple three rules: 1. Wash, wash, wash! Clean your cock! We'd rather taste soap than dick cheese 2. Don't put your hand on the back of heads unless asked. We know which direction to go 3. Tell us BEFORE you come! Don't try the "Oops it just happened" crap. It'll be your first and last blowjob guaranteed I guess I'm just saying all and all to this day there's nothing I find more erotic than sucking a nice cock for 25 minutes or more. So that was my present to the bf. If you're reading this...Happy Birthday babe! And Happy Birthday to the other birthdays this weekend also!  

Ctrl+Alt+Del

It seems I've done enough busy blogging and avoiding talking about the issue at hand with my slave. Thanks to everyone who has written inquiries. I'll give you the cliff notes.

The verdict is in: My slave "really really cares"

Or so that's his excuse for invading my privacy. The issue with slave 2 mushroomed into another whole realm of things. Without completely rehashing the events, my slave went thru some things of mine and thru an account on a website I'm a member of because he "really really cares". This was his explanation as to why he was compelled by an invisible force to commit such acts.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am a fairly private person. You wanna talk gripes, ask me, you wanna know celeb gossip, I'm the go-to girl, relationship issues, count me in...but when it comes to myself personally; outside of sex....that's where I sorta clam up. I don't mind sharing info about me in bits and pieces over time but I've never been one for long drawn out heartfelt talks. If someone tries to read an email I'm typing I get snippy, too many questions about where I've been and I've been doing and I get defensive. And everyone knows the number one rule of being my friend is:
Don't touch my shit.

But slave was unaware of this. He stated what many past boyfriends have stated. I'm secretive and vague. In all honesty, I am. I like it that way sometimes. It keeps from things interfering with one another.

So he went thru some stuff, accused me of lying, involved some outside friends of mine, and then on top of it all apologized after he sought justification for his actions. First and foremost I don't lie. I've never seen a need to. Unless I'm trying to get out of trouble, oh and little white lies about my friend's new car (it's hideous!), but lying to the magnitude I was accused of...never. It hurt.

But my slave "really really cares"

I keep stating it like that because I don't think caring gives you a right to do the things he did. But, it's been a few days and things in the eye of our storm are settling down. I have been all but forced not to even mention slave 2's name when in my current slave's presence. I have agreed to not even be friends with him anymore. But my slave thinks I don't care. I care.


I care so much that I'm trying to move past this bullshit.
I care so much that I forgive him.
I care so much I have put his happiness before mine.

I don't think a slave could ask for a better Mistress. Past slaves I would've kicked to the curb but I wanted to prove a point. We can grow. Everyone has the ability to at least learn from mistakes and be given a second chance. Whether or not I actually did what I was accused of, this my second chance with my slave. And whether or not I am still royally pissed that he riffed thru my things, this is his second chance.

It almost feels like things can go back to the way they were...
But almost only counts in horseshoe and hand grenades so we'll see.

HNT #3

Let's be honest my breasts are the center of my body...really about 48% of my body...so here's to another HNT, an ode to them!

This was in Wal-Mart one day that the sales were "Tops-Off-Low".

I can't resist a deal!

So this is the girls in their shopping wear.

TMI Tuesday #186

Ahh, I almost missed it =) But getting it in under the wire before midnight! More into the mind of this Mistress...

1. Which traits from your parents do you see in yourself?
-From my Mom, I definitely see my sometimes "overly" giving nature. Often resulting in spreading myself too thin; which can be a good or bad thing.
-From my Dad I think I get his temper and tendancy to hold things in and then sorta explode. I've been trying for years to not fall into that pattern.

2. Which traits from you/your partner do you see in your children (if you don't have kids, which would you like to see)?
Hahahaha...me, a Mistress....with children? Don't make me laugh again.

3. How did you get the birds-and-bees talk?
I never actually got that talk. My parents just said "If you get pregnant, you get kicked out of the house. Period" That was enough explaination for me.

4. What was your favorite childhood book?
"The Giving Tree". I still have my orginial copy. Now that I've re-read it as an adult I realize it's slightly depressing...

5. What is your favorite piece of erotic literature?
Hmm...I could never really narrow that down to just one =)

Bonus: What is the one thing you wish you could go back and tell yourself as a child?
"Whatever you do, enjoy your childhood and freedom. Don't grow up too fast."

Double Bonus: If your life were a book or movie, what would the title be?
"Girl Gone Wild!"

I'm pissed, kitty's pissed!

Sometimes...

When life gives you lemons, you build a lemonade stand and make lemonade. Then use the profits of your lemonade business to buy a machine gun. Let's see if life makes the same mistake twice...

Yeah, take that lemons!

2's a couple, 3's cool, 4's a crowd?

It's only been 3 days since I last wrote but it feels like I have been missing very important therapy sessions. Blogging (and writing in general) has always calmed me, helped me make sense of otherwise messy thoughts, and just downright feels and sounds good (with myself being a significantly above average typist).

But Mistress L what could have happened in a mere 3 days you ask?

Well in such a short time my slave and I have gone from near perfect harmony to...well...inharmonious. We have hit a few bumps in the road: orgasm denial, an additional slave, my bad communication, his bad assumptions.

The orgasm denial debacle started two weeks ago, when I gave my slave a masturbation regime. He was following it brilliantly, but then I changed it up (add bad communication) and he didn't follow thru (and a dash of his bad assumptions). Since then it has been an awful cat and mouse game between the two of us with our orgasms and "saving" them for each other.

Which apparently got fucked up today when I brought myself to orgasm twice without him.

The additional slave thing is not really an issue as so much a passing thought. I originally got a slave so that I could treat it like a slave. Unfortunately I have grown very fond of my slave (remember his disarming smile and bright eyes I mentioned before?) and it has become increasingly difficult for me to exhibit some of the actions that I am into or want to try.
 

Namely: face slapping, spitting in ones mouth, walking on/trampling, shoe worship, hair pulling, choking, complete objectification, body modification.

Now I know this list seems...well....not Mistress L-ish, but that's the point! To push your limits and find new boundaries. It just seems with my current slave I am unable to execute these for various reasons. We even got into our first argument about the issue the other night and it was not pretty.

I found an excellent candidate for a second slave, or at least to train for a bit. He is into all of these things. We'll call him slave 2. The tantalizing beauty of integrating him into my life is that he nearly has no limits, let me say that again....he has very very few limits. He has the obvious ones such as no children, animals, anything illegal, nothing with men, etc. But beyond that he is a clean  and open slate.

It's like giving a kid the key to the candy store or in this case...

Giving a Mistress the key to the sex shop. It's
downright hot!

I was hoping that by practicing these things on slave 2, I would in turn become more comfortable with implementing them into my current slave and mine routine. But he's really adamant against another slave. Even though he goes back and forth between reminding me he'd be upset and telling me to do whatever makes me happy. *sigh*

I have promised that I will not train another slave, especially one of this nature but I cannot deny that it is something that I seek to experiment with. The yearning for that will not die down easily.

Perhaps there is a middle ground to be struck....or maybe I just really do want too much?

HNT #2

Just a peek

Another shot of the girls this week...this is their day wear =)

Pack your bags ladies and gents

I saw my slave tonight (as do I most nights) and he was all smiles. That's one of the things I adore about him; he always has a very disarming smile on his face. So, after some training...he made the bed, rubbed my feet, kissed all over my body...and then we began our ritualistic talks. We covered many topics but somewhere along the way 

I happened to ask an interesting question: I asked him what he would do if I were to move to another state. After some thinking he said he would come with me. I reminded him that he had friends and family here and if he moved he would not have those. He said it wasn't that important. 

Then he said: "Would you take your car if you moved?"

"My car?" I asked confused.  

"Yes your car Mistress, would you take it if you moved?" he asked again.  

"Well yes, of course" I said quickly.  

"And why is that?" he asked.  

"Well I would need it" I said.  

"Exactly, and you own it. It is yours. You own me and I would be yours to take" he responded matter of factly.

I love when he says things like this to me. It is just a small kernel of devotion that reminds me that he is mine. I do own him; mind, body, and soul.

TMI Tuesday #185

I found another little nifty tradition floating around here on Blogger. TMI (Too Much Info) Tuesdays! Yippee! Sharing info is always fun. There are no real rules or guidelines just answering the questions honestly. Enjoy peeking inside Mistress L's head readers!

1. Have you ever bought a membership to a porn site? If yes, what is the most recent one and did you like it? Nope, I'm not really into porn ironically enough. I find it way too amusing to take even semi-serious nor erotic. Also I feel like the acts of sex are free, why the heck do we have to pay for it?! Poor poor men around the world wide web.

2. Would you rather watch a erotic/porn movie, read a story, or listen to an audio? Why? I would probably rather read an erotic story. I love visualizing what's being described to me. Helps me get my creative juices flowing!

3. If you have a significant other what do you do for each other to get in the mood? If you don't what would you kind of thing could a future potential long term partner do to get you in the mood? Well the bf and I try to be open and communicative especially with foreplay. There's some kissing, a little rubbing, maybe a little sucking...but, I'm not really a foreplay kinda woman, I like a small amount of titillation and then right to the main event! That probably comes from the fact that I'm in the  15% of women who can only orgasm from penetration alone.

4. When it comes to sex, how much do you talk about it with others? How comfortable are you talking about sex? I talk about sex a lot haha. All my friends come to me for advice in this subject and people I know are usually not surprised at my sexapades. I love talking about sex and sexual related things because I think it's a good insight of someones true personality.

5. What are the last 5 things you search for on Google (or another search engine)?
-Percentage of women who orgasm only from penetration
-Chinese basketball players
-How to uninstall Netflix from Xbox 360
-Dominant "top drop"
-Fetish boots

Bonus: Have you ever had a fantasy that you were ashamed of? Yes, just one. Where I fantasized about my friend's dad doing dirty dirty things to myself and my friend. I'm sick in the head I know haha. Did I mention I was 16 at the time?

The Thinking Dominant: Love

The Thinking Dominant usually has some pretty interesting questions to pose.

The latest ones are no different. Though I have to admit I have been avoiding answering these questions since they've been posted in February...I haven't wanted to offend anyone but I think I'm ready to answer them honestly.

I hope that people reading these remember these are just one Mistress's opinions, it is not what's right, it may not even be what is usual, it just based off my perspective...

Topic: Love
Questions:

Is love different in D/s relationships compared to vanilla ones?
Yes. Absolutely. I only say this with such conviction because having been on both ends of the paddle I realize how much trust it takes to obey or command. I don't think that you can offer that sort of raw-openness in vanilla relationships because intentions (no matter how good) usually are not written out. Part of what makes the D/s relationship work is that both parties know what to expect when going in but in vanilla relationships part of the relationship is the mystery of asking yourself, "Where will this go?"

Do Dominants and submissives love differently?
I am not sure if it is different but I believe it is expressed differently. Again I have to point to the level of trust and communication it takes to make these specific types of relationships to work. It takes a lot of trust to turn your bare ass to someone and know that they will not hurt you even though they have an instrument that could in their hand. Just as it takes trust to know that the submissive is being honest about wanting this and will not later claim abuse, etc.

Have you experienced submissives falling in love faster than Dominants?
I have. As a Dominant (who was briefly a submissive as part of a learning experience) I have to say that many of my submissives feel very deeply for me very quickly. Some not as deep as others but it is surprising how often I hear "I feel like I have known you for a long time". I believe this comes from the level of intimacy shared between a D/s. It's an emotional roller coaster when you are in play or a session. And once you are finished or at least calming down you are able to reflect and understand why you just did what you did. I think it's easier to pinpoint feelings when there is nothing in between the two parties like fancy dinners, small talks getting to know one another, forced dates, etc.

Are there types of love in D/s?
Yes. I think what type of love varies depending on what degree of D/s they are engaged in.

None of this is to say that vanilla relationships are not cable of the level of love expressed in a D/s relationship or vice versa. One does not supersede another. It is just meant to show that some emotion is there. It isn't all leather, spankings, and obedience.

Because underneath all of that, there are still two people doing something that they enjoy.

A Mistress gets what a Mistress wants

Tonight I briefly mentioned to my slave that I was toying with the idea of getting a second slave to help me with some of the BDSM events. The new slave would essentially be my lackey. 

But, he didn't seem to fancy this idea. To his credit his initial response was "Whatever you would like Mistress" But when I gave him permission to speak freely he said otherwise. He had some valid points...and he is currently my favorite (and only!) slave. 

Perhaps he is right...a boyfriend and a slave, what more could a girl really want???

@ my beck & call

Thursday night was a pleasant night, filled with tiny surprises throughout. =)

I had a busy, busy day. I attended a privately run BDSM costume party in Philly to photograph the event. The drive there was fun (I find driving very relaxing), the party was astonishing for such a small get-together, and the costumes were just great. I am however not able to post any pictures due to release forms (insert crowd "awww"). If you're reading this and I met you at the party please don't feel shy about saying 'hi'! It was a pleasure meeting all the new and interesting faces. But, I had to leave the party early to head back to DC. I was meeting my slave for a bit and then picking up the bf from his out of state bus ride to see me for the weekend. 

I came home, showered off the scent of heavy perfumes, sweat, leather, and a lot of sexual tension. I texted my slave that he was to come over and be waiting in his spot if I was still in the shower washing my hair. He was to stay there until I was finished. Luckily for him once he arrived at my apartment after work I was finished showering and such. He immediately put on his collar and leash (God, I love seeing him in it), and went to his spot until I called him in.

He had texted me earlier, "On my way over with bad news."

Now, I don't know about you but when I hear someone say "bad news" my mind immediately goes for the worse...at least that way if it's not the worst I am pleasantly surprised. So at the moment the worst I could think of was that he was moving out of country (he is from another country) and going back home. I hate to admit that however brief it was, there was a tightening in my chest at the thought of not being able to have him. So when I called him into the room I was sitting in I asked him,

"So tell me what this bad news is already"

To which he replied, "Please Mistress don't be mad or angry at me..."

I scrunched up my face in anticipation of what was to come.

"I lost my necklace, I can't find it." He said with slight panic in his voice.

Oh, just the damn necklace I thought in relief. Not that this necklace isn't important but it's not on the same scale as potentially losing your slave. The "necklace" we speak of is a set of necklaces that we decided to exchange when I took my slave as mine in training. They are a very elegant yet simple form of daytime collar that we wear at all times. He had not worn it the past two times I saw him and I had let it slide. But really if my slave forgets his (he is only allowed to remove it shower or swim) then he gets punished. Which is what happened next.

"Go to the bedroom and get in the punishment position," I said as sternly as I could muster. 

Granted he was in trouble and I was pretty annoyed that he'd lost the necklace we promised to wear and cherish, I was more excited that I'd get to spank him. I am not one of those Mistresses who hits their slaves just for the hell of it. I've got to have a good enough reason...good enough at least to me before I exhibit anything beyond general hair pulling, nipple biting, light smacking and the likes. This was exactly that. It would be the first time my slave would be punished.

I waited a few moments before walking to the bedroom where he half laid across the bed, ass in the air, hands over his head. I looked for my favorite leather paddle and tapped it a few times on my hand as I spoke to myself 

"This should be good" I muttered.

I walked over to my slave, rubbed his back then yanked down his boxers exposing his bare bottom. I took the paddle in my right hand and a handful of his hair in my left.

"Tell me you're sorry" I commanded.

SMACK! Before he could answer "I'm sorry Mistress."

"Louder!" I raised my voice.

"I'm SORRY Mistress," he repeated.

SMACK!

This time he jumped a little. "Tell me what you're sorry for" I tested him.

"I'm sorry for losing the necklace," he responded weakly.

SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! The black, leather paddle become one with my hand.

"That's right that you're sorry, tell me again" I stated again.

"I'm sorry Mistress, I'm sorry," this time I knew he meant it.

I smacked him a bit harder. He jumped at contact of the paddle and his ass.

"You are sorry. You are being disrespectful to your Mistress. You wear this necklace for a reason, what is that reason?" I asked him as I rubbed his back slowly in circles.

"I wear it to remind me that I am yours. You own me Mistress" he said.

This was an acceptable response. I smacked him a few more times for good measure, pulled up his boxers and then told him to get into the worshipping position. He did so immediately. I told him to stay in that position and count to 60 and then come to me in the living room.

After a minute he arrived in with a smile on his face. "Thank you Mistress" he said to me as he sat by my feet to rub them.

He is a good slave.

And it is for that reason that I permitted to get more than tipsy with him. He brought alcohol over and we had planned to drink lightly. We played a video game (he sucked haha), and drank beer and took shots. I do not know what other Mistresses do with slaves but I have found if I can connect with my slaves on more than a M/s level I receive better performances from them. So we drank and since I had not eaten since Philly all the alcohol I consumed was going straight to me. I ordered my slave to make me a cheese sandwich, which he did in a timely fashion but it was too late. The drinks were already taking affect. We talked and soon I began rubbing on him. This week he is going thru a masturbation training regime, where he is not to touch himself or orgasm unless the regime calls for it, which I know it doesn't until Saturday. Some days it specifies he can come close to orgasming but not complete it. One day he is to only rub himself on objects around his home.

"What's your task today?" I asked slyly.

"No touching or rubbing myself" he stated honestly.

I told him to get on his knees. "Well it says you can't touch or rub yourself, it doesn't say your Mistress can't," I teased as I reached inside his boxers and lightly grazed his cock with my fingertips.

"Yes Mistress" he said aloud.

I proceeded to tease him to no end. Describing to him how much I wanted to suck his cock but wouldn't. I held his dick in my mouth thru his boxers as he moaned continuously.

He knows how wet I get talking about going down on him so he pushed me back in the chair, which actually fell to the ground with me in it. I started giggling, drunk laughter as he spread my legs open. He rammed two fingers into my wet pussy and wriggled them around. I moaned softly to let him know that I was enjoying his touch. He inserted another finger. This time I moaned louder.

"Please Mistress, let me taste you" he begged.

"No" I said.
"Please Mistress, please," he begged again.
"No. And no matter how drunk I get tonight you are not to go down on me" I ordered half slurring.

"Yes Mistress, of course" he whispered as he began to fuck me again with his fingers.

I sat up (as best I could) and took his fingers into my mouth then sucked his nipples as he slid them back into me. 


We were like this for some time. Letting the ebb and flow of our sexual desire sway us in adjoining directions. It was a good feeling. At some point I made him bow down so I could take pictures of him. The drunken pictures of my slave actually weren't so bad.

Then I realized that I had lost all track of time.

"Shit, what time is it?" I asked frantically pulling my black silk skirt back up over my thighs.

"Umm...I dunno Mistress, I am sorry, let me look" my slave answered.

I realized that I was suppose to be at the station to pick up the bf 25 minutes ago.

"Shit, shit, shit...this is your fault slave" I said as I tried and failed to stand.

"Yes Mistress" was his response. He came to my side and helped me stand up.

I made him come with me to pick up the bf because I was still tipsy and worried that my driving would not be at its best. He begged not to come; as he likes to avoid any awkwardness with the bf but I told him he had no other option, so he did as he was told.

Once back home with the bf and slave I told my slave he could leave. I gave him the usual orders:
-Drive home slow and carefully (my slave has a lead foot and likes to disobey road signs)
-Text me when he got home
-Call me the following day

We kissed and I let him leave. Now I went in to the bf. He was tired from the 4.5 hour trip but still managed to give me a proper fucking later that night/morning. As hard as I tried not to, I did think about my slave watching me fuck the bf while he sat in his corner. I hope the couple I met who were into cuckolding and BDSM haven't rubbed off on me haha.

Hmmm...