Loving you makes be a bad Mistress

I've learned I love him too much...if there is such a thing.

When he's around I can't think entirely straight. My heart flip flops, my focus zeros in on him in classic tunnel vision and it's all I can do to keep my wits about me.

Oh I can choke him until he's blue.
Promptly scold him when he's disobedient.
Watch his lips stain with blood after I slap him.
Punish him for indiscretions.
I can even piss on him until he's soppy with every drop of me while I laugh in his face.

But I couldn't send him away.

It was for his own good and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. And in return it's made me feel like the world's worst Mistress.

The one time he really needed my guidance, my firm hand, my dominant mind, and solid direction, I wasn't there for him.

I couldn't be his Mistress.

I got swept up in love.

Normally that wouldn't be said in the tone I'm trying to convey but this time, loving someone too much has made me a bad Mistress. It made me unable to make the most logical, future affecting decision of our entire relationship and as they say, "It's all gone tits up!" and not in a sexy way.

We had a plan.
We deviated from that plan.
That deviation blew up in our faces.

And now for the foreseeable future my puppy can never be called home to be with me, his Mistress.

Even typing the words breaks my heart all over again. We knew it was never going to be easy but everyone in a long distance, international, poly, kink filled relationship knows that. But it's different now. Without rehashing too much of the ordeal puppy and mine's geographical status will continue to contain that great big, beautiful, though time consuming, ocean between us.

"Protect the property at all cost," is what I'm often heard saying during my classes or a scene. But I did just the opposite. And there is absolutely nothing anyone can say to me that will make me think it isn't my fault.

We talk a lot in kink about mentoring and protecting those we play with. When it involves whips, chains, and ball gags that's simple to manage if you're careful.

But what about when you care so selfishly about just having someone as yours and by your side, that you leave them unprotected and vulnerable? What about when know you're doing the wrong thing but you can't help yourself? Or when you justify the consequences of your bad influence in your own mind?

I'll tell you: You put them in a position where outside forces can cause more harm than any your deviant, twisted could ever dream of.

You put them in a position of not having you.

And even worse you put yourself in a position of not having them.
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Guest Podcast with Proud To Be Kinky: LDR the Kinky Truth

Last month while I was in London, puppy and I were lucky enough to sit down with the lovely Floss and BakjiBen. Those two were a blast to get off on tangents with haha. We discussed:

  • How to stay connected long distance
  • Rituals and chasity
  • UK vs US kink scene and community
  • Geeky stuff
  • Rope, rope, rope

It's up live now, so please give it a listen!
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Dear Diary #1

**Trigger warning: This is a re-telling of an intense domestic violence roleplay we engaged in. Please do not read any further if you may be triggered by things falling under that umbrella. Thank you.**

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Remains to be scene

If I can't arrive fashionably late to a kink event, chances are I probably won't attend.

I dress to be seen.

That takes time. There's always the ritual of choosing the right outfit (and trying each on), if I'm going with Femdom lite or Femdom dark make-up, tights, fishnets, or bare legs, of course shoes and how high I want to appear to be towering over others, and the hair--this is the key that brings my look together. Then I dress my puppy, which has become a fun afterthought that hinges on which panties he'll wear. Because, if we're being honest, there's a 99% chance he's going to end up naked.

So when I planned on attending our first kinky London outing as a couple, arriving nearly two hours late was always part of the plan. We walked in and quickly were checked into what appeared to be a bar in its everyday use. Small pockets of latex clad people were scattered about mingling, chatting, and looking sexy, it was a good turnout of about 60-75 people. The socialization was definitely at a level 10 that night and once we found out the basement dungeon didn't open for another 90 minutes I got a little antsy.

"Maybe we should talk to some people," I casually said to my puppy.

"Oh Mistress, you know I'm bad with talking to strangers, I'll let you do the introductions," he shyly whispered back.

I knew he was right. I talked to strangers everywhere all the time and it was part of what I did for work so I was use to it. I sent him to the bar to get a drink and proceeded to find some nearby kinksters to get to know but couldn't shake the feeling I'd noticed all night, I was being watched. Before we could get too in depth in conversation it was announced that the play area was open and the crowd swiftly shifted downstairs. As we made our way down, I got excited. It had been months since puppy and I played together in a dungeon and I was looking forward to our planned scene. However, as we stepped into the open area there was a clearly noticeable difference down here. Gone was the chatting and smiling faces and in had come the silence and widened eyes. There were only two pairs of people just getting started and everyone else in the space was plastered to the wall.

I grabbed puppy's leash and drug him behind me. "Don't worry about what anyone else is doing, you will be focusing on me tonight," I said in one breath.

We hustled to a smaller back room where I ordered him to lay across a leather plushy spanking bench. I do what I always did at a club for an added mind-fuck: I took each one of the toys I was prepared to use and spread them out within his view. I didn't tie him down as I hadn't brought any rope (don't enjoy explaining that to TSA on oversea travels!) and I hadn't given him any direct instructions except to simply lie down.

I rubbed his back and lightly scratched with my freshly done claw like nails.

"You remember how many spankings you owe Mistress?" I pressed his head down into the leather and cooed in his ear above the music.

"Yes Mistress, 1500 Mistress," he said defeated.

I cackled in delight. I had given him thousands of spankings before so I knew I was in for a workout.

"What are these particular spankings for?"

"For leaving Mistress and coming back to London," he replied without hesitation.

He was exactly right. That had been the guise I put this torturous activity under.

"And what is Mistress's goal?" I asked waiting for his four word answer.

He paused and closed his eyes before saying, "To make me cry."

This was music to my ears as I took the thick leather strap I had been dying to use on him in my hand.

"Shall we begin?" I asked rhetorically not waiting for an answer.

For the next forty minutes or so I proceeded to spank puppy using the leather strap, a wooden paddle, a miniature rug beater, a silicone ball slapper, a flogger and, of course, my hand. He squirmed and squealed at times which only annoyed me to the point of sitting on him and holding him down or just matching his wild flailing with even more wild intensity of the instrument I was holding.

As we neared the end of our spanking scene, tears filling his eyes, I told him to get ready for the next part, pegging. This would be our first public pegging scene and I was worried he'd be too nervous but also excited to humiliate him. By now, it was getting overwhelmingly crowded in our little area as we were one of the few people playing and doing so hard. I readied my strap-on and attempted to fuck my puppy on the wrought iron bed. This didn't go on for long as he was sore from a previous fucking the night before so I moved onto Queening him. I put my back to the room and tried to tune the room out. I rode his face slowly and methodically but not without noticing a gentleman squeeze his way into the red-lit room and slide over until he was leaned against a nearby wall facing me. He stood very close, so close I could've slapped him. He was very much interested in our scene and at one even offered to hold my submissive's legs for me.

I silently shook my head as a no thanks and flashed a fake but agitated smile. It was starting to feel smaller and smaller by the minute in the room and as I lifted off my breathless bottom all I said was, "Clean-up now."

He did as he was told and the nearby man attempted to speak to me as I click-clacked on my heels away not wanting to interact. Within minutes I could see puppy's relived face as he found me in the next larger, main room---still as quiet as a church service on a Sunday, still with the voyeurs splayed on the wall not actively playing.

"I'm ready to go Mistress," he squeaked out.

I couldn't argue with him as I knew if I was feeling the fishbowl effect myself, he was feeling it times ten.

We left the club in a hurry after having a few people approach us awkwardly we immediately said once outside together, "Well that was weird!"

Together we've put on classes, demos, podcasts, Q&As and not once had we both felt so...watched. It was interesting to be in a club and to very obviously be the main attraction without expecting to be the main attraction and then I remembered...

I had dressed to be seen.
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Love yourself: Full frontal Mistress

There's no one I love more than myself. 

I don't say that to come across as an asshole, I say that because it's the person I spend the most time with. The one whose mind I get to run rampant through and who I lie awake with each night.

Just having passed that day that promotes love is love is love, it's easy to forget to love yourself first and foremost.

When I first peeked my head into BDSM I was a different type of person. Not different in so much as I wasn't who I am today, just that I presented myself to the general populace as a different type of person.

I have always been a loud, life-of-the-party kind of girl. My sexplorations ranging in mild to "You did what?!" My sassy attitude was still my best weapon.

But once I decided to actually become a "Mistress" I figured I would be myself---fully. No longer would I hide my sexual conquests, semi-shamefully until I found others who wouldn't judge me mostly because they didn't care. No more pretending I was only vulgar because I hung around guys and not because it pleased me. And absolutely under no circumstances would I shield my sassiness from people who might not be able to handle it.

It started out with little things here and there.

The people I talked to: Open-minded folks who cared more about what type of person I was as opposed to what fashion I wore.

The secret thoughts I had: I felt "okay" wanting to dominate a man in and out of the bedroom rather than being doomed to let him lead the way through our failed relationship.

The places I went: BDSM clubs over obnoxious nightclubs filled with unworthy men grinding up on me as I tried to politely (and not so politely) decline their advances.

But all paths led here---to a Mundane to Mistress lifestyle.

When I ceased to keep the two halves of myself separate and combined the two it was like the universe sighed in relief with me...Finally, what took you so long???

It's been years now since I've had to keep up a facade that was as uncomfortable for me as wearing a too-tight wool sweater. I have a career where I can be myself. If clients want to know what I'm about sexually they most likely aren't going to cringe when I mention the four-letters BDSM. If I want to wear my piercings or show cleavage around my general workday no one bats an eye...unless it's to take a gander. And when someone makes a crass joke I can laugh out loud because everyone else is around me is doing so as well.

No more hiding.

I just realized today that this is one of the most fulfilled periods in my life. My life philosophy over time has turned from "Just try to please everyone" to "I am who I am, and fuck the rest'". That's not to say I don't care what others think. Of course I do, it's human nature to want to be accepted, to need to be liked and cared for. I've just realize not to attach too much feeling on others' negative opinions about me, if I feel it's overly judgmental or non-constructive.

I don't have to settle for people who I can show some of myself to but not the rest, oh no. I make it a point to surround myself with people who can accept all facets of my personality and most often than not, cheer for me from the sidelines of life just as I do for them. It's taken time to find the perfect circle of friends and associates but the hard work and scrutiny has certainly paid off.

My transition from mundane to Mistress has changed my life in so many ways and I don't think I could go back even if I tried.

For now, this is where I want to be and this is who I want to be and it feels good to just be able to be.
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Guest Podcast with KinkyCast: What Do I Do Next? - BDSM 101

We're back with Woody (and the Beast) as delve further into what to do as you're finding your way in a new community. We discuss:

  • Finding a mentor
  • Being safe and setting limits
  • Managing expectations
  • Educating yourself

It's up live now, so please give it a listen!
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Dreaming of you

I miss waking up to a plugged, caged, little British boy in my bed...

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Painting Paradise

I know you can't always get what you want. But can we get what we deserve? 

Can we put hopes and dreams in baskets and send them up to be fulfilled? How much work does getting what you deserve require? A month? A year? What sort of heartache does one endure? And how much of a show is allowed to be put on before one gives up?  Are you weak if you fail at waiting for what what you hoped for?

It's hard to quantify desires in terms of wants versus needs. And even harder when that desire is a person. 

I don't know whether my wanting of him grew to be a need or if it was the other way around. What I do know is it's there now and has been for some time. BDSM is funny like that. On the surface to an outsider it can seem based only in sex and more rudimentary forms of sexual deviances. But for me BDSM has never been about sex, at least not primarily. I'm not thinking about the sex that I'll miss when he's gone. I'm thinking of the trust we've built to where I can wake him the middle of the night with my hands around his throat. I'll be craving his pet like whimpers from the side of the bed as he begs to be next to me. I'll be remembering his tender kisses as he worshipped my ass. I'll miss wearing his chastity key in front of him in the restaurant where I order for him knowing he's clad in panties under his clothes. Our dynamic has become an intrinsic part of who we are and how we interact with each other. Without it, I will feel defenseless. 

Now it won't go away completely but putting 4,000+ miles, an ocean, vanilla life and tying it exclusively to online will definitely muffle it some. It'd be foolish to pretend it wouldn't.

A lot of what we do is high on any spectrum. It's intense, raw and all encompassing at times. When we're not feeding off each other's vibe all that's left is an enchantment I hope never wains. It's that fondness that feels the most vulnerable to me. The love I want to protect at all costs. Time has yet to be on our side. We always knew this day was coming, when we'd have to go from color back to black and white. I'm trying not to step back and look at the big picture because it's frightening to think of the work it's going to take and the time I have to spend waiting for something and someone that I know deep down was mine from the day I met him. 

I'm going to take it one day at time and try not to forget the beautiful colors we painted together. Hoping that we'll be artists together again sooner rather than later...
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Sissy sluts unite

Earlier in the evening Mistress informed me that we would be having a play date with another sissy. I was initially surprised and a little nervous but as it got closer to leaving to go to the dungeon, I got more and more excited. I was so excited that I actually got dressed in my full sissy wear before leaving, forgetting that for the first couple of hours of the night I was a demo bottom at a cbt station, and my Josy persona was going to have to wait. I literally had to change in the car back to my boy clothes while she drove to the event. With Movember behind us I realized, it had a been a while since I had dressed up and I was excited to be my Josy self again.

After two hours of kicking, kneeing, crushing, caning and for the first time ever, the excruciating feeling of BenGay, my sissy balls were aching and I was happy have them once again protected by my chastity cage, where I know my sissy clit belongs. The other sissy that Mistress had organised our play date with had been popping by to talk/flirt with us all night. Mistress had locked her up for the evening just for fun and I had to admit, despite not often finding other sissies hugely attractive, I really did think Chelsea was cute, and looked wonderful. Was I crushing? Definitely and was excited for whatever Mistress had planned.

I was told to change into my maids uniform and as always I felt so very pretty in my petticoat, pink panties, and pristine white lacy gloves. I got such wonderful and positive feedback as Mistress paraded me around on her collar and leash. The other sissy found us and Miss ordered Chelsea to change into her maid uniform and she came back looking very slutty. My maid's uniform is prim and proper. If it wasn't I'd be too distracting when Mistress is trying to work while I'm cleaning.

We both sat at her feet and Mistress knew we would do anything she wanted or needed. One thing I definitely liked was that like me, Chelsea didn't seem to be doing this for humiliation purposes, but purely because it was fun, and incredibly hot.

We were ordered to head over to a spanking bench and link hands facing each other. We looked each other in the eyes and Mistress spanked us, with our skirts pulled up. Mistress told us we were sisters. Yay! Finally a sissy sister to share the spankings with! We took our spankings before Mistress had us practice some submissive positions. This is always about power, control, and obedience for Mistress so I know she enjoyed having two sissy girls kneeling at her, literally worshipping the ground she walked on.

"Josy, you have one chance to ask Chelsea the question I know you want to ask and if you ask the wrong one, you will get 100 spankings right here!"

I'm never one to turn down spankings but I thought about my two hour tear inducing spanking less than 24 hours previously. Mistress and Marissa had bruised my ass, I wasn't sure I should be cheeky and get it wrong.

I timidly looked the taller, more curvaceous sissy in eyes again and asked... 

"Chelsea, may I please suck your cock?"

I hoped she would say yes and moments later my wish was granted! I was on my knees as I begged Chelsea and Mistress for cock. It didn't take long before she was hard and ready. I slid the condom down her cock (always safety first) and began sucking. Her cock was a nice size, and I was able to take it all in my wet mouth. Mistress says practice makes perfect and I was enjoy practicing deepthroating for her pleasure.

My head was held in place but there was little gagging. I made sure to suck cock just like Mistress had taught me, and I hoped I could make her cum. Unfortuantely Mistress likes to tease me and keep me wanting so only allowed 5 minutes of sucking. I knew these minutes would go toward my 169 minutes of sissy cock sucking training (69 minutes left!) I thanked Chelsea before kissing her shoes as Mistress ordered and looked on proudly.

We cleaned up, I got changed and headed back out into the real world. I thought that 4 am was bedtime after such an eventful weekend but Mistress was obviously still feeling excited as she allowed me to worship her pussy before using the dildo to give her two powerful orgasms. I feel asleep next to her, feeling like a well used slut.

She mentioned something about having an 11 inch cock give me a facial later tonight as she drifted off to sleep...

What have I gotten my little sissy self into?!

Sissy Josy
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A state of flux

These were pictures of someone not even remotely like me.
A message indicating that a transaction had taken place.

I didn't want to panic, I just wanted answers.

I've heard that if you tell a lie once all your truths become questionable. This to me sounds reasonable. When we lie, we are stealing social commodity without having earned it, we are scorching the trust soil that love grows in, we're holding back and wearing fears cleverly disguised as the truth.

For me the worst thing about being lied to is knowing (or feeling) like I wasn't worth the truth. It can be easy to get caught up in the details but the real question is always:


Not why me. Not why now. Just....why?

I confronted him.
He lied again.

You may have read over the years that I've encountered some liars. Some told lies only once, some pathologically, others never admitted they were lying, even when exposed. But it cost them all something. My trust. And we know that trust, like paper, once crumpled can never be perfect again.

I've been knee deep in relationships of varying depths since my teens. I myself, use to lie to lovers. I was unhappy with the results. So, I stepped back and examined why I, who I would describe as 'trustworthy', would ever lie to someone I cared about? Once I figured out why, I was able to navigate successfully away from that behavior and I have been lie free since.

He finally broke down and admitted to his lie.

He kept using the word 'mistake' and all I could focus on was how unintentional a mistake seems when what had happened here was clearly intentional. I envisioned his trust like an eraser getting smaller and smaller after each lie, only the point left to retell this to myself.

But why?

The delicate dance of dominance and submission we'd been doing for months now felt unsure footed. I thought back to my demands of him, my casual cause for pointing out his character flaws, my overbearing FemDom tendencies that didn't turn off just because we had company or were outside the house, my openly poly lifestyle, my own expectations, our blurring of the lines between kink and love. I didn't blame myself for the lie but I understood the part I played up until now in the relationship.

"I don't know why I did it" was all he could muster to me in between our tears.

Now again, I could get hung up on the details. Why did he contact her? What did they say? How did he find her? But I just wanted to know why.

He trusted me with his literal life---we did extreme breath-play regularly, I trussed him up contorted in rope without thought, dragged sharp objects across his body with playful disregard. And now...this.

We couldn't go back after this. I'd been down this darkened relationship road of deceit far too many times to know that you could never go back to the way it was before. If you were to forge forward it would have be down a different path, a truthful one.

If our relationship was to run like a machine then even I knew forgiveness was the oil. If we were to continue this journey that we had moved mountains to experience wasn't it worth tinkering on the machine? Didn't we want to understand what went wrong rather than catching the next train back to "Alonetown" population: yourself. I wasn't sure.

For me a true relationship represented two unperfect people refusing to give up on each other, despite hurt or pain. Now that's not to say one should continually accept these two things on a routine basis but it is realistic. Show me a relationship without either of them and I'll admit defeat. Great relationships often aren't great because they have no problems, they're great because both (or more) people care enough about each other to find a way to make it work. I know that giving into the anger will just make me smaller but if I can find a way to forgive him it'll force me to grow beyond what I already am...again.

Will it be hard? Yep
Will I regret it? Maybe
Will I be able to say I did all I could? Of course
Will this be the last time I have to forgive him? Absolutely not.

And I've found the more I thought about the 'why' the more I had the answer all along.

Why? Because sometimes good people make bad decisions. They fuck up and let other people down but that doesn't make them bad people. We all do things we said we never would at some point. It's all part of being human. It's all part of being in a relationship. It's all part of life. We're all flawed but we find someone who can admit that they have them too and grow together not apart.

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