A state of flux



These were pictures of someone not even remotely like me.
A message indicating that a transaction had taken place.

I didn't want to panic, I just wanted answers.

I've heard that if you tell a lie once all your truths become questionable. This to me sounds reasonable. When we lie, we are stealing social commodity without having earned it, we are scorching the trust soil that love grows in, we're holding back and wearing fears cleverly disguised as the truth.

For me the worst thing about being lied to is knowing (or feeling) like I wasn't worth the truth. It can be easy to get caught up in the details but the real question is always:

Why?

Not why me. Not why now. Just....why?

I confronted him.
He lied again.

You may have read over the years that I've encountered some liars. Some told lies only once, some pathologically, others never admitted they were lying, even when exposed. But it cost them all something. My trust. And we know that trust, like paper, once crumpled can never be perfect again.

I've been knee deep in relationships of varying depths since my teens. I myself, use to lie to lovers. I was unhappy with the results. So, I stepped back and examined why I, who I would describe as 'trustworthy', would ever lie to someone I cared about? Once I figured out why, I was able to navigate successfully away from that behavior and I have been lie free since.

He finally broke down and admitted to his lie.

He kept using the word 'mistake' and all I could focus on was how unintentional a mistake seems when what had happened here was clearly intentional. I envisioned his trust like an eraser getting smaller and smaller after each lie, only the point left to retell this to myself.

But why?

The delicate dance of dominance and submission we'd been doing for months now felt unsure footed. I thought back to my demands of him, my casual cause for pointing out his character flaws, my overbearing FemDom tendencies that didn't turn off just because we had company or were outside the house, my openly poly lifestyle, my own expectations, our blurring of the lines between kink and love. I didn't blame myself for the lie but I understood the part I played up until now in the relationship.

"I don't know why I did it" was all he could muster to me in between our tears.

Now again, I could get hung up on the details. Why did he contact her? What did they say? How did he find her? But I just wanted to know why.

He trusted me with his literal life---we did extreme breath-play regularly, I trussed him up contorted in rope without thought, dragged sharp objects across his body with playful disregard. And now...this.

We couldn't go back after this. I'd been down this darkened relationship road of deceit far too many times to know that you could never go back to the way it was before. If you were to forge forward it would have be down a different path, a truthful one.

If our relationship was to run like a machine then even I knew forgiveness was the oil. If we were to continue this journey that we had moved mountains to experience wasn't it worth tinkering on the machine? Didn't we want to understand what went wrong rather than catching the next train back to "Alonetown" population: yourself. I wasn't sure.

For me a true relationship represented two unperfect people refusing to give up on each other, despite hurt or pain. Now that's not to say one should continually accept these two things on a routine basis but it is realistic. Show me a relationship without either of them and I'll admit defeat. Great relationships often aren't great because they have no problems, they're great because both (or more) people care enough about each other to find a way to make it work. I know that giving into the anger will just make me smaller but if I can find a way to forgive him it'll force me to grow beyond what I already am...again.

Will it be hard? Yep
Will I regret it? Maybe
Will I be able to say I did all I could? Of course
Will this be the last time I have to forgive him? Absolutely not.

And I've found the more I thought about the 'why' the more I had the answer all along.

Why? Because sometimes good people make bad decisions. They fuck up and let other people down but that doesn't make them bad people. We all do things we said we never would at some point. It's all part of being human. It's all part of being in a relationship. It's all part of life. We're all flawed but we find someone who can admit that they have them too and grow together not apart.



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Guest Podcast: BDSM 101 - A Podcast with Kinksters



A while back we were asked to speak on a kinky podcast and it was a no brainer that we wanted to be involved. In this guest episode with Woody we discuss:

  • -Finding the scene
  • -Researching your role
  • -Vetting others
  • -Playing safely


It's up live now, so please give it a listen!
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Good things cum to those who wait



"I placed another ad this afternoon", she casually said aloud.

"An ad for what Mistress?" I asked unsure if I wanted the answer.

"For cuckolding, and I've had over 35 responses already".



7:00 pm
That was on Sunday evening, now on Friday evening Mistress is on a date with a potential bull as I sit and wait in this hot and sweaty car. I'm not sure exactly what I feel. I have a knot in my stomach, I haven't felt like eating all day. I'm nervous, I'm hot, I'm intrigued, I'm excited but I'm not freaking out, not yet anyway. 

Of course my imagination is running wild in my head thinking about what is going on in the restaurant just feet in front of me, that I am not allowed to enter. 

Is he touching her arm?
Is he looking at her body?
Are they sizing each other up? Wondering what the other looks like naked?

The answer to all of these is probably yes, but maybe it's best I don't think to much about that for the time being. 

Every time someone walks past the car they give me a strange look, wondering why I am sitting alone in the car on this hot, 80+ degree day. Just imagine if they knew the truth. That my girlfriend, my Mistress, my love was on a date with another man while I waited patiently and silently outside. They would think I'm pathetic. I guess I am pathetic. We are here because I am not able to please Mistress how she wants to be pleased, and this is best alternative. This is a fetish we have spoke about a lot, tried once before, but now it's all very real and is really happening. 

7:44 pm
They have been inside now for over 40 minutes so it must be going well. I am still not freaking out, my mind is still racing though at what is happening. I know it's unlikely, but maybe Mistress will be so turned on she will find a way to make it happen tonight. I want to talk to her. I want to know what she is thinking right now. It is hard, if not impossible to not feel like a spare part sitting on here. Alone, unimportant and not needed. I know Mistress loves me, I have never doubted that, but I know, as a lover at least, I have always not been good enough and if this carries on I may well become irrelevant in that department. That is one thing I have thought about a lot of this albeit fair short journey I have been on this week. That this may change our sex life, perhaps permanently. I find myself feeling ok about that. I know I don't pleasure Mistress, I am used to giving her an orgasm with a dildo and receiving nothing in return. A part of me worries we will lose some closeness and intimacy but who knows for sure. I'm sure that Mistress will still allow me to make her cum whenever she needs and her bull, whether this guy or someone else is not around. 

8:16 pm
It has now been over an hour since Mistress left me. Of everything I feel, I now just feel hot. So hot, sat in the car waiting. I haven't heard anything from Mistress which is a little surprising. I thought she would stay in contact with me a little bit, even if just to increase the humiliation, but so far nothing. I am not angry or hurt, just a little surprised as it wasn't what I was expecting. I expect that I will need to get used to things not quite being what I expect. For now all I can do is wait here, like a good boy. I have no idea how long she will be. It could be five more minutes, it could be two more hours. All I can do now is wait and see where this night goes... 

8:50 pm
I'm beginning to feel, not stressed, not angry but I guess anxious. I think it's a combination of the heat, the lack of contact and what is now beginning to feel boredom in all honesty. I know this is all part of it, it's just an unusual feeling. As we are parked right outside of the restaurant people have been coming out to smoke nearly all evening. The kind of anxious feelings I am experiencing is something that this time last year I would calm with a cigarette. As this isn't an option now I have tried a few things. Writing here is one, I've had a little walk, I'm tried distracting myself with social media but I always come back to same thought, what is Mistress doing and thinking right now. The answer is probably something fairly mundane. She is probably have dinner with someone she doesn't have a great deal in common with. I'm sure she is dictating the conversation. He is probably finding her interesting and attractive and like me, will become hooked on her. But, who knows. I will continue to wait and find out soon enough. 

After almost a couple of hours Mistress and her date emerged from the restaurant. He was a tall man, and looked much bigger and stronger than me. He had his arm around her, and told me they had a very nice evening. He presented me Mistress’s panties and asked me to smell them, which I obeyed to. I felt ok seeing them, and would have been curious progressing things. Mistress doesn't seem overly enthusiastic about the evening, but she hasn't really told me her thoughts yet. 
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A sissy's request



My Queen, 

Please allow your slut to have a ruined orgasm tonight. I am so desperate and needy after a week of chastity and spending every day with you. 


I crave your touch around my tiny cock and any kind of release you will allow. I know my orgasm is of no interest or use to you, but I beg and plead that you will allow even the most pathetic type. I beg that you will let me dribble out for your amusement and my pleasure. I will of course clean up whatever mess there is however you wish. 

I know that you already do so much for me, but please Mistress, please allow me a ruined orgasm tonight, I promise to be a good sissy and go straight back into chastity after. 

-Your sissy slut 

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Mine, yours, ours

Sharing is caring.


But what if you care too much to share?

You would think as a practicer of polyamory I'd fully understand and be able to execute the act if sharing my partners but it doesn't always end up that way.

This isn't a post about poly life. This is a post about the female dominant life and expectations.

I've attended many events over the years but my most recent weekend away at a kink event made it apparent. Female dominants are expected to "share" their submissives. What I mean when I say that is if you take a look around at events you'll notice with male dominants, there's an air of mutual respect between them. If they see a subby girl sitting on her knees for Master they smile, nod and usually keep going. Sometimes, if they're feeling bold a hushed comment will be heard under their breath but it's a very different ball game for female dominants.

If my boy is sitting at my feet other femdoms usually do one or more of the following:

1. Stop and admire
2. Stop and comment on his "obedience"
3. Tell me what a "good boy" he's being for me
4. Ask to touch his head or body (even if he's leashed)
5. Ask him if he's enjoying whatever it is he's doing

Now while I appreciate the verbal appreciation I wish it were more visual. I don't like other doms telling me how obedient my boy is or isn't being. He's just sitting, that doesn't take any special skill. Asking to touch him is rude and presumptuous. Asking him if he's enjoying serving me is a silly question because if he wasn't he wouldn't be there!

Has society conditioned females into such a "girl power" mentality that we can't fathom having something of our own?

Is it rooted in the idea that most femdoms want to be served by multiple men?

Or that most sub men fantasize about being used by as many women as possible at once?

Beyond the verbal interaction there's an unspoken incorrect line of thinking that most female doms want to "share" their boys among other femdoms. And if you don't?

What's wrong with you? Boys are just toys and of course you want to let me pinch, punch, kick, tweak, or otherwise accoste their bodies.

This isn't my way of thinking. Call me selfish but I suffer from 'only sub syndrome'. I don't want to share my submissive. I don't want to toss him to the she-wolves for play. I don't want someone else digging their nails in his (my) cock and balls. I've worked hard to train him for myself, why does every other femdom get to benefit from that? And I especially don't want someone else thinking he's "obedient" to them. I'm not saying I never share him, I'm just saying when I do it's in what I feel is a respected way by femdom(s) I've approached and I feel are worthy of such an offer.

Why do men with female subs get the respect of museum art and female doms with male subs get eye-rolled when they don't want every woman with a strap-on taking a crack at him?

Are we not allowed to be possessive with our partners?
Do we not deserve the same respective guidelines as our het cis males?

My general rule is if I wouldn't lend you my heels, my paddle, or my lipstick...you're not using my sub.

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Art appreciation #1

No words today,  only this...


By submissiveguycomics
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The unhappy domme

It's been exactly 110 days since my puppy and I arrived back from the UK and I can't believe time has passed so quickly.

He started his second segment of training a few weeks after arriving and while we started out like a freight train, we're having a little trouble getting over the bumps we've reached. In short, I'm unhappy with our progress.

Taking on a 24/7 role in D/s has been an awakening for me. I'm not ashamed to say I'm guilty of living in a fantasy. I've always dreamed of having a real life, real time dynamic that afforded me to have a willing and obedient individual at my every beck and call. I never thought this would be that dream. I also never thought I wouldn't be enjoying it 100% of the time. In my fantasy I held this submissive captive, locked away from the world until I was ready to use them. They had the cleaning skills of Mr. Clean, the cooking ingenuity of Betty Crocker, and they loved serving endlessly, tirelessly, and without need of any motivation or reward. How very selfish, vacuous and extremely benighted I was.

Being a full time, live-in 24/7 domme is hard. It's like being a motivational speaker for a team who sometimes doesn't realize they have a game. I must always toe the line, put on the brave front and run into battle head held high...at least it feels like that sometimes. Now there are other factors such as having a full time job, an additional poly partner, social engagements and other obligations that obviously bog down my free time and prevent me from being stress-free but at my core I am a dominant. I like being in charge. I like controlling most aspects of my life and having an influential say in the lives around me.

This training program has taught me more about myself than I ever thought it would. Not, that I thought I knew it all, but I thought I had a good grasp on what being a 24/7 D/s couple would entail.

I did not.

I've realized I'm nit-picky and more 'Type A' than I wanted to admit. I don't accept that others do things differently and sometimes less efficiently than I would. I'm confrontational without wanting an argument. I tend to shoulder more responsibility in situations than I reasonably should or have to. I get lost in thought on things I can't change and overanalyze those that I can. I forget to relax when it's time to do so and I shift "me time" around so much Google calendar can't even find it. I'm impatient yet sometimes unwilling to complete a task. I'm an alpha, short fused, stressor who is competitively driven in most aspects. All the warning signs while feverishly writing a 15 week training program start to finish in 12 days should've raised a flag. On paper and in my mind I had training all figured out and didn't plan for any hiccups, bumps, or other inconsistencies.

"Of course it would be perfect" I thought to myself.

But it's not and I have to learn that it's okay. I've been so fixated on my very patient and caring puppy's imperfections that I've been blind to all of my own. I've tried to pass them off as "every dominant wants what they want", which is true but not an excuse for my lack of introspective growth and poor time management.

He is still my boy.
He is still my pet.
He is still my lover.
He is still my everything.

Even if he can't cook all the things I like, clean as spotlessly as I would, kneel for as long as I would like, or take a beating as harsh as I "dreamed' of giving the effort he puts in do so means something. I need to make the effort to see devotion and love when they're staring me in the face. The most important lesson I've needed re-iterated through training is that he is a person. He isn't meant to be perfect. But that certainly doesn't mean he isn't good enough to be mine someday.

Beautiful consent


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Fuck your community



Seriously.

I'm not trying to be hateful, just honest. I've had the pleasure (mostly) of being able to be a part of local BDSM communities around the world. Some have run like well oiled machines, friendly faces and helping hands all around. Others have been run like the classroom of a preschool teacher's worst nightmare. Who is responsible? No one individual is responsible for their local community, as a whole however, collectively you make an impact in the grand scheme.

Locally my community is broken and that's putting it lightly. It's hemorrhaging and all anyone can do is put a band-aid on the situation. The Washington, DC metro BDSM scene is a complete trainwreck and the participants are bloody survivors just looking and hoping for the rescue team.

Lies.
Deceit.
Greed.
Abuse.
Accusations.

No, I'm not describing the latest season of House of Cards, though they need only to attend a local dungeon to get their fodder. I'm describing what I've witnessed.

I want to say I'm surprised but I'm really not. I came into this area in 2004 and the scene was broken then. Eager to join and do my part I volunteered to no end, promoted events, organized groups but progress never stuck. It's just slowly decayed and festered over time. Now don't get me wrong, there's a nice club or house party here or there but for the most part I feel as if we lack an 'oneness' I've experienced with other local communities. Leaders go un-checked, presenters unverified, accusations run amok without any real justice or conclusion and the influx of constant newbies being shuffled in and out like cattle doesn't help for accountability or forbearance. It seems as if no one, venues included, really care about anyone else but themselves.

Who can they dupe?
How much money will they make tonight?
Are participants being safe-guarded?
Who guides the newbies?
What happens if there is a consent violation?
...and most of all...Who watches the watchmen?

The answers to some of these questions are abysmal for a collective group of folks leading a common lifestyle, supposedly watching one another, one that loves getting on its soapbox about consent, rules, protocols, and unity.

To that I call bullshit.

Some of the most judgemental, self-centered, asshattery I've ever known to exist in my life has been viewed from right inside the eye of the storm that is my local community. There's only so much *headdesk* I can do before I need to take a step back and focus my energy elsewhere. Though if I'm being honest, I've been putting this off for far too long.



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Her pleasure = My priority



WHORE.

The word was markered across my chest like a badge of honor instead of the negative insult it can sometimes be seen as.

I knew that night I was going to be treated like Mistress's whore. After a day of kinky shopping, "plans" as she likes to call them had been placed in motion. Before we even got there I was feeling horny, slutty and desperate for her touch, my panties bunched in in anticipation. 

I was then paraded around the dim lit club and sat at Mistress's feet on display for all to see what a slut I was. After some time hanging out and sitting at her feet Mistress looked at me and said, "It's time for you to be used like a good boy."

I was taken across the room and told to hold onto a light pink cross, which was appropriate for how I felt that evening. 

"Did you think Mistress forgot that you need to be punished?"

I shook my head slowly. I knew she hadn't forgotten. She rarely forgot anything most of all my punishments.

Had Mistress deliberately tempted into my own wrongdoing just to justify the punishment? She explained carefully that the punishment was over a thousand spankings or accept that she would use me hard, without really knowing what she meant. Of course my curiosity meant I picked the latter.

Curiosity may have killed the cat but after the first slap this submissive was determined to hang on.
Mistress began by using the new slut slapper on my ass, thighs and back. For such a small item it stung like I was being slapped with a full open hand. I let the pain escape by way of moaning loudly, and screaming through the stifling stocking that had been placed over my head. Once Mistress was bored of that she turned me around and began impact play by punching my stomach, chest and even my face as I pleaded and begged for mercy which I knew wasn't going to come.

"You don't even deserve this attention for your disobedience," she spat at me.

I was then thrown to the floor and kicked and trampled as Mistress powerfully stood over me in her leather boots. I curled up and waited until she dragged me back up by my hair. Then the belt choking started. Not the light kind she often does at home while we relax just to prove she can, no, this was the kind of choke that I knew meant she wasn't playing around. She used the belt she was choking me with to beat me along my bottom and back, switching back and forth between the two until I was shaking mess, completely vulnerable to whatever Mistress wanted. I could feel my hot skin turn bright red without even seeing it.

And just when I thought she might be finished she moved swiftly behind me and grabbed me tightly in a fierce headlock, kicked the back of my knees to make me drop to the floor, and then used her weight advantage to keep me pinned there. 

"Please Mistress...Mistress...," I struggled to get the words out past her bicep.

I flailed my arms awkwardly and grabbed at what flesh of hers I could grasp. I began to see stars and my breathing slowed significantly. Only when my begging grew so weak and faint did her hold loosen. I wasn't sure whether I was teetering on the edge of unconsciousness or wakefulness. 

Once the scene ended I was spacy, sore, bruised, welted and felt like the whore, she had wanted me to be that evening. It's times like this where I pride myself on knowing her pleasure is my priority...and she looked damned pleased.
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Podcast - 5 "Polyamory & Navigating The Scene As A Non-Poly"



Needing to know more about polyamory and how it works within the scene? Take a listen to 'Polyamory and Navigating The Scene As A Non-Poly Person'. I'll also answer one Kinky Question of The Day (KQOTD) from a reader.

Here are the podcast highlights (Note: Entire episode is Poly based)...

** 12:40- 13:05 - Interlude

** 17:13 - Kinky Question of The Day "As a vanilla person, can I ask my kinky girlfriend to curb her kinky activities?"

** 23:40 - Next podcasat topics---Finding your role in BDSM and how to embrace your role without roleplaying

Also, this podcast will not run weekly as I had originally planned and will instead run monthly. If there are any topics you'd like me to discuss please feel free to let me know!

Links
PolyMatchMaker
BeyondTwo
Lovemany
Openminded
Poly-Date

Feel free to listen below...

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