The polycule breakdown

As many of my readers know I am involved in a polyamorous relationship. There's me in the eye of the storm, my vanilla boyfriend, Locs, my bf turned kinky play partner, and now the newest addition of my beautiful puppy. It's a lot to handle at times...sometimes too much to handle.

When puppy came to visit from overseas I spoke with everyone individually to ensure that everyone was okay. I spent time and effort prepping everyone for what it I thought it might be like with another person and was more than open to suggestions, questions, concerns or just sharing reassuring hugs.

What transpired while he visited was nothing short of a shit show including first class tears, hurt feelings, insecurities rearing their ugly heads, mean words, and a small but scary mental breakdown. This was highly unexpected but I dealt with everything the best I could. However, when push came to poly shove what was left was a broken relationship between Locs and myself. Our communication had broken down, he had some things he was unsure about and to be honest the kinky play between us had been growing smaller and smaller (the reason I went searching in the first place and found puppy) and we decided to take a break.

Fast forward to my continued presence in London---after a 10 day trip turned into months and when we looked back in retrospect we agreed that perhaps poly wasn't for him. Even though I was (and still am) deeply hurt to be losing someone I have called a best friend for the last three years, I'm a little relived he finally got the message. I care about him very much but I have said since the beginning that maybe he wasn't built for poly, sadly that has proven to be true.

To be fair in my 10 years of poly-dating I've learned a few things that I thought I'd share for those thinking about, beginning, in the middle of, or even ending a poly relationship that I've found to be helpful.

• Poly is not for the faint of heart.
• If you have a lot of anxiety, insecurities, doubts, and other introspective thoughts that plague you often they will be magnified in a poly setup. Be sure to take care of yourself personally first and foremost.
• Don't make your feelings everyone's responsibility.
• Seriously, don't. It's very selfish. That's not to say your partner(s) can't make you happy or sad or be there for you but don't let them be the sole source of your emotions. You have to find ways to ground yourself and also be your own support system when necessary.
• Communication is key.
• Talk to your partner(s) to let them know what you're feeling. Even if you think you know how they'll respond, they aren't mind readers, they may not know you're feeling the way that you are unless you speak up. This goes double for if you're feeling your needs are not being met and you're not able to figure it out on your own.
• Honesty is always always, always, always the best policy.
• I'm not explaining this. If you can't be honest with someone, you don't deserve them, poly or otherwise.
• Establish rules.
• I know some poly relationships don't like a bunch of rules and guidelines but I really think it helps to establish boundaries. Sometimes what someone considers flirting someone else will consider just talking. Making out with someone you met at a club might be okay for you but your partner(s) might feel you need to discuss it beforehand. You won't know until you ask. Save yourself some headaches.
• Long distance sucks.
• Long distance relationships usually suck in general. Now take that and add a person you know your partner(s) is spending quality time with. Double that sucky feeling. See first button for more details.
• Be safe.
• This sounds easy. You have your partner(s) and you are safe with them and hope they are safe with anyone else. I've found that it's easy to forget that I have multiple partners when I share food or drink with friends, forgetting that I will be interacting with more than one person. I don't want to put others at risk for germs or illnesses (sorry I gave you strep throat!) so I forgo sharing things and having unprotected sex with new partners for a pre-determined amount of time.
• There is no "perfect" poly
• Everyone does poly a little differently. I have some friends who have poly partners in other countries, some who only date virtually, and some who all live together. Everyone defines it differently. Don't try to model your poly after anyone else's, just do what works for you.
• NRE (New Relationship Energy) is real.
• And it's very easy to get swept up in. Remember the feeling you get when you first meet someone and you just want to spend every day with them? You love their face, their voice, you're glowing whenever you think of them. This happens in most new relationships, however in poly relationships it can be an odd situation to watch someone you care about go on and on about much they like/love this new person. Try to keep a grip on how NRE affects you and your partner(s) so you don't potentially hurt anyone's feelings. Also curb any partner comparison during this period.
• Be flexible.
• You are sharing your time, money, effort, and perhaps space with more than one person. It's easy to think that things must always be done a certain way but being inflexible to your partner(s) needs is one of the quickest way to damage a poly relationship. Don't be scared to make compromises or try something a different way if it'll make you or your partner(s) happy. A little effort goes a long way sometimes.
• Know thyself.
• Only you know truly know what's in your heart of hearts. The polyamorous lifestyle is not for everyone, and I don't recommend it for everyone. Look within yourself if you feel unhappy, find out if it's the right dynamic for you. If it's not, if you're unable to do poly in a comfortable way for you internally, then don't delay in sharing this with your partner(s). You both will be happiest when you're being honest with one another.

I'm sure there are tons more I could say about poly relationships but these seem to be the same issues that crop up time and time again. Some, or none, of these might help you so use them as you wish. And for anyone else going through a breakup, time is a good healer of most wounds...

The secret life of a sub

She gives me a stern look while we sit on the couch.

I wait for corrective action in the form of a face slap, a forceful pinch, or a swift but deliberate pull of my hair but it doesn't come. I look around and see my friends are still talking, oblivious to my darkened thoughts.

Since Mistress arrived in the UK just over a month ago life has been a quite different. I live in a house with 3 other guys who I went to university with, all of whom have no idea about my kinky side. Before I met Mistress this has been extremely easy secret to keep hidden. When I learned Mistress was going to be staying with me for an extended period of time I was honestly a little nervous. 

'Would they find out?' 

'Would I be able to act vanilla around them 
'Would I be able to act vanilla around her?'

'Would she be able to do the same?' 

My Mistress isn't like most dommes and spends a lot of time asking me to share my thoughts. She loves saying, 'Your thoughts belong to me' and often it does feel like that. So we had a conversation about these questions and I felt a bit better but I wouldn't actually know until she arrived. I didn't want her to feel unwanted but I did want to share my concerns. 

Fortunately my Mistress is pretty awesome, and when in vanilla mode, is able to come across as the perfect girlfriend. Having Mistress live with me has been exciting, fulfilling but also at times nerve wracking or frustrating. I often wake up in rope, or with her hands around my throat, in my new Holy Trainer chastity device and one night even to light CBT, all without being able to verbally express myself through screams, whimpers, or moans!

I know that when Mistress is here, or when I'm at her side I am a better all round person. She helps me, she pushes me to be the best at everything I do. She makes me happy, she makes me laugh, she cuddles me when I need to be held, and spanks me when I need to be punished. She makes sure I dress well, makes sure I eat right and makes sure I remember my place, and always strives to make me a better submissive and a better person.

I do believe that the relationship dynamic we have is quite clear, and I'd be surprised if my friends hadn't noticed something. I do not believe they know she is my Mistress and I am her puppy, but they may think something is a little different about us. The way I jump to her every command, even small things like ‘Make me a cup of tea’. At first I thought this may bother me, but it really hasn't. They also may have noticed the sounds of spankings or beatings in the evenings. We often don't play till late at night, but living in a house with paper thin walls can have its problems I guess.

It has also been slightly frustrating. Sometimes when I get home from a long day at work I want to just kneel at her feet and bark for her as loudly as I can. Sometimes I want to beg her to beat me, or to walk around on all 4’s on her leash. This obviously isn't possible, except for in the rare moments we get the house to ourselves. We make up for this for making the most of having the house to ourselves, and going away on the weekends to various kink events, where we are able to play, and we are able to express ourselves.

Why it is being kinky such a taboo?

I really don't think my friends would understand if I tried to explain to them I am her puppy and she is my Mistress, and that we have this relationship, and still love each other very much. I think they would think I was weird, or strange, and not the person they thought they knew. Of course I could never actually know them without ‘coming out’ as kinky but this just isn't something I think I, or they, would be ready for.

Ultimately though having Mistress here living with me for the past month has made me so happy, so overjoyed that each morning I am able to wake up next to her, look her in eye and say ‘I love you Mistress’. I now only hope that I am able to do for a long time going forward.

She is my Mistress, I am her puppy. As long as she is happy, I am happy.


Edited by Natali Noir

Measuring up for Mistress

He can't satisfy me and that's okay...well at least not with his cock.

It's been no secret that since I became sexually active in my teens that I always craved bigger and 'better' cock. At first it started innocently enough (that's how I like to remember it anyway) and I just loved big dicks. I loved everything about them but most of all I loved how they felt inside me. That's it. Big dick? Check! Insertion? Check! Feel good? Ooooohhhhh yeah check!

I'm an older, more mature woman now. Hey, if you say it enough you start to believe it right? Color me jaded but I've come to learn that it's not just enough to have a large schlong anymore, you have to actually know how to use it. I won't forgive myself for showing up late and scantily clad to the 'finese in the bedroom' party but now that I'm here consider me a lifetime member.

My current submissive is not well endowed, he barely touches the tip of average for me (pun intended!) but I appreciate his work ethic between the sheets; dedicated, hard working, and never misses a shift. I mentioned to him once, he fucks like he has a 10 inch cock it's just a shame he doesn't actually have one. So, I thought it only my duty to share what I've learned about massive mound monsters over the years...

Ladies if your partner is well endowed don't let him take a backseat to participation. Make him work for it!

Men with big dicks, you have a responsibility to uphold. No longer will we take your laziness in bed lying down (okay maybe once in a while) but you need to bring your 'A' game when you're with us. If you want to be a star player just remember these simple rules:

1. Foreplay, foreplay, fore-fucking-play! Seriously if you're expecting us to take your oversized one-eyed trouser snake you need to make absolutely sure that we are wet and ready. Feel free to check with fingers, tongue, toys or all of the above.

2. Don't be lazy. Come on, we know that lugging around your clam hammer can be an exhausting task but when it's time to enter Paradise, you'd hate to be the guy taking a nap right? Have a banana or some quick protein to get your energy up so that you can match and maybe exceed us in terms of tantric team effort.

3. Buy your own big condoms you dumb dumb. We're never going to know your balony baton as well as you. Save us the frustration of looking for "the" one in a mad dash at the phramacy on our way to see you. Large, extra large, super, and king size all sound like a good time for us.

4. Don't bottom out without asking us first. I can't speak for all women but I really hate when a guy takes his huge heat seeking moisture missile and rams it until he hits my cervix. A bruised cervix is no fun. Unless she's into pain, which I'm sure she might have mentioned at the start. If she didn't err on the side of caution.

5. Avoid being anyone's first. It really sucks to have that kind of standard set at the very beginning of your sexual experience and then being massively disappointed with all other lap lizards thereafter. If you must, give her a disclaimer letting her know you're a special snowflake.

6. Request blow jobs carefully. You know you have an above average python of love, be considerate if asking and knowing it's a lot to take in---literally! If she says 'no' don't make her feel bad, she might just want to be able to talk for the next couple of days without a painful reminder of biting off more than she could deepthroat.

7. Groom! Your mega moby dick doesn't excuse you from presenting it to us in a pleasing-to-the-eye manner. Also don't forget to get those shaft hairs, they're scraggly looking little buggers when we're faced with them and we don't know whether to laugh or cry when we see them.

8. Be good at something else. Yes, yes, yes, you've got your super sperminator but you don't wanna be called a one trick pony do you? Of course not! Learn the ways of cunnilingus, analingus, heavy petting, and making out like mastermind. Trust me, a little multi-tasking goes a long way. Probably not as long as your cock but still, it's a nice gesture.

9. Do not attempt anal with a novice. I repeat step away from the anus. I mean come on would you want to have a crazy sized Cock-a-saurus Rex as your intro to anal sex? No? Well she probably wouldn't either! Save this for a girl who has a little more anal experience.

10. Communication. What you expecting something more profound? This has nothing to do with size and everything to do with being a good sex partner. Listen to your partner's wants and needs, learn their body language and if you're unsure ask. There's nothing sexier for a woman than hearing "How do you want me?' Remember to share your wants and needs too and see what works best for you both.

And guys who are smaller than average, don't fret. There's positions and techniques that may yet work for you to satisfy your partner. Head over here to check them out.

Lastly for the ladies, unless you're willing to offer some constructive criticism don't make fun of guys with just-ever-so-cutely sized joysticks---if they had a choice in the matter they would've said: "Supersize me please."

P.S. Take my advice with a grain of salt, I'm just a woman who has and will always love big fucking dicks.

The domesticated Domme

The role of Susie Homemaker has never appealed to me.

I hate dishes
I loathe ironing
And window washing?! Death by watching paint dry please!

But I've found I love vacuuming, it's soothing. Dusting makes it easy for me to be excited by the visible progress and wiping the kitchen down creates a aura of "win" within me.

This week I've gone across the ocean 4,000 miles to be with my puppy. And there's nothing more I want to do than to take care of him. I find myself folding his laundry, packing his away bag, brushing his hair and selecting his outfit each day. And it fills me with such a feeling of accomplishment...sat on top of a mound of dominance.

I feed him by hand, chew his food for him, and restrict certain items after certain times and on certain days. Everything that goes into his body is controlled by me. It wasn't until recently that I admitted that I am very Motherly with him.

He has called me Mommy for the past few months and I can't argue that I feel just as titled.

This isn't in the littles or AB way. It's just in a caretaker way. It's another way for me to dominate him. It's a way for him to show his submission to me.

When he has lost his glasses I am there to find them.
When he is getting road rage I am there to calm him.
When he can't decide on what to eat I make the decision for him.

Does this make me any less of a domme?

I don't think so. I've come to find the entire arrangement very suitable for us. I would be lying if I tried to deny the erotic charge that fills me each time he wakes up in his sleeping whispering...

"Mommy, I need you," as he snuggles close against my warm body.

And I've come to feel safe saying, "I need you too."

More than puppy love

I've written and re-written this entry about my meeting with my English puppy but nothing has felt right. Nothing has been able to convey the sheer level of connection that we experienced in his short time here.

I can only describe it as serendipity.

We met online by chance. We live nearly 4,000 miles apart but we clicked in an instant and our first face to face meeting was just as surprising. It feels like the Universe has brought us together for great things.

We fell into each others arms at the airport like old lovers and never left them for a week. He was always at my side or at my feet. Everything we did, everything we said, everywhere we went, just felt...right. All the anxiety was quickly washed away and forgotten as we slipped in and out of full kink mode and our vanilla selves with such ease. I think this is the one person I could easily pull a 24/7 kink relationship off with.

But he is so much more than my puppy.

He is my boy.
He is my pet.
He is my lover.
He is my everything.

These words aren't from behind rose colored glasses I speak. I truly believe this is the real deal. A once in a lifetime kind of love. The kind of love that only poets and Hollywood can bring to life.

He made me feel wanted and cared for and above all else he made me feel womanly. More of a FemDom than I have felt in my life. When I do professional sessions there's a level I need to maintain where I don't let their fantasy become mine. I need to stay focused and in control of making sure they have an enjoyable experience. When I'm with a play partner at the club I know I can't push them to their limits and I certainly don't know how they'll react to all our play or even if we'll sync up. There was none of that with my puppy.

We were in sync from day one. The face slapping, hair pulling, pussy worship, toilet bowl drinking, chastity, heavy spanking and spitting were not only accepted but begged for and as his Mistress and girl I was happy to provide it all.

I'm thinking about changing my safe word to "Time" because it's the only thing I hate more than "Alabama" right now.

I know that our next meeting will be just as electrical and this is one adventure I don't need an itinerary for. I just want to enjoy the ride with my puppy hanging his tongue out the window. And in case anyone was wondering, I did tell the poor chap my name when we met. I couldn't contain the real me, not even for a second and I think from his happy barks the feeling was mutual.

Lustful wet

I want him.
Hard, fast, deep...with me. Inside me.

Any way I can get. Any way that has my hands around his throat and my fingers in his mouth.

I want him.
In between my legs, dripping on my tongue. Hot and sticky.

It's a stand off against time now, who will break first, crying out into the night. Muffled moans over the airways moving like magic.

I need him.
He's mine. I deserve him.
I will take what is mine and all he can do is whimper before the desire takes all that he is.

Giving himself to me piece by piece, cell by cell until all that is left is the essence of us.

40 Days and 40 Nights

"What's the longest you've ever gone without cumming?" 
"Erm, it was 8 days Mistress." I said nervously into the phone. 
'Hahahahahaha!" She laughed. "Oh puppy, we will do better" 

This was one of the first questions Mistress asked me when she first took me under her care, and placed me in her 126 Day Training regime. One of the initial rules I was given was that my cock, was now Mistress's cock. She owned it, and it was now her property, not mine. She told me that I was not allowed to touch her property anymore, except with her permission. 

This is something I had tried before online, but never with the level of commitment from a Domme that Mistress was showing me, and this made it easier to obey and follow. Initially Mistress told me that I would be allowed to cum after 13 days, unless I messed up, and then that date would be moved further back. 

The first week was extremely difficult! Being in this new relationship with an incredible Domme, meant I was in a constant state of arousal. Mistress kept getting me to repeat the phrase to her 'I am a good boy, I will not touch Mistresses cock,' whenever she thought I was wavering to temptation.

The first time my date got moved was after Mistress had ordered her puppy to buy some kinky toys. When they arrived I was given a choice. I could open them now, but the 13 days would reset, or open them later and it would stay the same. Unfortunately (very much like my Mistress) patience is not a strong point of mine. I begged Mistress to let me open my new toys.

She laughed, "Go ahead puppy," as the 13 days mentally and verbally reset. 

Once the toys were open Mistress teased her puppy hard, bringing me just to the point of orgasm, where I was sure I would be released.

"Stop playing with my property and put your toys away baby," she told me over the cam.

This kind of denial was something I had not experienced before and something that excited me a lot. It would have been so easy to 'finish the job' once our cams were off, but I never wanted to. The relationship I felt I was building with this person was too strong to throw away. Mistress is experienced, Mistress knows how to read people, and Mistress was very much in my naughty, slutty head. I knew if I did cum, she would know, she would expose it, and make me confess every detail to her. 

As the days went on, like a stupid slutty pup, I would try to tease Mistress on cam. I would put my body in certain ways on cam, or walk in a certain way. This would never end well for me...at all. Mistress could tease me back so much harder, in so much less obvious, slutty ways. There have been several times I have been twitching at the end of the phone, begging to touch her property. Mistress allowed me a few times to touch her property as she watched, but the deal then became, that I would not be allowed to cum for 40 days and 40 nights. This seemed like such a long time and if this had of been the initial challenge instead of 13, I do not believe I could have done it. Mistress made it clear how proud she would be if i could do it and that after that time she would fully control her property. Of course like everything else she wanted, she convinced me and by the end of one of our many late night phone calls, I was begging to kept locked up for 40 days. 

During these 40 days, with Mistress's permission, I booked a flight from England to America to go and see her. This has made me more excited than I have been for a long time, and I think it has had a similar effect on Mistress too. Mistress told me she had been thinking about making me wait till I arrived to her before release and she wanted to know my thoughts. Mistress is very fair and did give me an option, as she had previously said that I would be allowed out after 40 days. Instantly though I begged her for this. I figured if I could do 40 days, an extra 2 weeks couldn't be that bad, if it meant I could be with her at the end time in chastity. As I type this I am 42 days without having voluntarily cum once, and I look forward to reaching the 50 mark and then soon after getting to Mistress.

I do feel that this time spent is chastity is my best achievement as a submissive to date and I do only have Mistress to thank for that. She has made me so desperate to submit and please her, that I have wanted to deny myself for her sole pleasure. I look forward to getting to her, but not for release, just so i can be hers. And I know in the back of my mind that any bad behavior upon my arrival could mean that Mistress coould decide her puppy can wait just a little longer....

Edited by Natali Noir

Breaking the habit

"I want to do the most disgusting fucked up shit with you," he said with a sigh into the telephone.

I squeezed my eyes tightly, gripping my own phone and tried to stop the flash of images running through my mind:

Taking him over my knee and spanking him until he cried and then as I consoled him choking him and until he nearly passed out, spitting in his mouth as he gasped for air only to let him catch his breath and do it over again. And when he had gotten himself together, I'd drag him by the hair to the toilet and hold his head in until I thought he had drank enough.

I think it was safe to say I wanted to do some pretty fucked up shit with him as well. The kind of shit I might have seen pictures of online but never thought I'd partake in.

I was beginning to remember why I had renamed my decade long journey from mundane to Mistress---Down The Rabbit Hole when I recounted it to others.

He was saying, 'Drink me'.
And I was saying, 'More'.

This all started about two months ago. I was browsing Collarspace as I happen to do every once in awhile when I need a good laugh at the profiles or when looking for eye-candy. One of these is much more prevalent on a site like this...

I had stumbled upon his profile and it was innocuous enough, save for the bit about him being picky about whom he served. He was one of the few submissive men I'd seen that stated they didn't just throw themselves at any ol "Dommey Domme".

I liked this.

I liked his picture so I sent a quick note of "Cute :)" and nothing more. Within moments we were chatting on messenger. Hours passed, I learned about his kink experience, his fetishes, what he wanted in his future, hell he'd even been foolish enough tell me his real name. He held nothing back that I wanted to know and this made me feel even more in charge of him with each word we exchanged. When he called me 'Mistress' my loins tingled, I felt dizzy and my heart raced.

What the hell was happening to me? What was he doing to me?

Night grew to morning and morning grew into day...we realized at some point we should sleep.

The next day I asked him to enter my 126 Day Submissive Training Program and after negotiating a light contract and he accepted. We haven't stopped talking each day and each night since. We're feeding off of each other and I can't tell whether that's going to be the base of a beautiful thing or the weak crutch of a terrible short lived mistake.

I'm a woman who knows what I want and what I wanted was him.

Oh yes he might have been in another time zone over 4,000 miles away, half the world apart but that didn't stop us. Each day those miles have seemed to melt away as I knew he be under my boot in just 21 short days.

My little lost puppy will be finding his way to me and I will greet him with open arms.

Are we crazy? Maybe a little.
Will this be worth it? We hope so.
Is it going to be fucking hot? Absolutely!

Podcast - Episode 4 -"Consent Violation & Privacy"

This week we're getting deep into 'Consent Violation' & 'Privacy Among Kinksters'. I'll also answer one Kinky Question of The Day (KQOTD) from a reader.

Here are the podcast highlights...

** 00:28 - Consent, consent violations, and consensual non-consent

** 15:55 - Scene names and how to keep yourself/identity protected

** 23:34 - Kinky Question of The Day "What are some warm-up techniques before play?"

** 27:30 - Next week's topics---Poly, mono-poly, and navigating the scene as a non-poly person

Links
Consent & BDSM: The State of Law

Feel free to listen below...

LISTEN HERE

FemDom: Not all it's pegged up to be

I am a FemDom.

For all intent purposes.

I am a female dominant who controls the relationships I am in through the use of power exchange and an overall power dynamic.

This is my public service announcement to say something that has really irritated me for quite some time.


FEMDOM ≠ Strap-on play!

It doesn't equal pegging, anal play, or any other form of a female taking your asshole as hers. I'm sorry the media has lied to you. And by media I mean every Tumblr, Twitter, Reddit or other imagery bucket that could be construed as knowing what the hell they're talking about. I'm saddened that the first set of images I see when I Google "Female domination BDSM" all portray females with massively sized strap-on cocks.

You wanna know a secret? I've been in the scene for over 10 years and I haven't pegged one person. Not one.

*waits for the dramatic gasps*

Yes, insane I know.

Don't misunderstand me; anal play can definitely be a form of female dominance. But it's not my form. And it's not every FemDom's form. We don't all crave the feeling of a cock between our legs, well least not the strap-on kind. We're not all foaming at the mouth to tie you down, bend you over, and make you beg for X amount of inches. The men who choose to engage in female led dynamics seem to come with a duffle bag of pre-conceived notions about what FemDom should and shouldn't be. Before I promptly gag them I want them to know that my female dominance is about whatever the fuck I want it to be. Period. That's the beauty of true female domination. It's not about you. It's not about your penis. It's not about what you think. It's not about what you want.
It's about ME.

Are there any other questions?

A Weekend reunion

It was a welcome change of pace: My first ever big kink event outside of a dungeon and I was surrounded by a large number of kinksters who I identified with. I’m certainly not one who prefers to be surrounded only by people who share the same skin color as me, but I do find it quite intimidating when my Miss and I are in the extreme minority when attending local kink events.  Not only are we in a female domme led relationship, but we are both also people of color.  That's why when I heard that there was an event tailored to include (but not exclusive to) people of color, I had to admit that I was very excited.

Our first evening consisted mostly of socializing with other kinksters and making some new acquaintances.  

The next evening is when I felt the event really started.

When we entered the dungeon, I expected the usual mixture of women screaming and being dominated while in rope.  However, what I was treated to was far different from what I had imagined. There was a veritable mixture of various forms of play.  I could hardly keep up with all the happenings, a female dominating a bound male with a single-tail, needle play in the corner, cupping nearby, wrestling, and wand play. It completely blew my mind as these were all people of color. I felt a little ashamed of our local clubs as the scenes were often dominated with male kinksters whose only interest was tying women up and beating them and seeing much more than that in action put a smile on my face.

As I looked around the room, I also realized a harbored kink of mine was beginning to take shape. I have an eye and desire for booty. I admit that to myself.  It seems that especially within the PoC kink community there is a plethora of women with thick thighs and large, round posteriors. I visually drank it in.  In spite of that, I still only had eyes for Miss who never fails to wear the most eye catching attire whenever we enter a dungeon. I was laid out onto a table and tortured with the Wartenberg wheel, which is one my Domme’s favorite devices.  We eventually made our way to the floor, where my I enjoyed a sensual session of being objectified for her pleasure. I enjoyed feeling her full weight on me as she used me as a table. I was joyful at the sight of a room full of PoC kinksters and aroused by the fact that I was enjoying it with my Mistress.

We made our way up to the after parties later that night and I will only say what happens at after parties stay at after parties. :)

The next day my Miss and I booked our first kinky photo shoot. She really enjoyed every moment of it (see the picture in this post) and we loved how all the photos came out. We also attended two demos so that I could learn a bit more about other forms of play. I watched a demonstration of impact play involving two males.  It piqued my interest and I expressed to my Miss that I was open to exploring it a bit more if she were interested. We also watched a session on squashing. This also captured my interest as I already enjoyed my Mistress utilizing her body weight to overpower me physically.  

That evening she made use of the violet wand which never fails to overpower me with sensation.Every little zip and zap sent waves through me, increasing my state of arousal. Even tied to the table I felt my body lifting off whenever a wave of electricity rolled through me.

Next she blindfolded me and bound in me rope. This wasn't uncommon as she as stated how much she enjoys seeing me tied p for her visual pleasure but next she surprised me. She lifted me up and off the ground (yes, she's that strong!) and spun me around in the air sporadically. She'd place me on my feet for a moment and let me get my balance but then she'd spin me again.  It was a very frightening experience as I couldn’t see anything around me but my trust was in her completely because I had no way to keep myself from falling.  

I was then placed me on the floor and felt my my body being covered in a unique sort of bag. It was soft on the skin but also so tight that once I was completely cocooned within it I could not move. It seemed the name of the game was sensory deprivation. I was completely lost in my own world of pleasure and pain as Mistress played with my body in every way she saw fit---and there was a lot! 

One of the first questions I remember asking her at the end of it all was “Can we do this again next year?”


Edited for approval by: Natali Noir

Podcast Episode 3 -"Sub care & hard limits"

On this week's episode we'll talk about the 'Subspace, Subdrop, & Aftercare' and 'Hard & Soft Limits". I'll also answer one Kinky Question of The Day (KQOTD) from a reader.

Here are the podcast highlights...

** 01:03 - Understanding subspace, subdrop and the importance of aftercare/aftercare techniques

** 13:35 - How to identify and establish hard and soft limits

** 21:33 - Kinky Question of The Day "What's a good Mistress name for myself?"

** 27:01 - Next week's topics---Consent violation and maintaining privacy while in the scene

Feel free to listen below...


LISTEN HERE

Podcast - Episode 2 -"What's Your Kinky Role"

Our second episode covers different kinky roles and good places on the web to meet fellow kinksters. I'll also answer one Kinky Question of The Day (KQOTD) from a reader.

Here are the podcast highlights...

 ** 00:32 - Different kinky roles and their distinctions

 ** 14:32 - Where are the best places on the web to meet fellow kinksters?

Try these sites
ALT.com
Fetlife.com
Collarspace.com
Adultfriendfinder.com
Swinglifestyle.com
Craigslist.org
OkCupid.com

** 24:27- Kinky Question of The Day "I found BDSM porn on my son's computer. What should I do?" 

** 31:34 - Next week's topics---Subspace, sub drop and aftercare. Hard and soft limits and how to enforce them.

LISTEN HERE

Podcast - Episode 1 -"The 50 Shades Effect"

On our very first episode we'll talk about the '50 Shades Effect' and the difference between being Kinky vs. Freaky. I'll also answer one Kinky Question of The Day (KQOTD) from a reader.

Here are the podcast highlights...

** 00:56 - 50 Shades Effect & staying safe in your local community

** 12:15 - Is there a difference between being kinky or just being freaky?

** 15:14 - Kinky Question of The Day "What can I call my fiance during play?"

** 21:56 - Next week's topics---Various kink roles and places around the web to meet fellow kinksters

LISTEN HERE

I make the rules

After my last entry I took some time with the boy to talk about where we were going and where we had been with our kinky interactions for the past couple of years. If I was being honest with myself I expected a certain level of protocol and discipline that I knew he wasn't delivering and wasn't entirely sure he was capable of achieving. It wasn't necessarily all his fault. In my mind these attributes either came easily or took a lot of work to maintain and we both hadn’t been up to the task. I also had to admit my desires at their core had shifted and the things I once held in such high regard of what I wanted as a Mistress didn't seem so dire anymore.

What was the solution?

He suggested adjusting things and trying again, putting in more effort, more rules, and stricter protocols. I grew tired at just the thought of increasing the intensity of our intentions. Maybe that was our problem; we were trying to do too much. After much re-evaluation I decided it was time for a change. But what change would allow me to keep him in his submissive nature and myself calling the shots without a load of stress? I knew just the thing. A Female Led Relationship was more up our alley and fit perfectly into our lifestyle and way of thinking. I was never one for being the mean Mistress, I've always felt more comfortable being the Queen of my castle.

What is FLR? 

To me it as a relationship where the power dynamic has been reversed leaving the female in charge. The male half of this relationship conforms, obeys, and complies with any desires and needs without objection. In essence he has given her control over most, if not all, of their relationship and the decisions to be made. She knows best and he knows that.

I explained to Locs what I had in mind and I immediately implemented changes and dropped cumbersome rules I had been mistakenly holding on to. And for the first time in a year I felt, dare I say, more like my old kinky self than I had in a while.

In my mind I wanted my sub to act like this, say these things, and remember those things. When I stopped thinking of him exclusively as submissive I had to train and more like follower of my beliefs something clicked. I began to appreciate and hone in on the areas that I liked about our kinky time and not stress about the things I didn’t.

For us this has come a lot more naturally. There aren't a lot of rules, protocols, or expectations since the only rule generally is to follow my lead and instruction. Currently this has taken the form of me deciding what Locs gets to wear, what television shows we watch, what he eats, when he exercises, when chores get done and so forth. I mentally make notes of infractions I find annoying throughout the week like when he forgets a task I've given him, when he back talks or gets Sammie, etc and then I punish him each week. Sometimes he’s lucky enough to be rewarded if he has been particularly good but it’s never guaranteed.

How is this different than us being traditional Mistress and sub? 

It’s not very far off as I believe a plethora of D/s play is intertwined. For me it was a mental switch and one that has been reflected more physically that we don't have “sessions” anymore. We are always in our roles. He doesn't just put on his collar when we are about to “play” or go to a party, he wears it 24/7 now. On the flip side all of the D/s things we enjoy are still there: spankings, rope, CBT, tease and denial and all the things in between. The subtleties we express each day are much more magnified and simply put; we are in a state of being instead of doing. It’s hard for me to put such a feeling of contentment into words.  

It feels like I have finally put the Mistress into all things mundane.

When nothing goes right...go left!

I keep looking at my scarcely updated blog and wondering why the slump? I've been in them before but they usually fix themselves before long. They've not lasted for a year or more, yet here I am.

There was a time long ago in my early scene years where I thought I liked training submissives. I was good at it. It was a point of pride. Breaking someone down and rebuilding them in your image sounds like every dominant's dream. But, it takes time and dedication and a lot of patience. I find myself very short on all of these. If I'm being honest the new sub/bf has been much more than I ever bargained for. Navigating polyamory and kink at the same time is proved to be a rather daunting task. If I focus too much on one then the other gets pushed to the back burner.

How is a domme to do it all?

Do you ever feel exhausted by kink? Like the lifestyle requires much more than you can give it?

It's a terrible self depreciating cycle. I lack the desire to do kink but when I try to muster the energy and I fail to do it properly I lose the desire.

How much of a D/s relationship falls to the dominant to initiate? Where does/how the submissive suggest play without sounding like they're topping from the bottom?

I can't tell if this is better or worse than a vanilla sexual slump.

I promised myself that this year I'd fall back in love with kink but what if kink just doesn't want to fall in love with me?

Not just an afterthought

I don't usually make any big mistakes as a dominant, that's not to say I still don't have  areas to improve in, I just mean I'm usually on top (no pun intended) of things I do.

A couple of weeks ago the boy, who in this new year shall be referred to as Locs, attended a meet and greet and stayed for the open play after. It was the first meeting for this group and the organizer was doing a round table sort of open discussion. One of the questions she posed was "What do you wish you'd known about the scene when you first started?" I eagerly raised my hand and spoke up about the importance of aftercare following a few others who mentioned things like trust and finding a label, or not, that works for you.

Afterward I helped the organizer co-top her extremely high pain tolerance puppy for a bit. I brought over a hairbrush paddle and newly gifted vampire gloves thinking these would definitely make a dent in him. No dice. After almost 20 straight minutes of paddling, scratching, punching and everything in between, I was breaking out into a sweat. I had barely noticed another domme had joined us until I saw her tapping out too. The organizer was much more brutal to her puppy than we were combined as she kicked him sternly with her combat boots in the back of his ass. She kneed him in his sides and sat on his neck. It was fascinating to witness, and partake, in a literal attempt to physically break someone down. Shortly thereafter, while I was regrouping to play with Locs I heard the puppy give out his first yelp--- it had only taken 45 minutes, three domes with instruments of pain, and a pair of heavy soled combat boots. I was impressed.

I proceeded to play with Locs, first making him strip into a pair of undies of my choosing then to the shibari. I tied him up in a futomomo tie restricting his legs and then tied his hands together in a simple cuff. He wasn't moving and that's the way I wanted it while I prickled his nipples with the Wartenburg wheel, slapped his face and dug my freshly done nails into his chest and stomach. I really am hands on. Some lip biting occurred and this went on for a bit until I felt he had enough, as he cried out into the air of the dungeon for mercy. I kissed him, untied him and got called over to a group of folks with some questions about shibari, and then to a table of other females complimenting me and then to someone asking to be tied their first time by me. I floated around the dungeon caught up in the social chaos and completely forgot about Locs after he had finished cleaning up. We stayed late laughing and exchanging info with new ministers and then drove the lengthy drive back.

It wasn't until later that night as we were crawling into bed I remembered something: I had forgotten to give him aftercare.

I mentally kicked myself for being so high up on my horse that I literally was not practicing what I was preaching. For me aftercare was the signal of the end of play. I had been an aftercare master in my day always sensing just what was needed of someone and providing. Yet, that night I had not given it a second thought. I apologized to Locs but he had said it was fine, he understood and he hadn't held it against me but it got me thinking about what aftercare means to everyone. When I was a sub I would have been very upset if my dominant had forgotten aftercare, especially if it was to go chat with others but to him it wasn't something he needed every time, so he says but I suspect differently.

I looked in my play bag and saw my aftercare package of Starburst candies, a bottle of water and a cashmere fluff and wondered what aftercare meant to everyone else. Clearly not everyone needs it but how many of us want it?

What does aftercare mean to you and how important is in play? What about with someone you're comfortable playing with does it change then?