A walk in the park

I was walking in the city today when I couldn't help but notice a couple in the park. The female of the pair was looking over her shoulder at something as the male bent down to tie her shoelace. This was a minor but selfless gesture that made me smile. I was probably more excited than I should have been to see a man on his knees. I admit it's been far too long but I didn't realize I had missed it so much.

The idea of a man on his knees for me again made me tingle!

I genuinely miss having my slave at my feet. But more than that I just miss having him around and spending time with him on a personal level.

I doubt the couple in the park had any idea the message that they were conveying to me with a simple act such as tying ones shoe. It makes me giggle when I think of what a dirty mind I have sometimes...

Friday Fill-In #1

This is my first Friday Fill-In...so enjoy!

1. When will there be beauty in the breakdown?

2. Bliss was the last good book I read.

3. Everything has its beauty but it's always in the eye of the beholder.

4. Chicken tenders and french fries is what I had for dinner.

5. I'd like your mouth on my lips.

6. Dreamland is where I want to be right now.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to sorting out my thoughts, tomorrow my plans include much of the same and Sunday, I want to take sleeping pills to forget about it all!

Rant: BDSM is just not that into you

This has been bugging me for quite some time: People who think using handcuffs or tying up their bf/gf once automatically means they're 'into" BDSM.

Get real.

I'm sorry, call me a bitch (it wouldn't be the first or last time) but I'm a bit of an elitist here. I think BDSM goes far beyond some cheap $5 handcuffs and loosely tying someone up. If anything this means you're flirting with the idea of being kinky. 

Kinky ≠ BDSM.

To me, BDSM is 90% mindfuck, 10% props. Seeing a submissive on their knees does a lot more for me than tying them to a chair. Hearing the words "You own me" get me more wet than any pair of handcuffs ever have. For me, BDSM is all about the power exchange.

When did everyone decide to hop on the BDSM Express? You think because you saw Secretary or a few primetime shows with reference to the scene you have BDSM all figured out? If hear one more of my "friends" claim to be into BDSM without ever having experienced it...I think I will scream. I understand some people research, and talk, and plan, and plot before engaging in an activity and if I thought that any of the people throwing around the BDSM name had the wherewithal to actually follow thru I'd shut-up....but they don't. Hence my supreme need for a rant.

I promise not to think any less of you if you're not into BDSM, I can't say the same if you act like a poser...

Wishlist Wednesday #2

I've realized that I spend a lot of time mindlessly surfing the net to look at the newest, most tantalizing, sexy items that I can find. I decided to share some of my favorites. I've named my lineup "Wishlist Wednesday"
Enjoy!

Nipple Clamps & Cock Ring

This is an ingenious idea! The harder your puppet gets the more pain he'll receive. This is a device definitely designed for the ever-needing masochist. It almost takes all of the fun out it for the Mistress...almost.

Spandex Hood

Generally speaking I don't use hoods. I somewhat dislike them. I find them a tad scary. Especially the ones with spikes and leather *shudder* But, this one was non-threatening and playful enough for me to enjoy at least aesthetically. I think the material helps as much as the mouth being large and not containing any zippers.

Liquid Latex
Ahh, the endless joys of liquid latex. I've never played with this myself but have stood by in awe as others have. There's something semi-innocent (remember painting in grade school) coupled with complete kink that makes this tantalizing for me.

Further down the rabbit hole...

I've been neglecting my blog. It wasn't on purpose and believe me, this blog has become a somewhat therapeutic release that I desire. It's just the past two weeks has been an ebb and flow of things; friends, family, life.  

The week before last (the week following the drunken sex with my former) I spent the entire week with him. He was on vacation and I was lucky enough to occupy his time. We talked, we drank (God, did we drink!), and of course there was more sex. I noticed immediately that drunken or not my Domme tendencies were prevalent. And since we were not together as Mistress and slave, I found it necessary if not down-right polite to ask him before I did anything too 'Mistressy' to him. 

Of course he said yes, he never says no to me, and so I scratched him, bit him, sucked his tongue, hummed with his cock in my mouth, and fucked him into a frenzy. I think the entire week we were together his dick never got soft haha. I've been reading a good training manual and book called "Erotic Slavehood" and it's a very interesting insight into a sub/slave's mind. The reading is good but I know that my former and I have to work together as people, as a couple (if we choose), before BDSM can be reintroduced into our lives. As it stands now (the end of this week), I know in my heart I have some important decision and soul-searching to do. Life cannot always be all tease and denial...  

So, we shall see where this wicked winding road leads us.

You be you and I'll be me

I woke up this morning naked, drunk, in a strange apartment and slightly sore between my legs. I know, that's one hell of a Thursday night...but let me back up the story so I don't come off sounding like a five-dollar hooker who was slipped some roofies. 

Tuesday night I had my first real kiss in 16 days. It was soft. It was smoky. It was sincere. And it was from my former slave. On Tuesday my former dropped off some items of mine that he had. I was asleep when he did so. Later that night I got a hold of him because he said he was going to burn the journal that he had been keeping for me when we were together. I couldn't let that happen. I'm a firm believer that once something is written, it can't and shouldn't be unwritten. He said I could have it if I didn't want him to burn it. So we met. 

He came to my house and I had a bag of his things left behind waiting for him. It was a quick and sterile exchange. He handed me the journal and I handed him the bag. I offered him his slave registration certificate (the birthday present I gave him earlier this month) but he refused stating that he wasn't my slave anymore. He turned around and left. He was like the wind, gone almost as fast as he had arrived.  

Once back inside I looked thru the journal; foolishly hoping that there would be a hidden message for me somewhere in it but there wasn't. But I did realize that he had put our contract and some other papers within the journal. This coupled with his rejection of the slave registration made my heart heavy. I felt like we were just two passing strangers and these papers, these words that could never be unwritten were our only connection. I started feeling depressed with such thoughts so I tried to distract myself, I started looking for work. While I was in the middle of that mindless task he texted me. We talked about not hating one another, this is where I informed him I could never hate him. He was too special and I loved him too much to ever feel that way about him. I was glad to hear that he felt the same. 

Somehow in our chatting I mentioned that I wanted to hug him earlier but he seemed set on just giving me the journal and then leaving. He said he could come give me a goodbye hug. And he did. "This is probably the last time we'll ever see each" was the first thing he said upon arrival. When he came back later and pulled up in the same manner as before so I thought he was just going to give me a hug then get in his car and leave but we begin talking and actually stood outside for almost 2 hours. The time was filled with rehashing our mistakes, future plans (he's thinking of moving back overseas), hugging, tears (from me), and his kisses. He asked me before he kissed me, which I thought was sweet. I couldn't decline...even if he had smoked several cigarettes beforehand. He finally said he was going home to sleep and I stood on the sidewalk and watched his tail lights disappear into tiny red blotches that were almost non-existing .  

All Wednesday I thought about him. I thought that I had gotten good at pushing him out of my mind. I had almost convinced myself I was on the road to moving on but after seeing him, just for that first few minutes I knew I wasn't. I loved him as much as ever and seeing him again just made me miss him so much more. In the midst of my daze my friends impolitely reminded me that I had canceled my date with the potential slave on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. That was the 5th "date" I've canceled. I'm hoping my friends get the message that I don't want to be set up. I did talk to this slave because he was interesting and was a good conversationalist but emotionally I cannot have anyone else. It's still him. He's still the one. Thursday lulled by. I talked with my ex about what I was feeling and what I should do but of course no definite determination was decided. "Whatever happens happens" was his ending response.  

Thursday night I got a call from my former. He wanted to meet for drinks. He said he was bored and was looking for something to do. I agreed to meet him because he sounded lonely and I missed him, it was a win-win situation. At first at the bar we seemed to not really be there. We seemed outside of ourselves, viewing the tedious, polite conversation from above. It wasn't until we were on our 5th beer and 1st shot of vodka that things loosened up a bit. We got drunk. Really, really drunk. It felt like we were the only two people in the crowded bar. We laughed, we talked, we connected again. And there was honesty. Somehow it was decided that we go back to his place. I had never been before (this was something I desperately wanted before when we were together) so even in my drunken stupor I was excited. God only knows how I managed to drive to his apartment but I did...and all without crashing (please no hate comments on drunk driving, it's very bad I know I know). 

When we got there we continued making out as we had in the bar. As usual when I drink, my clothes starting coming off. I began biting him and tugging at his clothes. Naked in bed we talked some more and he asked me if I would stay the night. 

He said he didn't want me to leave. I wasn't planning on leaving...  

"What the fuck are we doing?" he asked me at some point.  

"What feels right" I replied.  

We cuddled, we kissed, he kissed me all over my body, we made love where be begged to fill me, and eventually we fell asleep in each other's arms. The sex was a somewhat primal, passionate, but needy act that didn't feel forced or wrong. It felt beautiful. Last night we weren't Mistress and slave...we were just him and me. He woke me up this morning with more kisses and more attempts at love making.

A girl could get use to waking up to this every morning...

Wishlist Wednesday

I've realized that I spend a lot of time mindlessly surfing the net to look at the newest, most tantalizing, sexy items that I can find. I decided to share some of my favorites. I've named my lineup "Wishlist Wednesday"

Enjoy!

Posture CollarI have a special place in my little Mistress heart for collars. Something about seeing any subbie of mine in a collar just gets me going. There's nothing like knowing that with one tug he'll be at my feet. I've been especially been drawn to the posture collars because I like their restraining ability and what it'll mean for getting a sub's attention.

Dildo/Strap-On Harness

So far in my years of practicing BDSM I have never used a strap-on on a sub. Crazy I know! This is a been a growing curiosity of mine that I can't wait to fulfill. I'm looking for something very similar to this harness.

Slut Paddle

Every slut needs to be reminded of their status...which is under my toe! I love this paddle because it's the gift that keeps on giving long after I've stopped spanking.

Rent due in $pankings

I know I've been mentioning lately that the economy is really taking its toll on me. Unfortunately, my photography (BDSM and otherwise) only provides so much income. Hence the reason I have finally broken down and found a roommate. Yep. I am losing pretty much all the privacy that I currently have in exchange for renting out my living room. My apartment only consists of four rooms: living room, bedroom, kitchen, and bathroom...so I am essentially giving up 3/4 of my apartment. 

I have rented out the living room and will be sharing the bathroom and kitchen. For what it's worth my new roommate seems like a decent and chill person...I'm just hoping that I'll be able to last with such limited privacy for the 5 months that they'll be here. I've been scrambling around the house trying to gather all the naughty things that I can find and trying to figure a way to muffle the spanking sounds that usually echo from my bedroom. But one thing I just couldn't take down was this: I couldn't get rid of it all. Sheesh!

Eventually...

The longer I am without BDSM the more I yearn for it. I unconvincingly have tried to lie to myself and say "You don't need this" but fuck it: I do. 

This is my life. 
This is who I am. 

For now anyway... 

Which is why I'm going to meet a new potential slave next week. I'm not doing this because I'm fully sure I am ready for another slave. But what I do know is that I want to be happy. I want to get over my former slave and most of all I just want to feel like myself again. I was thinking of attending a recent BDSM event but when I started talking to some of the attendees I was approached by a number of slaves, all looking for a Mistress that had my interests. 

Honestly, I couldn't face the idea of being swamped by slaves all vying for my attention. The idea alone seemed almost too much to go thru with. So I decided not to attend. But I need to move on. Every time I feel the urge to text him or call him or email him, I just try to remember that I'm the one that hurt him. I'm the one who made him cry. I can do no good for him...no matter how much that hurts to admit. In the meantime I've been doing a lot of reading and a lot of refining to make sure the situation I caused a couple months ago does not happen again and most certainly won't mushroom into a cloud of displeasure. 

So far the things I know about the guy I am meeting next week, I am excited about. I also think the fact that he is 6'6 and I am 4'10 is completely mind-boggling (and a tad erotic). We share very similar interests, we've talked about some important deal breakers, we've even gone over our personal beliefs within and outside of BDSM and so far we haven't hit any road blocks. 

So, next week should be interesting to say the least...

HNT #7

Legs, Legs, and more Legs

Back this week again with some more of my thick thighs, with a twist of heels. Enjoy!

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!