FemDom: Not all it's pegged up to be

I am a FemDom.

For all intent purposes.

I am a female dominant who controls the relationships I am in through the use of power exchange and an overall power dynamic.

This is my public service announcement to say something that has really irritated me for quite some time.


FEMDOM ≠ Strap-on play!

It doesn't equal pegging, anal play, or any other form of a female taking your asshole as hers. I'm sorry the media has lied to you. And by media I mean every Tumblr, Twitter, Reddit or other imagery bucket that could be construed as knowing what the hell they're talking about. I'm saddened that the first set of images I see when I Google "Female domination BDSM" all portray females with massively sized strap-on cocks.

You wanna know a secret? I've been in the scene for over 10 years and I haven't pegged one person. Not one.

*waits for the dramatic gasps*

Yes, insane I know.

Don't misunderstand me; anal play can definitely be a form of female dominance. But it's not my form. And it's not every FemDom's form. We don't all crave the feeling of a cock between our legs, well least not the strap-on kind. We're not all foaming at the mouth to tie you down, bend you over, and make you beg for X amount of inches. The men who choose to engage in female led dynamics seem to come with a duffle bag of pre-conceived notions about what FemDom should and shouldn't be. Before I promptly gag them I want them to know that my female dominance is about whatever the fuck I want it to be. Period. That's the beauty of true female domination. It's not about you. It's not about your penis. It's not about what you think. It's not about what you want.
It's about ME.

Are there any other questions?

A Weekend reunion

It was a welcome change of pace: My first ever big kink event outside of a dungeon and I was surrounded by a large number of kinksters who I identified with. I’m certainly not one who prefers to be surrounded only by people who share the same skin color as me, but I do find it quite intimidating when my Miss and I are in the extreme minority when attending local kink events.  Not only are we in a female domme led relationship, but we are both also people of color.  That's why when I heard that there was an event tailored to include (but not exclusive to) people of color, I had to admit that I was very excited.

Our first evening consisted mostly of socializing with other kinksters and making some new acquaintances.  

The next evening is when I felt the event really started.

When we entered the dungeon, I expected the usual mixture of women screaming and being dominated while in rope.  However, what I was treated to was far different from what I had imagined. There was a veritable mixture of various forms of play.  I could hardly keep up with all the happenings, a female dominating a bound male with a single-tail, needle play in the corner, cupping nearby, wrestling, and wand play. It completely blew my mind as these were all people of color. I felt a little ashamed of our local clubs as the scenes were often dominated with male kinksters whose only interest was tying women up and beating them and seeing much more than that in action put a smile on my face.

As I looked around the room, I also realized a harbored kink of mine was beginning to take shape. I have an eye and desire for booty. I admit that to myself.  It seems that especially within the PoC kink community there is a plethora of women with thick thighs and large, round posteriors. I visually drank it in.  In spite of that, I still only had eyes for Miss who never fails to wear the most eye catching attire whenever we enter a dungeon. I was laid out onto a table and tortured with the Wartenberg wheel, which is one my Domme’s favorite devices.  We eventually made our way to the floor, where my I enjoyed a sensual session of being objectified for her pleasure. I enjoyed feeling her full weight on me as she used me as a table. I was joyful at the sight of a room full of PoC kinksters and aroused by the fact that I was enjoying it with my Mistress.

We made our way up to the after parties later that night and I will only say what happens at after parties stay at after parties. :)

The next day my Miss and I booked our first kinky photo shoot. She really enjoyed every moment of it (see the picture in this post) and we loved how all the photos came out. We also attended two demos so that I could learn a bit more about other forms of play. I watched a demonstration of impact play involving two males.  It piqued my interest and I expressed to my Miss that I was open to exploring it a bit more if she were interested. We also watched a session on squashing. This also captured my interest as I already enjoyed my Mistress utilizing her body weight to overpower me physically.  

That evening she made use of the violet wand which never fails to overpower me with sensation.Every little zip and zap sent waves through me, increasing my state of arousal. Even tied to the table I felt my body lifting off whenever a wave of electricity rolled through me.

Next she blindfolded me and bound in me rope. This wasn't uncommon as she as stated how much she enjoys seeing me tied p for her visual pleasure but next she surprised me. She lifted me up and off the ground (yes, she's that strong!) and spun me around in the air sporadically. She'd place me on my feet for a moment and let me get my balance but then she'd spin me again.  It was a very frightening experience as I couldn’t see anything around me but my trust was in her completely because I had no way to keep myself from falling.  

I was then placed me on the floor and felt my my body being covered in a unique sort of bag. It was soft on the skin but also so tight that once I was completely cocooned within it I could not move. It seemed the name of the game was sensory deprivation. I was completely lost in my own world of pleasure and pain as Mistress played with my body in every way she saw fit---and there was a lot! 

One of the first questions I remember asking her at the end of it all was “Can we do this again next year?”


Edited for approval by: Natali Noir

Podcast Episode 3 -"Sub care & hard limits"

On this week's episode we'll talk about the 'Subspace, Subdrop, & Aftercare' and 'Hard & Soft Limits". I'll also answer one Kinky Question of The Day (KQOTD) from a reader.

Here are the podcast highlights...

** 01:03 - Understanding subspace, subdrop and the importance of aftercare/aftercare techniques

** 13:35 - How to identify and establish hard and soft limits

** 21:33 - Kinky Question of The Day "What's a good Mistress name for myself?"

** 27:01 - Next week's topics---Consent violation and maintaining privacy while in the scene

Feel free to listen below...


LISTEN HERE

Podcast - Episode 2 -"What's Your Kinky Role"

Our second episode covers different kinky roles and good places on the web to meet fellow kinksters. I'll also answer one Kinky Question of The Day (KQOTD) from a reader.

Here are the podcast highlights...

 ** 00:32 - Different kinky roles and their distinctions

 ** 14:32 - Where are the best places on the web to meet fellow kinksters?

Try these sites
ALT.com
Fetlife.com
Collarspace.com
Adultfriendfinder.com
Swinglifestyle.com
Craigslist.org
OkCupid.com

** 24:27- Kinky Question of The Day "I found BDSM porn on my son's computer. What should I do?" 

** 31:34 - Next week's topics---Subspace, sub drop and aftercare. Hard and soft limits and how to enforce them.

LISTEN HERE

Podcast - Episode 1 -"The 50 Shades Effect"

On our very first episode we'll talk about the '50 Shades Effect' and the difference between being Kinky vs. Freaky. I'll also answer one Kinky Question of The Day (KQOTD) from a reader.

Here are the podcast highlights...

** 00:56 - 50 Shades Effect & staying safe in your local community

** 12:15 - Is there a difference between being kinky or just being freaky?

** 15:14 - Kinky Question of The Day "What can I call my fiance during play?"

** 21:56 - Next week's topics---Various kink roles and places around the web to meet fellow kinksters

LISTEN HERE

I make the rules

After my last entry I took some time with the boy to talk about where we were going and where we had been with our kinky interactions for the past couple of years. If I was being honest with myself I expected a certain level of protocol and discipline that I knew he wasn't delivering and wasn't entirely sure he was capable of achieving. It wasn't necessarily all his fault. In my mind these attributes either came easily or took a lot of work to maintain and we both hadn’t been up to the task. I also had to admit my desires at their core had shifted and the things I once held in such high regard of what I wanted as a Mistress didn't seem so dire anymore.

What was the solution?

He suggested adjusting things and trying again, putting in more effort, more rules, and stricter protocols. I grew tired at just the thought of increasing the intensity of our intentions. Maybe that was our problem; we were trying to do too much. After much re-evaluation I decided it was time for a change. But what change would allow me to keep him in his submissive nature and myself calling the shots without a load of stress? I knew just the thing. A Female Led Relationship was more up our alley and fit perfectly into our lifestyle and way of thinking. I was never one for being the mean Mistress, I've always felt more comfortable being the Queen of my castle.

What is FLR? 

To me it as a relationship where the power dynamic has been reversed leaving the female in charge. The male half of this relationship conforms, obeys, and complies with any desires and needs without objection. In essence he has given her control over most, if not all, of their relationship and the decisions to be made. She knows best and he knows that.

I explained to Locs what I had in mind and I immediately implemented changes and dropped cumbersome rules I had been mistakenly holding on to. And for the first time in a year I felt, dare I say, more like my old kinky self than I had in a while.

In my mind I wanted my sub to act like this, say these things, and remember those things. When I stopped thinking of him exclusively as submissive I had to train and more like follower of my beliefs something clicked. I began to appreciate and hone in on the areas that I liked about our kinky time and not stress about the things I didn’t.

For us this has come a lot more naturally. There aren't a lot of rules, protocols, or expectations since the only rule generally is to follow my lead and instruction. Currently this has taken the form of me deciding what Locs gets to wear, what television shows we watch, what he eats, when he exercises, when chores get done and so forth. I mentally make notes of infractions I find annoying throughout the week like when he forgets a task I've given him, when he back talks or gets Sammie, etc and then I punish him each week. Sometimes he’s lucky enough to be rewarded if he has been particularly good but it’s never guaranteed.

How is this different than us being traditional Mistress and sub? 

It’s not very far off as I believe a plethora of D/s play is intertwined. For me it was a mental switch and one that has been reflected more physically that we don't have “sessions” anymore. We are always in our roles. He doesn't just put on his collar when we are about to “play” or go to a party, he wears it 24/7 now. On the flip side all of the D/s things we enjoy are still there: spankings, rope, CBT, tease and denial and all the things in between. The subtleties we express each day are much more magnified and simply put; we are in a state of being instead of doing. It’s hard for me to put such a feeling of contentment into words.  

It feels like I have finally put the Mistress into all things mundane.

When nothing goes right...go left!

I keep looking at my scarcely updated blog and wondering why the slump? I've been in them before but they usually fix themselves before long. They've not lasted for a year or more, yet here I am.

There was a time long ago in my early scene years where I thought I liked training submissives. I was good at it. It was a point of pride. Breaking someone down and rebuilding them in your image sounds like every dominant's dream. But, it takes time and dedication and a lot of patience. I find myself very short on all of these. If I'm being honest the new sub/bf has been much more than I ever bargained for. Navigating polyamory and kink at the same time is proved to be a rather daunting task. If I focus too much on one then the other gets pushed to the back burner.

How is a domme to do it all?

Do you ever feel exhausted by kink? Like the lifestyle requires much more than you can give it?

It's a terrible self depreciating cycle. I lack the desire to do kink but when I try to muster the energy and I fail to do it properly I lose the desire.

How much of a D/s relationship falls to the dominant to initiate? Where does/how the submissive suggest play without sounding like they're topping from the bottom?

I can't tell if this is better or worse than a vanilla sexual slump.

I promised myself that this year I'd fall back in love with kink but what if kink just doesn't want to fall in love with me?

Not just an afterthought

I don't usually make any big mistakes as a dominant, that's not to say I still don't have  areas to improve in, I just mean I'm usually on top (no pun intended) of things I do.

A couple of weeks ago the boy, who in this new year shall be referred to as Locs, attended a meet and greet and stayed for the open play after. It was the first meeting for this group and the organizer was doing a round table sort of open discussion. One of the questions she posed was "What do you wish you'd known about the scene when you first started?" I eagerly raised my hand and spoke up about the importance of aftercare following a few others who mentioned things like trust and finding a label, or not, that works for you.

Afterward I helped the organizer co-top her extremely high pain tolerance puppy for a bit. I brought over a hairbrush paddle and newly gifted vampire gloves thinking these would definitely make a dent in him. No dice. After almost 20 straight minutes of paddling, scratching, punching and everything in between, I was breaking out into a sweat. I had barely noticed another domme had joined us until I saw her tapping out too. The organizer was much more brutal to her puppy than we were combined as she kicked him sternly with her combat boots in the back of his ass. She kneed him in his sides and sat on his neck. It was fascinating to witness, and partake, in a literal attempt to physically break someone down. Shortly thereafter, while I was regrouping to play with Locs I heard the puppy give out his first yelp--- it had only taken 45 minutes, three domes with instruments of pain, and a pair of heavy soled combat boots. I was impressed.

I proceeded to play with Locs, first making him strip into a pair of undies of my choosing then to the shibari. I tied him up in a futomomo tie restricting his legs and then tied his hands together in a simple cuff. He wasn't moving and that's the way I wanted it while I prickled his nipples with the Wartenburg wheel, slapped his face and dug my freshly done nails into his chest and stomach. I really am hands on. Some lip biting occurred and this went on for a bit until I felt he had enough, as he cried out into the air of the dungeon for mercy. I kissed him, untied him and got called over to a group of folks with some questions about shibari, and then to a table of other females complimenting me and then to someone asking to be tied their first time by me. I floated around the dungeon caught up in the social chaos and completely forgot about Locs after he had finished cleaning up. We stayed late laughing and exchanging info with new ministers and then drove the lengthy drive back.

It wasn't until later that night as we were crawling into bed I remembered something: I had forgotten to give him aftercare.

I mentally kicked myself for being so high up on my horse that I literally was not practicing what I was preaching. For me aftercare was the signal of the end of play. I had been an aftercare master in my day always sensing just what was needed of someone and providing. Yet, that night I had not given it a second thought. I apologized to Locs but he had said it was fine, he understood and he hadn't held it against me but it got me thinking about what aftercare means to everyone. When I was a sub I would have been very upset if my dominant had forgotten aftercare, especially if it was to go chat with others but to him it wasn't something he needed every time, so he says but I suspect differently.

I looked in my play bag and saw my aftercare package of Starburst candies, a bottle of water and a cashmere fluff and wondered what aftercare meant to everyone else. Clearly not everyone needs it but how many of us want it?

What does aftercare mean to you and how important is in play? What about with someone you're comfortable playing with does it change then?

Second chances

In the beginning when I went on a blog hiatus six months ago I felt fevered. I needed to get back to my roots in kink and delve deeper than I ever had before. I needed to feel that unbridled desire again.

"Am I hurting you pet?" I asked my fresh faced submissive.

"No Miss," he replied after a moment.

I smiled and carried on positioning myself so that I could see what I was doing.

We had been in the dungeon for nearly 3 hours now and had been playing constantly. I whipped him for not responding fast enough in the first hour, made him clean my boots with just his pathetic tongue in the second hour and was rounding the third hour out with some good ol' fashion CBT.

He was taking everything like a champ and I cared neither here nor there if he had a safeword and what it may have been.

I wrapped the fishing wire tighter around his cock which I had ordered to rise and it did on command. He said the blood was starting to be restricted and it was turning colors but I saw nothing---so I continued on.

I dug my nails deeply into his shaft until it started to bulge and then trickle blood down hand and onto the floor.

A slight whimper was all he emitted and he asked for more.

"Please Miss, your pet has given you its cock use it as you wish," he said in one breath.

Use it as I wished?

I was doing exactly that. I caught some of his cock blood with my hand and cupped it to his mouth smearing it all over his face. He lapped it up happily. Pathetic.

I reached for my just polished wooden paddle with the sharp nails on one side and whacked his dick slow but hard. I was hoping to drag it slowly off his cock but it kept catching on his skin so I just ended up whacking it.

If he cried I hadn't heard. If he shuddered I didn't see it. He stood like a bloody soldier taking my beating as long as I wanted to dish it out.

My other sub-in-training came over to me and peered over my shoulder.

"Ahh you're at the dungeon again?" he absentmindedly said as he watched my computer screen.

I nodded.

"Yeah I'm giving this guy one hell of a beating because I'm bored." I said all the while still clacking on the keyboard and beating his cock raw.

"Well you have been playing Second Life every night for about 3 months now, I imagine you're ready for something new," my real life sub said.

And I was ready for something new, hence the reason I even joined Second Life in the first place. I had heard tales of crazy things happening on the virtual platform and wanted to see for myself.

If you're unfamiliar with Second Life, it is an online virtual world where you can be anyone and anything from a newborn baby to a robot all between socializing and interacting with other people from around the world. It's a little more in depth than a chat room for the lifestyle because it has visuals, you can make an kind of character (and roleplay) you want and use that in the virtual world.

I had intially made a good girl---I was going to turn her into a model and spend my days on the beach hanging out but somehow I had found the BDSM side of Second Life filled with dungeons and no limit subs and I hadn't looked back.

That was 3 months ago and I learned a lot about myself and my imagination. I even found some new kinks that I hadn't explored in RL because they didn't appeal to me or they were too hard to negotiate in real life. It was refreshing and an eye opener to me.

I haven't played much since as I've decided to take what I discovered and apply that to real life with my real sub-in-training and go from there. The most important thing I discovered was myself again and my need to have kink in my life.

This was the second chance I needed for a new perspective on BDSM.

It ain't easy being kinky

It's been almost two months since my last update. There are several reasons for this but mainly it's a deeply personal issue of a mid-kink identity crisis and I haven't figured out how to share it with you guys until today.

I've come to notice it's not as easy as, "I think therefore I am" within the kink community or kinky mindset. Over the years I've evolved into my own image of what I want to embody as kink. There are certain activities I won't engage in and others I see so mildly tame, I hardly register them as kinky anymore. But that's really not the issue. 

The issue has always been "Who am I?"

When I first started kink I heard I was too inexperienced to participate in some parties.

And after a few years of play under my belt I wanted to hang out with other dommes but I got told I was too young to be apart of their club.

Then when I wanted to start my own site it was mentioned that I was too tame compared to other dommes. 

I am kinky. I am geeky. I am plus size. I am brown. I am friendly. I am bitchy. I am dominant.

I am all these things and more. Some of them will show when I am playing with others, some will not and that's okay. So often I feel like the community has a mental checklist of what they think others need to exhibit to be called XYZ but in reality it doesn't matter what you think about them. All that matters is what they think of themselves. 

I've been entirely too introspective lately to really enjoy the fact that I've found someone who is willing to share all things kink with me. I don't have a "kink family" and I doubt I ever will but it would be nice to have some kinky friends who aren't so wrongly-righteously judgemental against others and are comfortable being themselves, even if it doesn't fit into nice little checkboxes.

This is why I will no longer be going by Mistress L. I no longer feel like I identify with this name and there isn't much attachment left to it. When I started out in the scene I thought I "needed" to have a tough/Mistressy/dominant sounding name. I settled on Miss L and went from there. This is not how I feel anymore. When I am ready to share my newly discovered nomenclature I will be sure to do it here first :)