I make the rules

After my last entry I took some time with the boy to talk about where we were going and where we had been with our kinky interactions for the past couple of years. If I was being honest with myself I expected a certain level of protocol and discipline that I knew he wasn't delivering and wasn't entirely sure he was capable of achieving. It wasn't necessarily all his fault. In my mind these attributes either came easily or took a lot of work to maintain and we both hadn’t been up to the task. I also had to admit my desires at their core had shifted and the things I once held in such high regard of what I wanted as a Mistress didn't seem so dire anymore.

What was the solution?

He suggested adjusting things and trying again, putting in more effort, more rules, and stricter protocols. I grew tired at just the thought of increasing the intensity of our intentions. Maybe that was our problem; we were trying to do too much. After much re-evaluation I decided it was time for a change. But what change would allow me to keep him in his submissive nature and myself calling the shots without a load of stress? I knew just the thing. A Female Led Relationship was more up our alley and fit perfectly into our lifestyle and way of thinking. I was never one for being the mean Mistress, I've always felt more comfortable being the Queen of my castle.

What is FLR? 

To me it as a relationship where the power dynamic has been reversed leaving the female in charge. The male half of this relationship conforms, obeys, and complies with any desires and needs without objection. In essence he has given her control over most, if not all, of their relationship and the decisions to be made. She knows best and he knows that.

I explained to Locs what I had in mind and I immediately implemented changes and dropped cumbersome rules I had been mistakenly holding on to. And for the first time in a year I felt, dare I say, more like my old kinky self than I had in a while.

In my mind I wanted my sub to act like this, say these things, and remember those things. When I stopped thinking of him exclusively as submissive I had to train and more like follower of my beliefs something clicked. I began to appreciate and hone in on the areas that I liked about our kinky time and not stress about the things I didn’t.

For us this has come a lot more naturally. There aren't a lot of rules, protocols, or expectations since the only rule generally is to follow my lead and instruction. Currently this has taken the form of me deciding what Locs gets to wear, what television shows we watch, what he eats, when he exercises, when chores get done and so forth. I mentally make notes of infractions I find annoying throughout the week like when he forgets a task I've given him, when he back talks or gets Sammie, etc and then I punish him each week. Sometimes he’s lucky enough to be rewarded if he has been particularly good but it’s never guaranteed.

How is this different than us being traditional Mistress and sub? 

It’s not very far off as I believe a plethora of D/s play is intertwined. For me it was a mental switch and one that has been reflected more physically that we don't have “sessions” anymore. We are always in our roles. He doesn't just put on his collar when we are about to “play” or go to a party, he wears it 24/7 now. On the flip side all of the D/s things we enjoy are still there: spankings, rope, CBT, tease and denial and all the things in between. The subtleties we express each day are much more magnified and simply put; we are in a state of being instead of doing. It’s hard for me to put such a feeling of contentment into words.  

It feels like I have finally put the Mistress into all things mundane.

Building blocks of trust

The boy has asked for more D/s in his life. 

I've been cautiously giving him a little taste here and there hoping to tide him over until I decide if he's ready for a full course meal. He has now told me he is hungry and he has a craving. 

Externally he can handle nearly everything I want to give him. He's taken the face slapping, ball punching, dick whipping, breath play, and domineering attitude with more stride than I thought he would.

It's the internal things that worry me. The things I can't see. No, I'm not talking about any possible internal harm to vitals I could do...it's those emotional ties. The internal struggle of how to let go of the decisions and power over himself that he is so use to having. The feeling that when I tell him he is worthless to me unless on his knees starts to creep into his insecure crevices.

He hasn't had me fully unleash my psychological domination on him and I have been holding back. I've allowed him to eat what he wants, wear what he desires, watch the things he enjoys, and most of all sit where he pleases. These will all change if he is to fully submit control to me.

One independent building block at a time I will knock them down...

30 Days of Kink (Pt. 5)

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?
I'm relatively open about who I am and what I do in general. I don't hide my kink but I don't advertise it either. I make it a point to not be "ashamed" of it. For me it's a natural part of my sexuality. I find vanilla couples make jokes about their sex life openly and when the opportunity arises if I want to make a kink-sex joke I do with no regrets. Many of my friends know that I am kinky and if they don't, they most likely wouldn't be surprised if they found out. As for family, I don't discuss my sex life at all with them...vanilla or otherwise, but again if they openly asked, I would openly answer.

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?
In an entry a while back I shared a story about a couple that has been involved with BDSM solely thru web for nearly 10 years. For me, that would never cut it. I don't mind online BDSM play if it's to tie me over in between real time meets, or before I meet someone. However, online play as only option? I would never do that. For me BDSM weighs heavily on my senses. I love the smell of leather, the whimper of a submissive tied up, the feel of someone's hair as I grab it, the taste of salty skin when I sink my teeth into ones thigh...I'm sure online BDSM play works for some, just not for me. 

Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?
This is something I am ever aware of since I am in a relationship with a vanilla person. I am naturally dominant so that I cannot suppress---I don't even try anymore haha but my actions I try to take into consideration. I sometimes playfully bite or spank my vanilla partner. I like these things but I know that they are tied to BDSM for me, when I have a kinky partner, these are things that I do at my will and with much more force. So when I exhibit these actions with my bf I have to be careful not to be too forceful.

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play?  What significance does your attire have to you?
I don't have a specific way of dressing. I usually dress however I feel. I love breaking the stereotype of dominant woman in leather and high heels by wearing a low-cut shirt and jeans and being extra dominant. My attire doesn't really hold much significance for my BDSM play unless I'm going out to a fetish club or themed play party.

Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)?  What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?
I usually go by Mistress/Miss L and that's how I introduce myself. I've found the longer a submissive goes without calling me by my first name the more control I feel. I give my submissives pet names as well sometimes or if they have a nickname that people normally call them by such as "Bill" for "William" I always refer to them as their full name (William), to show that I am not in the same category as others. I think titles can be fun and also triggers. For me it helps solidify statuses.  

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about. 
I'll share a kinky joke I heard one time: A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.

"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she said.

"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man. "She told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"

The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex. When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable."

She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix outfit. However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.

"What happened?" she said. "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"

He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I'm done."


My 30 Days of Kink are done but that doesn't mean you can't do your own. Enjoy the questions here!

30 Days of Kink (Pt. 4)

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves?
My main peeve is when people take themselves too seriously in my opinion. A shining example of that is the slahes of Y/your, Dom/me, etc and the self capitalization and de-capitalization of things such as My, Her, Him, Dominant, etc. It just makes me think they are trying too hard or being really anal.

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? 
Kink has made me less judgmental. I was fairly open-minded before but I feel now I've taken that to another level. I try not to look down on someone's kink if I don't understand it. Instead I try to learn about it as a concept and if I don't want to then I don't let what they do bother me. 

Day 20:  Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.
Haha I swear I don't read these questions before I sit down and answer them. Hmm, something I don't understand is toilet or scat play. It's messy, it has an odor, and it seems generally unsanitary...how can that be arousing for anyone--did I mention it's the stuff that someone else's own body doesn't want?  

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)
Of all the books I've read and own I find "Erotic Slavehood" by Miss Christina Abernathy to have an array of information. It's a great training manual and general book to help subs/slaves alike hone in on their submissive natures and fine tune their skills. If you are curious about whether or not you are submissive, this would be a good book to see what that might entail. I'm particularly fond of the things she believes a good D/s relationship should include. 

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy?  How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?
I feel as if trust (and truthfulness) is even more important in a BDSM relationship than in a vanilla one. That's not to say it's okay to lie in a vanilla relationship. I just feel that with BDSM it takes a lot of trust to let your guard down enough to do or have things done to you personally. There's lots of people who trust me but would they agree to have me tie them up and have my way with them? That's debatable.  

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?
Certainly! I came into BDSM not knowing what to expect but as with many people keeping a mental tally of all the things I wasn't into and didn't want to try. As time went on I noticed that not only had I tried some of those things....I also enjoyed them! I've made it a point to not say I'll never try something, instead I say I'm not interested in trying that "right now" because who knows how I'll feel in a year or five?

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?
I'm assuming this meant for a kinky partner.  If that is the case I find that my most successful partners have been those that are as patient with me as I am with them, open-minded but not mindless, devoted, and most of all friendly. If I feel like I am developing a friendship with my submissive I begin to feel as if our possibilities for new things are endless.

My 30 days are almost over but if you want to start your own, check it out here, it's fun!

30 Days of Kink (Pt. 3)

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had.  If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.
One of the first play parties I attended was a highly private event. It was by invite only and I wanted to impress everyone there (especially the hostess). I was particularly excited about this party because it was a "Masquerade" type of party, which appeals to my inner costume fetish. I had a submissive boy toy who was known for his "skills downtown". For me this is a curiosity because I am very strict in how I receive that kind of pleasure...the catch is I am highly ticklish in my vagina if it's not done with brain surgeon precision. So, while at the party to show off (hey, I was young and wanted to appear in control) I asked him to live up to his reputation. Literally five seconds after he began I felt this swell of laughter bubble up inside me. I tried to contain it but once I get started I can't stop. In the middle of this "classy" event with half the people in mask who were twice my age I burst into uncontrollable laughter. I couldn't stop for a good five minutes. Some people in the area still talk about that night.

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you?  Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?
For me the appeal lies in how direct and natural it is. We feel these desires, we want these sensations, we crave our fetishes...it's our nature. The appeal is the freedom it presents in its second-natureness. If we are honest with ourselves and we allow ourselves to just "be" we truly understand what's at our core. 

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink?
I see this all the time...submissive men who come to me and either a) they're afraid to meet me in a public setting because they think I will come in full latex and six inch heels or b) they are upset when they do meet me in private and I'm not wearing full latex and six inch heels. It's a no win situation sometimes with the people who are wrapped up in their own fantasies. I'm not a Pro-Domme, this a lifestyle not my life. In my opinion anytime you actually take part in a BDSM activity it stops being a fantasy and starts being a reality. I think kinky participants are usually undetectable vanillas in most settings.

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.
I've been interested in the usage of a vacuum bed. This is a device where a person is placed in a latex envelope and then all of the air is removed creating an outline of said person, leaving only a small space for an air tube. This device can't be used alone and just screams EROTIC!

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?
There's two things: One, is that I feel more sexually satisfied when kink is involved. I can be sexually satisfied...the keyword is I am more satisfied with it. For that I feel it's unfair to not alert my vanilla sexual partners that I am interested in kink. The other thing that's difficult for me is the general populace thinks what I enjoy is "taboo". I strongly believe that what someone chooses to do in the privacy of their bedroom is their business. Period. Who are we to judge?

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?
We are not freaks and not all of us have underlying emotional issues that make us "damaged". Contrary to popular belief.

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves?  If so, what are they?
Most of peeves have to do with the BDSM community. It's just people being people but usually we are the ones with the power to taint things. Sometimes I feel the people within the scene make BDSM more complicated and/or unappealing than it needs to be.

And if you'd like to complete the 30 Days of Kink as well you can participate by getting the info here. 

30 Days of Kink (Pt. 2)

Day 5. What was your first kinky sexual experience?
Hmm...I would have to say it back in my teens. My senior year of high school I had interesting companionship with an older man. He was the first person I tied up. We were at his place when I teased him saying that he had been naughty (I can't remember why now) but it ended with me tying him with his own tie to a chair and essentially teasing him for a bit.

Day 6. Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy. 
I have a few things I want to try that I'd consider weird but my most recent one has been on human doll play. I find it highly erotic to think about completely controlling someone for a day from morning to night. What appeals to me even further is that I want a human doll who can only say a few phrases all day (like the dolls with pull strings) and that essentially whatever I make them do goes. I saw a special about men and love dolls...which are great if you're into that but I think the actual human doll play pushes that up to another level. 

Day 7. What's your favorite toy? 
My favorite toy I no longer have, I've yet to replace it. But it use to be my pair of vampire gloves. They are gloves that have short, tiny spikes on the palm of them. The sensation play with these are amazing! Not to mention you can create a light prick or really give your partner something to yell about if you apply more pressure.

Day 8. Post a kinky image you find erotic.

This image really speaks to me as I often parade around the house bottomless. And when I do have a submissive doing things for me, I like to grope, fondle, and just generally let it be known that their body belongs to me when in my presence.

Day 9. Post a kink related song or music image you enjoy.

I often can be found blasting Lady Gaga's song "I Like It Rough", I love the lines:

"I'm shiny and I know it

Don't know why you want to blow it

Need a man who likes it rough

Likes it rough, likes it rough"

Even though the song isn't about anything kink, I found those lyrics to fit when I need them.

Day 10. What are your hard limits? 

Mine are the usual, no water sports, scat, children, blood, infidelity. Those things I cannot compromise on.

Day 11. What are your views on the ethics of kink?

For me I believe as long as things are safe, sane, and consensual and no one is getting emotionally or mentally scarred then who am I to judge? BDSM relationships and interests are no different than vanilla relationships and interests--they are complicated and unique in their own right. If it works for the individual(s) involved then I don't see any harm.

Remember if you want to participate in your own 30 Days of Kink, follow this link!

30 Days of Kink

This month I'd like to reflect on my inner kink. I've seen this floating around the web for some time now and decided to pitch in. I'll be doing mine in weekly installments. If you want to participate or see where I got the idea, check it out over here.

So here are my 30 Days of Kink

Day 1. Dom, sub, switch? What part of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.
I always struggle when I have to define myself in terms of my kinky self. I am a dominant woman overall. I am still myself but I take all the attributes that normally are seen as negative within a woman and use them to my advantage and will. Instead of headstrong, confident, opinionated, decisive being flaws, I turn them into the very things other desire to have.

Day 2. List your kinks 
Seriously? Oh I have way too many to name but a few of my favorite are spanking, queening, chastity, light humiliation, discrete public play, mind control, sensory restrictions, puppy play, begging, tease & denial, light bondage, breath play, mummification, scratching, mild pain, body & foot worship, and of course collars and leashes.

Day 3. How did you discover you were kinky? 
For me it wasn't as if a light bulb went off. I've always known that my sexual interests were a bit unconventional, not even extreme but for me the typical relationship and sexual encounter never left me completely satisfied. The older I got the less I fought against it. Once I realized there were other people with the same interests I was delighted to have found a place where I wasn't frowned upon but rather understood and if not, tried to be understood. It's nice not to be judged.

Day 4. Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks? 
Certainly. I have always been drawn to rather submissive guys now that I look back. Dominant men and myself have had our fun but it was intense and felt like more of a power struggle. I am a total alpha woman, when a man questions me I feel the need to flex my breasts and show that I have just as much authority as he does with his penis. My vanilla relationships with dominant men have always ended rather dramatically and our time together was usually tumultuous.  

Innocent until proven kinky

I've often noted that many woman get away with what I deem too much, or in actuality not enough at all and men still put up with it. I know countless women who withhold sex until they get their way (usually over something trivial), only perform blowjobs on "special occasions", shutter at the mere thought of anal sex, and would be mortified to have sex with more than a night light on.

So it shouldn't surprise when I receive text like the one I did yesterday that read: "Damn, I just had the most amazing thought of watching you enjoying yourself with another man."

To me, this is a compliment. The particular gentleman who texted me has in fact watched me have sex with another man of his choosing three times. He himself is criminally good-looking but we've never done more than make-out. He's often told me how he thinks I'm a rare gem of women who actually enjoys sex. Yes, there are women out there who aren't afraid of their bodies or the sounds they make...we really are just participating to have fun.

Often times women like us get reputations or the ill-fitting labels of being "easy", "slutty" or "flirts", which to me just says "I'm insecure so I'm picking on you." But if you are a woman who enjoys sex: Do you feel the pressure I sometimes feel? The pressure of always being on? Once a guy realizes that you enjoy yourself sexually, it's almost like a contest for him to see just how much he can get out of you, how much do you really enjoy? If you turn him down then it's thrown in your face or you get goaded to react how you usually might.

It got me thinking...why do the "innocent" girls get to slack off and still get the same benefits as I do when with a guy? I haven't found that men are nicer, more sweet, more helpful, thoughtful, or any of the in between just because I like to fuck. So why even go through the extra effort?

This all brings me to my current situation: I met a guy online. I actually was getting a bit tired of the results I've gotten with my search for a sub so decided to switch gears. I placed an ad on Craigslist for another partner (since my relationship is open) but amusingly didn't get any responses...not one! I also wrote a few guys...none of them actually stated they were into open relationships, I was just putting out the net. One guy wrote me back. We began emailing, then switched over to chatting, and then web-cam. I decided early on I'd play more into the innocent stereotype than my usual sexually forward self. I by no means was lying about my personality, I just tried to stay away from sexual topics and any admissions that might give him the impression that I was a bit more naughty than average. He's military and away at the moment but will be returning in a few weeks so we've been taking this time to get to know one another before meeting.

Everything was going well...he was perfectly okay with my open relationship, he seems to have a good head on his shoulders, he's funny and most importantly he's good with communication. I was completely thrown for a loop when during our one of our nightly Q&As he mentioned that he was into "kinky" sex. I tried to brush it off but we ended up discussing it further where he said, he was curious about BDSM and the submissive side of things. I asked if he had any experience with it and he said no, just a curiousity.

A few days later I was checking my calendar and saw that there was a dungeon event coming up at a local club. I was debating on whether to go when I receive an IM from said guy telling me to check out this link...a link to the very same local BDSM club on my calendar! I didn't let him know of course but it was strange. What are the odds that I interact with a guy who has the good qualities I seek and interest in BDSM?

I don't plan on keeping this facade of innocence up for long because I do want him to know the true me and let's be honest...kinky girls have all the fun!

My sexual pickles & ice cream

I'm climbing the walls with an over 6 month dry spanking spell on my theoretical heels. This may seem unusual or very usual if I'm picky as I am as of late. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too narrow-visioned.

When I actually sit and think about what I want in my next dominant-submissive relationship I either draw a blank or too many things come to mind that don't seem feasible.

So, my horniness this weekend led me to message a sub I use to play with on a weekly basis: quiet sub. He and I haven't done anything in a year but we have kept in touch. Before I could even ask him about meeting up soon he beat me to it. It's always nice to have an eager sub wanting to see you, especially him with his ever submissive gaze!

We had pretty good understanding and general routine whenever he visited. We'd hang out for a bit (eat dinner, watch a movie, etc) then have a shot or two of alcohol (he has a bit of anxiety I believe so this helped him relax) and then start in on our playing for a few hours or so. When we were done sometimes we'd talk about the session sometimes we'd talk about random stuff, then he'd be on his way.

We'll see if I can wait long enough to see him or if I'll hit up a club in the meantime for some action or maybe just a munch will take my mind off it.

But, I cannot put into words how badly I want to feel someone's skin in my hand as I spank them, or how much I would love to spit in a sub's mouth. I just get cravings for certain acts and there is no real way to squelch them unless I obey them.

Makes me wonder if I am a submissive to my own needs sometimes...

Wearing the fishnet pants...

People often ask me as a Mistress what puts me in the mood and what my personal style for playing/doing a scene is.

As for what gets me in the mood...that's easy, a very submissive male. A good sub who says all the right things can have me thinking of him for days. Just hearing something along the lines of; You own me, I am yours, Anything you wish, it all pleases me. I am also a very visual person (perhaps this is where my Photography passion is fueled from) but if I lay down and imagine the things I am going to do to a sub, this is a sure-fire way to keep me in a highly sexual and Mistressy mood.

Anything that involves collars, leashes, restrictive wear (think CB, blindfold, cuffs, etc), whips, and kneeling is definitely up my alley. As much as BDSM is mental, I love the physical reflection of that inner feeling.

For anyone who has had the pleasure of serving me, they may know that I can be a strict Miss. I love what I've dubbed as the three Rs: Routine, Ritual, and Rules. Not only does getting to dictate the things one needs to do upon entering my house make me feel powerful, I also like to know my subs are paying attention and respecting me by remembering the things I have told them.

I try not to go extreme with the protocols (because I could!), but I write lists, require assignments at time, like to decide when my subs may enjoy physical release, and even like forms of playful submissiveness in public. But most of all, I think I enjoy thinking up punishments! Along with my rituals and routines comes punishment if you foul up...and with so many little things to remember, it's almost a catch-22 that my sub will. Did I mention I can be a bit devious at times?

There are the few subs who after a few punishments make it their number one priority to impress me and complete tasks without any errors...and they are rewarded accordingly.

I like to think that I am as playful as I am strict and all in all, but subs that can follow my lead and play along are the best!

MonoPoly: Passing Go or Straight To Jail?

A lot of people are curious about my relationship status and how I maintain in general the relationships I am involved in. I've found that "MonoPoly" is a new buzz word that's been making it's way around the scene. After learning a bit more about it I suppose my lifestyle would fit into its category.

Currently I am in a MonoPoly relationship (which is not exclusive to BDSM). Meaning I have been fortunate enough to find a partner who understands my desire to include BDSM in my life, even if they do not necessarily share it. Therefore with his complete vanilla-ness and my extracurricular activities, I am openly poly with the people I choose to play with within the BDSM realm and he is mono because he is only is sexual with me. This is all with his consent as we have agreed on this as a couple. To be fair, he also has the option of obtaining another partner for play or whatever he chooses outside of myself, but that just really isn't his thing; though sometimes I wish it was.

This lifestyle isn't for everyone. There are many issues that are destructing factors including but not limited to honesty, trust, and boundaries. We spent many a night in the beginning discussing what we were comfortable with but most importantly we agreed to always talk to one another, about everything. Any questions, mixed feelings, thoughts, or fears, we'd keep an open ear and strive to never get angry at one another. So far, these tactics have worked for us. But each relationship is like a fingerprint in its uniqueness. It needs to be customized to what you and your partner are comfortable with. If you are thinking of becoming Poly I think it's important to ask yourself these three questions, as your partner will probably be wondering the same:

1. Why do you want to become Poly?

2. What will this improve? What could this hinder?

3. Will you still be happy if you cannot be in a Poly relationship?

Make sure you have more than a regurgitated answer that you've seen somewhere on a forum. Really, ask yourself these questions. This is a entirely different relationship dynamic that could prove to be truly uplifting or horribly home-wrecking for your relationship, not an imaginary one. There are real emotions and another person involved with your decision and if you can't answer these questions you probably shouldn't bring it up with your partner until you can. Once you can answer the questions, know that it might not be an easy road. But, anything worth having isn't easy, so if it's really important to you then be willing to put in the work to make it work.

I am lucky that I have found someone so open-minded and accepting who understands this is me. I am Poly, I am kinky, I am a Mistress. And even if we don't share all the same sexual desires, we do desire each other and that's what matters most.