From fag hag to mound muncher?

Bisexuality is not a bad word.

To clarify, no one has told me that it was...it's just that up until recently I have done all but point my finger at and laugh in the face of individuals who claim to be "bisexual". This is not because I don't respect their sexual orientation, it's merely because what they call bisexual, I call greedy.

To me personally, bisexuality has always been a fence sitter, cake eating, cop-out for having to decide if you like the box or the key better. It also heavily challenges my mentality that you always feel one way or another; I greatly loathe indifference.

I have designated myself a tri-sexual (in the words of Samantha), I'll try anything once. My orientation has always been straight, with a drunken tendency to let my cute female friends make-out with me on occasion. Then a few weeks ago I had a woman checking me out at the bookstore. I was in the sex and relationship isle (who would've guessed), and she kept peeking over me at over her book.

I couldn't help but notice so I said to her jokingly, "Yes, they're real."

She blushed and said she wasn't staring at my breasts she thought I looked cute and wondered what team I was playing for.

I told her without hesitation, "Honey I am strictly dickly, sorry." At which point she apologized and went back to her book.

And that was that. Which was comforting because with guys, it's usually more a debate. You reject them in their fragile state of trying to hit on you and you've bruised their little egos. And now it's all damn you to hell while they try to reconstruct it. Her easy acceptance was much more appreciated.

Then just last week I had a very vivid dream where I was participating in a three-way with two other women. This was odd to me as I have never engaged in what I would relay as sexual relations with a woman, or two for that matter. I've had a female slave before but she was very service-oriented and I mainly stuck above the waist with her and made my other male slave do all the hard work. Why had I dreamed that?

But, even the dream interpretation book wasn't all that conclusive, it just stated that I was comfortable with my sexuality, blah, blah. Which has me seriously asking myself...what does all this girl-on-girl action really mean?

Put on a happy face...

I received the CB-6000 I ordered a while ago.

What's a cock cage without a cock?

I was really happy to have it but quickly realized that I didn't have anyone to cage up. No one to train, spank, tease and then so skillfully deny.

It's been about 10-15 days now without my former slave fully. Things are getting better but I am still having the bad dreams where I wake up calling his name apparently and not eating much. I feel like the least powerful Mistress there ever was right now. I'm usually good at getting over stuff and try, try, trying again but this feels slightly different. This was honestly my first try with a lot of things that I might have to rethink. I did things differently than I have the past 6 years.

It was my first time...

-Qusai dating my slave; or at least not being exclusive with him

-Having a boyfriend and a slave at the same time

-Not discussing the "dating/courting" period with my slave

-Picking a slave that I was both very physically and mentally attracted to

-Owning a slave younger than myself

-Taking a slave that had little to no extended experience with serving

-Training in sessions rather than as-we-go-along training

I might have to go back to the drawing board on this one to figure out what works for me. Obviously what's worked before was not what I was seeking or else I wouldn't have tweaked what I sought.

My friends are very eager to get me out of my sullen mood and back into the swing of things but I'm going to have to do that at my own pace. It's only been 2 weeks but that wound is still relatively new. I understand they just want to see me happy and I suppose I will find that in my own time. I've been running thru my mind over and over again just realizing what mistakes were made this time around and even though I know they cannot be undone I'd at least like to learn from them. 

In short I suppose what I am looking for in my next slave endeavor is:

-A person who won't mind a poly relationship/play (should I choose to engage in one)

-Someone to be honest with, I must know they will be reasonable and rational with me

-A slave with more experience (real-time experience is a must)

-A common bond that will allow us to respect each other at all times

-Someone I will appreciate fully (both on and offline)

-A very open-minded individual with whom I can explore and experience new fetishes

-Someone who can communicate on all levels, vanilla and non-vanilla

-Someone who realizes our BDSM relationship may not always be fair but it will always be respected

I'm going to strive to build a better foundation on the next BDSM relationship I enter into. I will make sure to be open, honest, and forthcoming with my dealings.

So maybe lucky number 10?

Could this be?

Today officially signifies the first day of my decision.

Yes, I have chosen a slave to consider training and beyond.

After months and months of looking I am glad that I have waited and was not swayed by empty promises, pretty faces, nice cars, or misguided servitude. Many things were considered in choosing my slave:

• Stats (age, height, appearance)
• Willingness
• Obedience
• Potential
• ...and most of all Desire (mine and the slave's)

I am confident that my new slave will not displease me. He was happier than I imagined he would be when I offered him the task and that in return made me happy!

He has the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen, a cute but mischievous smile, and he follows instructions with vigor. Maybe Collarme isn't such a bad site after all.

....good things await us.

And I was smiled upon...

I was beginning to think that I might have picked the wrong fetish to pursue...

My less than enthusiastic dealings with many of the men who have messaged me on Collarme was starting to take a toll on my optimistic outlook.

But then I discovered something....
The Video Chatrooms =)

I have found a great new past-time and and even better way to communicate with people (especially if locally) rather than sending random messages back and forth. I have met a lot of fun people who are interesting and cute too!

Then something even better happened...
I met someone tonight from the site.

He was exactly as he said he was (for once), and possibly more. He's very sweet, has his heart in the right place and more importantly he is very willing to serve this Mistress in any way I see fit. As much as that turns me on I am just excited nonetheless to have found someone who wasn't:

A) In another country
B) Over 35
C) Unattractive
D) Married
E) All of the above

I spoke with the bf tonight about it, before I meet with my potential slave, and he still stands by his decision that he is "okay" with anything I do in this realm. I'm very surprised because even though he, himself, is submissive in nature I thought he wouldn't agree to me having a slave or sub. But, alas he has been very supportive in his adventures into the BDSM world with me. I know he doesn't quite understand it and doesn't participate in it, but the fact that he lets me (well let's be honest no man lets me do anything!) practice and he's accepting of it and that's what really counts.

I will sleep easy tonight knowing that Friday I will see my potential slave again...

Submissive enough?

In my search for a submissive, I have found one.

Somehow, that search has ended and sparked a search for something more...possibly a slave.

Don't get me wrong, my quiet sub is okay.
He's just not great.
He doesn't make me feel alive the way I did before.

This may not be entirely his fault but as my sub I expect him to strive to please me.

Instead he strives to be compliant. He doesn't seem to have anything that gets him going, he just follows suit with me. Also since he is a sub and not a slave, we don't always engage in D/s activities. Sometimes we watch tv, eat dinner, drink, smoke, basically anything but the good stuff (i.e. spanking, handcuffing, gagging, etc).

I understand, I'm the Dominant one here, it's my ballgame, I run the show. I would feel much more inclined if he were more open about things. He seems to be insanely shy (he won't watch movies that embarrass the main character because it affects him), he's pretty quiet, and, his penis hates condoms...every time I get the two of them together one shrinks down in disobedience...guess which one?

And he seems to want to have sex a lot more than he wants to be submissive. I often find him topping from the bottom and being quite forceful with his intentions. I have rebuffed him numerous times but my tactics are weakening and soon I may have to get bitchy. I suppose it is partly my fault for getting tipsy as well a few times and going along with sex.

But, it is here I have found desiring all the things I miss in a slave. In what my sub lacks I long for in someone who will hand it over readily.

Perhaps it is time to delve deeper into the rabbit hole once again...

Slave, Subs, Tops, Bottoms, oh my!

I was having a very heated debate online today (and yes, I know arguing on the internet is like running in the Special Olympics...) but sometimes I like to get my blood boiling.

Today was a just a mild disagreement, no harm was done =). But an ignorance just on the cusp of the scene was revealed to me. Many people do not know the difference between a sub/submissive and a slave.

Make no mistake there is a difference.

And anyone who has tagged themselves as either will gladly tell you so. As will the Dominants of those. Their relationship is often abbreviated D/s (usually with a lowercase for the submissive to show their role), also described as Tops and bottoms respectively.

So for edification I will give my own definition of the two. This is in no one way the only or correct definition, it is merely defined from my perspective:

Sub/Submissive/Bottom

Usually used to designate a person who is passive. They are usually on the receiving end of the relationship. They are obedient to an extent. They usually explain their limits to their Dominants (who respect them) and their role is merely a session for them. Once they are not in session (an increment of time spent with the Dominant) then they go about their day-to-day lives as normal. The time with the Dominant is commonly referred to as "play". They have a wide range of free will and usually only do tasks that they are comfortable with or have requested.

Slave

This is usually assigned to someone with a more intense acting-out of being a submissive. For them being a slave is not just "play" but more so a lifestyle. Their attitude or reactions to certain situations don't reflect being in the presence of the Dominant because they are always in "slave-mode". They usually go as far as being "trained" to please their Dominant, whereas many submissives just follow orders on a session-by-session basis. Slaves don't exhibit free will. They do whatever the Dominant commands (so long as it is not overly harmful)

Switch

I somewhat hate this term and concept but nonetheless it exists. This would be a person a who either a submissive or a Dominant depending on their current mood. It's handy in a large group when you need to even things out but personally I think it's unrealistic and somewhat confusing. Unless of course you pair two switches together, then everything is perfect!

Commonalities

Both slaves and submissives have submissive personalities. They are essentially allowing someone else to have temporary control over them. They both seek for someone to make decisions for them and to command them into various scenarios.

There's your brief lesson for the day readers, now remember this when a girl says she wants to be your slave not your submissive...means you can do more beautifully tragic things to her *evil grin*

Slaving ain't easy...

8 months is a long time for anything to happen.

You can conceive and practically have a child
Take a mini road trip that sweeps you up and you extend your stay
Get over a bad breakout of herpes
Lose 30 lbs
Or even stop talking to your friends and obtain a new circle of people...all within that time frame.

One thing I have found you can not do in 8 months, no matter how hard you try, is to find a slave. Somehow this coveted treasure eludes me.

I don't remember it being this hard on the West Coast to find someone very much in the scene (by scene I refer to the S&M scene) the way I am. And, I don't think I'm that hardcore into the scene. My interests are pretty mild (I think) compared to most *Dommes or Mistresses.

I'm not into:

• Mommy/Child role play
• Crossdressing
• Public humiliation
• Female supremacy
• Fisting
• Pony/Puppy play
• Heavy CBT
• Watersports

I've noticed a lot of Dommes seek to degrade their slaves or submissives, whereas I feel I just want to expose and employ their given nature. I am naturally aggressive and Dominant, therefore I get along better with people who are submissive. People who won't disagree with me or want to stand toe-to-toe all the time (i.e. other Dominant natured people). I like the lighter sides of BDSM and the internal aspects.

I very much enjoy:

• Collars
• Light bondage/Mental bondage
• Exhibitionism
• *Objectification
• Begging
• Blindfolds
• Spanking (I love the sound it makes!)
• Obedience Training

Well I guess the only thing to do is to try different avenues to find the one I seek. Granted I do have a boyfriend now. But, honestly I have been searching for a sub/slave much longer than a boyfriend. I am not sure how my new boyfriend will feel when I do obtain someone to worship the ground I walk on...