The unhappy domme

It's been exactly 110 days since my puppy and I arrived back from the UK and I can't believe time has passed so quickly.

He started his second segment of training a few weeks after arriving and while we started out like a freight train, we're having a little trouble getting over the bumps we've reached. In short, I'm unhappy with our progress.

Taking on a 24/7 role in D/s has been an awakening for me. I'm not ashamed to say I'm guilty of living in a fantasy. I've always dreamed of having a real life, real time dynamic that afforded me to have a willing and obedient individual at my every beck and call. I never thought this would be that dream. I also never thought I wouldn't be enjoying it 100% of the time. In my fantasy I held this submissive captive, locked away from the world until I was ready to use them. They had the cleaning skills of Mr. Clean, the cooking ingenuity of Betty Crocker, and they loved serving endlessly, tirelessly, and without need of any motivation or reward. How very selfish, vacuous and extremely benighted I was.

Being a full time, live-in 24/7 domme is hard. It's like being a motivational speaker for a team who sometimes doesn't realize they have a game. I must always toe the line, put on the brave front and run into battle head held high...at least it feels like that sometimes. Now there are other factors such as having a full time job, an additional poly partner, social engagements and other obligations that obviously bog down my free time and prevent me from being stress-free but at my core I am a dominant. I like being in charge. I like controlling most aspects of my life and having an influential say in the lives around me.

This training program has taught me more about myself than I ever thought it would. Not, that I thought I knew it all, but I thought I had a good grasp on what being a 24/7 D/s couple would entail.

I did not.

I've realized I'm nit-picky and more 'Type A' than I wanted to admit. I don't accept that others do things differently and sometimes less efficiently than I would. I'm confrontational without wanting an argument. I tend to shoulder more responsibility in situations than I reasonably should or have to. I get lost in thought on things I can't change and overanalyze those that I can. I forget to relax when it's time to do so and I shift "me time" around so much Google calendar can't even find it. I'm impatient yet sometimes unwilling to complete a task. I'm an alpha, short fused, stressor who is competitively driven in most aspects. All the warning signs while feverishly writing a 15 week training program start to finish in 12 days should've raised a flag. On paper and in my mind I had training all figured out and didn't plan for any hiccups, bumps, or other inconsistencies.

"Of course it would be perfect" I thought to myself.

But it's not and I have to learn that it's okay. I've been so fixated on my very patient and caring puppy's imperfections that I've been blind to all of my own. I've tried to pass them off as "every dominant wants what they want", which is true but not an excuse for my lack of introspective growth and poor time management.

He is still my boy.
He is still my pet.
He is still my lover.
He is still my everything.

Even if he can't cook all the things I like, clean as spotlessly as I would, kneel for as long as I would like, or take a beating as harsh as I "dreamed' of giving, the effort he puts in to do so means something. I need to make the effort to see devotion and love he shows when they're staring me in the face. The most important lesson I've needed re-iterated through training is that he is a person. He isn't meant to be perfect. But that certainly doesn't mean he isn't good enough to be mine someday.

Beautiful consent

The twilight zone

After my trip to London I feel a bit empty. Aside from my personal issues while there my scene experience was great...too great in fact. It's made me feel as if the scene in this area is not where I belong.

When I was overseas it was like a parallel universe where plus size dominant women were in high demand but low supply. My American accent was charming and an instant conversation starter and any British accents were added bonus points for me. I got to attend three fetish events in the week that I was there and while I didn't get to know "everyone" I felt as if the crowd was much more welcoming than in the Metro DC area, which is a shame...because this is where I live.

I also got to meet with five potential submissives, only one of who I had actually chatted with online. The previous guys all backed out in one form or another---so I guess they have that in common with the American men as well. But the gents I did meet while there were a total delight and needed little to no coaching on my part to be submissive toward me. It was amusing leading one guy around by his belt buckle in the busy streets of London as we did get a few odd looks haha.

I know that I don't go out in the Metro DC scene anymore because it is a bit of a headache with the social politics (two groups are vying for attention and hold their festives on the same night every month), the influx of Pro Dommes at every event trying to drum up business, and the general clique feel of things. It seems to be all in "who you know" and "not what you like" in this area.

I've been dreading admitting this because I'm not sure if it was a mix of the travel bug (i.e. new place = blinders, foreign country, etc) or if it really is as black and white as it appears from my end. I've been back two months now and still, like a steady, annoying, drip from a leaky ceiling the men contacting me here are not within my criteria. The fact that many of them don't take the time to read a few simple words on a profile that states what I'm looking for in bullet format really irks the shit out of me! I find myself more angry at the fact that they blatantly ignore my wishes to write me promising how devotedly submissive they are and how well they follow instructions than the actual messages themselves.

*Sigh*  So the question remains, "Where are all the good male DC submissives?"

Will it bend or break?

More and more it appears that things are not what they have seemed over the past months. My "boyfriend" and I are hardly spending any time together. He states that he just wants to be alone at home. Then he does just that with a nice 12-pack and his laptop. More often than not when I have asked to do something with him or to see him he says he is "tired" or "sleepy". I know what it's like to work long hours on your feet, deal with shitty people all day, and to generally feel drained.

But if this is an everyday occurrence something must be wrong.

I told him last week that I thought he needed a pet fish not a girlfriend, that obviously I was too much for him to deal with at the moment. The tiredness, loneliness, and overall withdraw into himself that I am seeing, all points to mild depression. When I pointed this out he all but shrugged it off and tried to turn the tables on me stating that I wasn't a good girlfriend if I wasn't prepared to stick by him during his tough time.

Sympathy will get you some places. So, I told him if he would seek help for the way he was feeling I might rethink wanting to go our separate ways and he agreed. But, this week when I brought that very same idea up again he said he'd "think about it". Then this week he promised he'd go on his day off and somehow I knew he'd fail to follow thru on that; sadly I was proven right.

I wasn't exactly sure what this meant for us and I don't want him to continue his wallowing in what appears to be self-pity and general sadness. But, I also have to look out for myself. I am unhappy with the way things are and how they are being resolved; which isn't at all.

I have decided to give him space and time but I need to also keep a close watch on my own well-being because as much as I care about him I will not be drug down emotionally. So as it stands now, we are officially "taking a break" and I have no idea what that means for the future but hopefully it was the best decision for the situation.

Know thyself

Life's been busy and honestly I have been trying to put my gripes on the back burner but it has been hard.

In the last entry I received some very thought provoking comments. One in particular from

Ferns really caught my attention. She stated: "Another thought... I see that he said he didn't want 'BDSM' anymore, but did you ever define with him what that meant to him...maybe the submission is too much for him, but the play is not."

I received this message straight to my blackberry at about 3am and I couldn't stop asking myself the same question with hidden hope...perhaps there was something I was missing about his definitive statement.

So I asked him in the middle of another discussion, "When you said you couldn't do BDSM with me anymore did you mean with just me? The bedroom BDSM stuff? Outside of the bedroom stuff or just in general?"

He started shaking his head and said, "No I can't do any of it and it's not just you, I mean ever."

"You even mean the biting, scratching, slapping, pinching...all of that too?" I said in nearly a whisper.

"Yes all of it, I can't do any of it. I'm sorry," he replied.

I was crestfallen all over again. After this talk I haven't been able to get out of my head trying to figure out how a person who begged for my spit in his mouth, my hand across his face, my teeth on his thighs less than 30 days ago could be saying these words? Where did the desire for these go...where did the need go?

With the recent news I've been trying to take my role as a just a girlfriend carefully. I have a naturally dominant personality but I am delicate with how I ask and answer questions. I've also noticed that I am slightly afraid to be myself in a small sense. I have not said when I am unhappy with things inside the bedroom, outside the bedroom, giving my opinions, or taking charge in general. I am fearful that he will interpret any of this as me trying to "sneak BDSM in under the radar".

I don't want to be disrespectful to him but when he told me last week after I did state some minor complaints about this relationship: "This is just me."

I was thinking the same thing...this is just me too.

Side-blinded

For inquiring minds: Did the new bf meet the goal of 26 orgasms in 26 days?

The simple answer is "No". On top of that we didn't even see each other last week.

Last night was the first night we've seen each other since last Monday and I when I got to his place the air was so thick you could cut it with a cheese knife. We had been having some heated discussions via text and over the phone within the week so I expected as much.

What I didn't expect to hear after 45 minutes of arguing was this: "I don't think I can do BDSM with you anymore."

It felt like a Mack truck had just hit me and kept on truckin'! Tears welled in my eyes and I literally choked up. I was speechless. A million questions swirled thru my mind and the ones I could muster out his only parroted response was, "I don't know."

It's bad enough when someone tells you something that feels like you royally messed up but it's another thing entirely when they can't explain it or give you reasons why they feel the way they do.

I'm still in semi-shock and I suppose this means unofficially I am back to the Mundane self, at least as long as I want to be with him and he feels this way...

I'm wondering...

When is enough enough? I literally have a million and one things I should be doing right now but I can't. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking today (surprise surprise) and I've just reached this dead end question. Over the past few weeks my former and I have been "trying" (and failing miserably) to fix our "relationship" (take note readers of all the " " being used here). 

The problem doesn't lie within our ability or inability to faithfully execute what needs to be done but moreso in the things surrounding us. Unfortunately we cannot control outside forces that seem to have these "MONUMENTAL" affects on us. I say that in such a way to reinforce that I do not agree that these things are too big for us to ever get over. I believe often that where there's a will...there's a fucking way.  

But it can't be perfect. You can't get this overly specific, highly detailed reenactment in your mind of the way you want things to play out and then when they don't blow a gasket and say "Fuck it!". *sigh* Life isn't about perfectly planned out scenarios. I believe it was John Lennon who said: "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans."

Yes John, life happens especially when you're busy trying to plan shit out detail-by-detail. Now, when is everyone else going to get the memo?