Loving you makes be a bad Mistress

I've learned I love him too much...if there is such a thing.

When he's around I can't think entirely straight. My heart flip flops, my focus zeros in on him in classic tunnel vision and it's all I can do to keep my wits about me.

Oh I can choke him until he's blue.
Promptly scold him when he's disobedient.
Watch his lips stain with blood after I slap him.
Punish him for indiscretions.
I can even piss on him until he's soppy with every drop of me while I laugh in his face.

But I couldn't send him away.

It was for his own good and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. And in return it's made me feel like the world's worst Mistress.

The one time he really needed my guidance, my firm hand, my dominant mind, and solid direction, I wasn't there for him.

I couldn't be his Mistress.

I got swept up in love.

Normally that wouldn't be said in the tone I'm trying to convey but this time, loving someone too much has made me a bad Mistress. It made me unable to make the most logical, future affecting decision of our entire relationship and as they say, "It's all gone tits up!" and not in a sexy way.

We had a plan.
We deviated from that plan.
That deviation blew up in our faces.

And now for the foreseeable future my puppy can never be called home to be with me, his Mistress.

Even typing the words breaks my heart all over again. We knew it was never going to be easy but everyone in a long distance, international, poly, kink filled relationship knows that. But it's different now. Without rehashing too much of the ordeal puppy and mine's geographical status will continue to contain that great big, beautiful, though time consuming, ocean between us.

"Protect the property at all cost," is what I'm often heard saying during my classes or a scene. But I did just the opposite. And there is absolutely nothing anyone can say to me that will make me think it isn't my fault.

We talk a lot in kink about mentoring and protecting those we play with. When it involves whips, chains, and ball gags that's simple to manage if you're careful.

But what about when you care so selfishly about just having someone as yours and by your side, that you leave them unprotected and vulnerable? What about when know you're doing the wrong thing but you can't help yourself? Or when you justify the consequences of your bad influence in your own mind?

I'll tell you: You put them in a position where outside forces can cause more harm than any your deviant, twisted could ever dream of.

You put them in a position of not having you.

And even worse you put yourself in a position of not having them.

Fuck your community

Seriously.

I'm not trying to be hateful, just honest. I've had the pleasure (mostly) of being able to be a part of local BDSM communities around the world. Some have run like well oiled machines, friendly faces and helping hands all around. Others have been run like the classroom of a preschool teacher's worst nightmare. Who is responsible? No one individual is responsible for their local community, as a whole however, collectively you make an impact in the grand scheme.

Locally my community is broken and that's putting it lightly. It's hemorrhaging and all anyone can do is put a band-aid on the situation. The Washington, DC metro BDSM scene is a complete trainwreck and the participants are bloody survivors just looking and hoping for the rescue team.

Lies.
Deceit.
Greed.
Abuse.
Accusations.

No, I'm not describing the latest season of House of Cards, though they need only to attend a local dungeon to get their fodder. I'm describing what I've witnessed.

I want to say I'm surprised but I'm really not. I came into this area in 2004 and the scene was broken then. Eager to join and do my part I volunteered to no end, promoted events, organized groups but progress never stuck. It's just slowly decayed and festered over time. Now don't get me wrong, there's a nice club or house party here or there but for the most part I feel as if we lack an 'oneness' I've experienced with other local communities. Leaders go un-checked, presenters unverified, accusations run amok without any real justice or conclusion and the influx of constant newbies being shuffled in and out like cattle doesn't help for accountability or forbearance. It seems as if no one, venues included, really care about anyone else but themselves.

Who can they dupe?
How much money will they make tonight?
Are participants being safe-guarded?
Who guides the newbies?
What happens if there is a consent violation?
...and most of all...Who watches the watchmen?

The answers to some of these questions are abysmal for a collective group of folks leading a common lifestyle, supposedly watching one another, one that loves getting on its soapbox about consent, rules, protocols, and unity.

To that I call bullshit.

Some of the most judgemental, self-centered, asshattery I've ever known to exist in my life has been viewed from right inside the eye of the storm that is my local community. There's only so much *headdesk* I can do before I need to take a step back and focus my energy elsewhere. Though if I'm being honest, I've been putting this off for far too long.

Sign on the dotted line

Order has been restored

His cup runneth over

It's been more than three months since the boy stopped coming wherever he so pleased and into a cup. He understands his punishment and while he might not like it, he is always eager to fulfill it.

Not the boy's cup but very similar

I can tell that he does not enjoy it or even look forward to it. Yet he does it anyway. Because he knows this is something that I not only want but command. I am pleased with his progress and the more his cup fills the less I feel angry about his transgressions.

My goal was never to completely fill the cup (though that was always an option) it was simply to remind him that his body as long as he submits to me is mine to use however I see fit.

And now, here he is looming on the 25th and final time he will fill the cup. I leave it up to you dear readers.

How should he finish his punishment? Please vote on the right hand side by May 5th.

Marvelous multiples

I always seem to find the perfect guy...when I'm already in a relationship.

Being the good person that I am I don't cheat. No. I've never cheated. I've been cheated on but have never cheated. Instead I resort to the agonizing internal self-infliction---the "What if" game.

What if I were single?
What if I got drunk and happened to kiss him?
What if we just had phone sex?
What if....

Yes, we've all played that game at one point or another.

But it really is painful and unhealthy.

That's why in 2004 I decided to never play the "What if" game ever again. I decided to become polyamourous and I haven't regretted it....mostly.

It was a lot harder than just the decision to do so. I've touched on my relationship status before but over the years my conceptual ideals have shifted and moved and replaced other ideas I previously held.

I was taking this well beyond the whole "we can see other people" thing; the general casual types of relationships before getting serious. I genuinely wanted to make meaningful romantic connections with more than one person at a time and have the consent of everyone involved.

I thought I was making it easy...what guy isn't going to like the idea of being a "part-time" boyfriend? I thought wrong.

The first attempt at poly was an epic fail. Communication was all but non-existent and we ended up hurting each other in the process of finding our way in new and unfamiliar territory.

My next attempt involved too much communication, which I never believed was possible. Not until I listened to the most descriptive and raunchy tales of my boyfriend's sexual interludes with his other girlfriend. It was definitely T.M.I. and a more than subtle breaking point for me.

My third attempt (which I thought was a charm at the time) turned into an unwanted game of mind fuckery and cheating...yes cheating within a poly relationship can happen. It seemed ridiculous to me. Why sneak around when you need only ask/be open and honest?

I nearly threw in the towel until I met a sub who wanted to date and serve me. He seemed okay with the poly aspect at first but it quickly became apparent that it wasn't for him, or us. Trust issues and jealousy consumed us and what was left of our tattered relationship.

Sometimes I have thought that it would be easier to not have come out as poly, to just have settled but I know I would be a different and more unhappy person for it.

My bf (bless him) has really endured and expanded his mind a lot on my behalf. I'm his first and only poly relationship. My seeing of submissives or even casual dating hasn't caused any problems we can't talk out. And we try to remain open on all fronts.

Now I've met someone new. Someone who has tumbled in and out of my life for a few years but never stuck due to timing. He's quickly starting to become important to me and I know this will also be his first poly endeavor. I don't want to scare him but I do want to be honest with him. I am trying to outline the struggles we might encounter, the questions he might have, issues we might have overlooked...but I know it's never enough. I know life has its own plans and curve balls to throw at us.

With him, much to my surprise, it feels different. I feel different. It's the first time I have asked myself, What if I wanted to be with both him and my boyfriend on a more serious level?

Which lead me read more on the subject of "polyandry". This is essentially the opposite of polygamy---it is when a woman takes on more than one husband. I've come to conclude that I would be very open to participating in this type of arrangement. To me, this almost seems like female domination at its core, even without the BDSM play. I would be Queen of my castle, wanting for hardly much between the two them, save for a little kinky play with a submissive play-mate every so often.

And so it seems we are giving it a trial run this summer as the new bf will be staying with us on and off, sharing our living arrangements for a few months.

So far all I can say is pleasing two men is definitely going to keep me on my sexual toes...a challenge I readily accept!

It's not me, it's you

When do you get rest and relaxation in the scene when you're searching for someone?

As a dominant I often hold my breath after meeting someone new and taking them into my life. I never know if it will work out, what struggles we'll encounter, or how we'll actually mesh up together once we bring our relationship into reality.

Every relationship takes work and patience but for me personally, it's more risky when I take on a new submissive. I feel like it takes more work to find a committed play partner than it does to find a boyfriend or casual partner. If I wanted a straight up vanilla guy to date and go on dates or someone to see for a one-off with I'm confident that is easily obtained.

With a play partner it takes a little more time to work out logistics and find your footing. For me dominance and submission is a carefully anticipated dance. One leads and one follows. There will always be some toe-stepping until you and your partner learn each others moves but what happens when you are dancing the salsa and they are dancing ballroom?

There's nothing much to be done about it when your kinks don't compliment each other as well as you hoped or when things just don't work out. It's easy to sit thru baseball games when that's not really your thing but how do you convince him let you explore strap-on play if he's not interested? How can you enjoy doling out crave-worthy spankings when he's doesn't like pain, let alone exposing his bottom? It's easy to fake your way thru vanilla to get to the fun stuff I suppose, not so easy to fake being a submissive or dominant.

In the last 12 months I have played with more than 15 potentials! That's one new person a month I've been getting to know and they all seem to not work out for one reason or another. I like to think I've trained myself to be patient under the right circumstances but even that has a limit.

And short-lived yet completely full of unnecessary drama, my time with Mr. Dickless is over. 

It's a combination of things working against us not to mention namely, himself. I've said it before but it never hurts to say it again: giving up control is paramount...and difficult, but key to a successful D/s relationship. It's hard to take control from someone who holds it in their teeth like a rabid bull dog who's favorite bone you've tried to replace. And while I don't mind being aggressive to get what I want, I need to know that you want it too, otherwise we fall into that "Is this consensual?" gray area.

Gray is not a color that suits me.

Rules are meant to be broken...and so is your ass

I want to see you.

The five words stared up at me from my phone, silently beckoning me to me respond. But I ignored it for two days.

Please see me.

This text 48 hours later seemed more honest. He was begging and I liked that as I was deciding whether or not to ignore this one another one popped up interrupting my decision: 

I need you Miss L, please.

What about what I need? I replied back.

You need me and I am yours.

He was definitely going all in this round but that didn’t get the Congressman off the hook so easy. We had rules set in place for safety but flat out standing me up was more than I could take. The last time we had slated to meet the Congressman stood me up with not even so much as a hint as to why or when I’d hear from him again. I sat in the hotel lobby looking like a stray glove, alone and misplaced on the couch for three fucking hours before I lost my patience.

No he’d have to do better than some cheesy lines.

Prove it, I texted back rapidly.

Anything, name it and it yours as am I, he replied almost as quickly. 

I sat and thought for a brief moment.

Book a room at the Hilton downtown, get their most expensive room, I won’t settle for less..and this time put it in your name.

Time ticked by and I received no response from him. Had he promised more than he could offer?

Two hours later: Room #_____ awaits your presence, will you grace us with it?

I called the hotel to confirm that their most expensive suite was booked and currently occupied for the day and texted back a simple, No.

He called me immediately and pleaded with me to see him, apologized for missing our last meeting and promised he would never make that mistake again. I told him that I’d see him on one condition, he would be punished. This punishment would be to any extent I wanted as long as it was contained to the room we were in.

“Yes Miss L, I deserve to be punished for disappointing you,” he whispered quietly into the phone.

I got dressed in one of the sluttiest outfits I could muster for early afternoon and trekked downtown to the hotel.

Once I arrived, I made a big show of letting the desk know I was there for his room, even going as far as to name him and say, “Oh did he already pay for the two hours we’ll need the room?”

The concierge blushed but assured me the entire day had been paid for in full, not just an increment of time.

Next time I want him to think twice before deserting me. I thought aloud as I took the elevator up.

KNOCK!
KNOCK!
KNOCK!

I rapped on the large polished wood door before he swung it open. He was still dressed in his suit and went to greet me with a kiss on the cheek but I turned away giving him a look of Seriously? I don’t think so.

“I’m sorry Miss L, I just…I didn’t...” he stammered after reading my face.

“Shut up gay boy,” I said sharply shutting the heavy door a bit harder than needed.

SLAM!

He jumped a little.

“Are your nervous? Did the door scare you? Do I scare you?” I asked him in a mocking tone. I threw my purse and coat bag down in the chair as I walked over to him and grabbed his balls thru his grey dress pants.

“Yes Miss L, I don’t like you angry. I am sorry I displeased you,” he said as he looked down to the floor.

“Take off your clothes and get on your knees to plead your case before I administer punishment,” I said plopping down in the wing back chair in the corner. He didn't hesitate like before, he just started stripping. As he undressed I watched him closely but also surveyed the room we were in. For their most expensive suite this was rather impressive, rich dark wood furnishings, flat screen television, completely granite bathroom, high-back chairs, but I had seen better.

He was finished and on his knees. I walked in a circle around him and placed my hand on the back of his head, shoving it down so that he looked at the ground. This was the first time I had seen him naked and I wanted to inspect every glorious inch of him as it would appear he took care of his body…damn good care. I pulled him by his ear back towards the chair I sat in. Something about sitting in a chair with a man kneeling in front of me has always turned me on. Maybe it's the mild Basic Instinct feeling to it or maybe I just like seeing a man kneel...but I sure do enjoy the view. I kicked my shoes off into his chest. The pointy heels left little red marks on him but he didn’t seem to notice as he cradled my right foot in his hand and begin kissing it all over.

I smacked him in the side of his head, “Who said you could have the privilege of kissing my feet?”

He stammered again but ultimately said meekly, “No one, I am sorry Miss L…forgive me, I just want to please you.”

I believed him as I had never seen him this docile since we’d met. Without his witty banter, expensive suits, and come hither look he was reduced to this...and I liked this.

Our last meeting was for a fitting. I had decided that I enjoyed the Congressman’s legs so much that I wanted to accentuate them…with a dress. I was making him a Queen of Hearts dress that I wanted him to wear, full of ruffles and girlish goodness. But he never showed up. 

I had brought the dress with me today, along with my telephone, which I planned to use for pictures. He had promised recently that if I took pictures without his face, he would be comfortable with that level of exposure and I was holding him to his word on this.

“Tell me why you failed to show up last meeting?” I grilled him as I placed my pantyhose-clad foot on his shoulder pressing my toes on him roughly.

“I wanted to meet you Miss L, I did. But, something came up at work and I had no way to reach you and I assumed once I had missed it that you would never see or speak to me again. I’ve been working up the nerve to see if you would since then. I have to leave today during our meeting to attend to work for an hour or so but I want to come back if you’ll let me and resume our time together,” he said all of this at once, the words falling out like sugar from a spoon.

His excuse wasn’t pretty but it was the truth and I could see he felt bad, still…there would be repercussions.

“Don’t ever do that again. Do you understand Congressman? Next time you pull a stunt like that you can forget about me ever acknowledging you again,” I spat the words at him sternly.

He nodded and said, “Of course.”

I learned that he had to leave in only 30 minutes for something for work but told him he’d be going back with a red ass. I was going to allow him to return afterward for the dress fitting but before that he would take his punishment like a good little boy.

I made him get back on his knees and I stood before him. I lifted up my skirt slowly to mid-thigh and then reached under and removed the silk panties I wore.

“Open up,” I said pointing to his mouth. He did as he was told and I stuffed them in his mouth and directed him to bend over the bed.

He assumed the position, hands tucked under him, mouth full of semi-wet panties and awaited punishment while I walked over to his pile of clothing and removed his belt from his pants lying on the ground. 

“Whatever punishment you receive, I will be posting on my blog, do you understand? I want my readers to know what happens to bad Congressmen who disrespect Mistress L,” I said casually. He nodded agreeing.

I scratched my nails down his bulbous bottom, which caused him to goosebump and then I wielded the belt in my right hand and began punishing him. He turned red quicker than I thought but I continued nonetheless alternating between my hand and the belt. He would clench up and wiggle a little but he hardly made a sound. I beat him until it was 10 minutes prior to his leaving and then rubbed his ass with an ice cube from the ice bucket after snapping a picture of my handiwork.

I removed the panties from his mouth and he worked his jaws out a little, and blinked back glassy eyes before smiling at me.

He thanked me as he got dressed but I think he hardly noticed that I had kept another one of his belts…just adding it to the collection.

Breasts, can't live with them....or can you?

I’ve nicknamed my breasts “Thelma & Louise” (bet you can’t guess which is which!) because these girls are always getting me in trouble.

When I first started to “develop” I was big into sports and soccer was a favorite of mine. I was the short, wide-shouldered girl who played defense and was nicknamed “The Wall”. I loved soccer, it was one of the few sports I felt that my height gave me an advantage. But when T&L started making their debut I felt really self-conscious about running because of all the…er…movement that was involved.  We won one game entirely due to the fact that the boy who was the opposing team’s star player and forward couldn’t stop staring at T&L whenever he got near our goal. His Mother actually crossed the field to tell my Mother that I needed a better, less distracting bra.
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The first airplane trip I took, I was young and flying alone. A man walked over to me, to which I now describe as the wolf in those old Looney Tune cartoons with his tongue wagging and eyes bulging. I was naive (yes, there was such a time) and didn’t think much of his demeanor.

“Are the puppies okay?” he asked with a slight smirk.

I thought of my cat back home.

“What puppies?” I asked genuinely.

“The two puppies fighting under your shirt,” he replied with a perverted grin.
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My first year of college I won first place in a local wet t-shirt contest that resulted in pictures being photocopied and pasted in my dorm hall.

I was a campus celebrity.
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But, I went home this month to help my Mom with aftercare; she had breast reduction surgery. My Mom was “DD”, she complained of back and neck pain occasionally but apparently it was a lot worse than she let on. I’m “DDD” and haven’t had any problems as of yet. Again, I think my short/stout physique really helps with that. I never feel as if my breasts are uncomfortable, though they do get in the way at times. Know the last time I saw my feet as I walked down stairs? My sister is much larger than I am. She refuses to find out her proper size but if I had to guess I’d say she’s an “H”. My Mom wasn’t sad to see her breasts go, she jokingly said she’s too old to need them anymore but it got me thinking...

What would I do without T&L?  Being of mixed race I am a bit of a hodgepodge of ethnic parts, I definitely didn’t get what I’ve dubbed “the black girl ass”, I’ve been told I have child-birthing hips, my legs are short, my feet are wide, and my shoulders are broad. I am anything but the “typical” woman.  My breasts are my favorite assets just ahead of my lips. They’ve gotten me free drinks, funny questions, trips around the world, a boat (don’t ask), reduced college tuition, second and third glances, warnings instead of speeding tickets, special treatment…the works.

Not to mention, I fill out a mean corset!

The doctor who did my Mom’s work asked if I was next, to which I answered, “You wish you could get a glimpse of these babies!” and shimmied in his direction.

Thelma and Louise get me in trouble but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Married without children

I use to have another blog on this site that I used primarily for meticulously detailed information on how I was training my sub at the time.

While I found it fun at the time it sort of petered out once we broke up and I haven't updated it since. I was contemplating whether or not to delete it last month when I realized I had a comment that I had never responded to. Typically I would've called it a lost cause but this person was only searching for friends within the scene and left their email address, so I responded to the year+ old comment explaining what happened.

We chatted a few days later and upon talking, the reader, a male, asked if I'd be free for dinner or drinks that night. I happily obliged as I'm always up for meeting new people and drinking seems to be a local past-time here.

He got to the bar before myself and even though we hadn't exchanged pictures, I just knew it was him. We got a table and began chatting.

"So do you have a girlfriend?," I asked him almost immediately after seating.

"Yes", he answered.

"Did you tell her you were meeting me tonight?" I asked skeptically.

"No" he responded plainly.

"Are you going to tell her?", I questioned again.

Again he replied, "No".

I tried to let the issue go as we talked about general ideals; nothing too risque.

I kept eying the ring on his finger.

Our food arrived, he asked about my blog and some of the things I've done in the lifestyle.

I kept eying the ring on his finger.

We ordered more drinks and we started talking about our sexual interests.

But I couldn't stop eying the ring on his finger.

Finally I probed again about his relationship status by explaining my open relationship situation to him.

At last he said sheepishly, "Yeah...I should tell you, I'm married."

As the words tumbled from his mouth I felt myself fighting the urge to leave.

I may be some women's worst nightmares next to their husbands but they should fear not. I am very firm in my plight against anything to do with married individuals who play, plan to play, sleep around, cheat, etc unbeknownst to their spouses. So as he sat there and lamented about how his and his wife's sexual tastes didn't mesh up, she'd never really understand, he had unmet desires, blah, blah, blah I could only feel a twinge of annoyance.

I can't feel sympathy for someone who has placed themselves in what they later deem an "undesirable situation". I can only acknowledge their stupidity and lack of ability to critically think out an arrangement such as marriage fully. It's not really a prison when you're the warden.

When I asked him, "What would you do if you found someone you connected with sexually?"

He danced around the issue before answering honestly, "In reality I'd probably do what I wanted but not tell my wife unless it evolved into an ongoing thing or turned serious."

Yes, he really said that aloud.

We wrapped it up not too long thereafter (thankfully the metallic taste from all the tongue biting was getting to me) but when I got home I still felt very dirty. I am upset that my right to make a fully infomed decision was taken away from me with his lies. If he had told me the truth; that he was married, I probably would have never met him for drinks and dinner. Period.

This shit may work for celebrities but I am not looking to be anyone's Mistress on the side (not that he asked me)...but it got me thinking of past experiences when I have been asked. I need to be full, front and center.

As if a Mistress can ever truly be happy being "the other woman". Pfft!

Ask Miss a stupid question, you know you want to...

I wanted to thank everyone who participated in "Ask A Stupid Question Day", and apologize for the lateness. I didn't think you all would really get into it but you did. Some were sexy...some were downright dirty! But, as promised here's a few selected of the questions asked:

Do you sing in the shower?

Sometimes I do sing in the shower, usually to pop songs or show tunes lol.

Have you ever swallowed cum?

Yep, I'm avid believer in swallowing not spitting, unless it's funky spunk...then just walk away, actually run.

What's your worst fashion accessory?

Hmm, I usually don't care what's stylish and make my own statement but even I have to admit that my shirt proclaiming: "For rent by the hour" is a little more forward than I like sometimes haha.

Do you have a favorite sex position?

Definitely! Doggie-style is my favorite. This is even hotter in the mirror over my bed.

Do you believe in aliens?

It'd be silly to think we were the only intelligent life-forms in the solar system.

How many of your submissives have you had feelings for?

Once you get into the swing of things with sessions or collaring someone it is hard to remain completely in role at all times. For me I only choose long-term subs if I have an emotional or extremely sexually-charged connection with them. If that applies, I can't help but start to care about them, even if it is only as a good friend.

What is your ideal Thanksgiving dinner?

This is one of my favorite holidays. Dinner wise: Stuffing, cranberry sauce (from the can!), mac & cheese, green bean casserole, mash potatoes, turkey and ham, pumpkin pie, pineapple slices, spinach, and cheddar biscuits. Mmm, I'm making myself hungry.

If you could do anything to one sub you've mentioned in your blog, who would it be and what would you do?

This is kinda a trick question haha. I haven't introduced all the subs I've met into my blog yet. But I have always enjoyed domesticating a sub for my use. I would love a full day where I worked and my sub just did whatever he was told to do. That could be from massaging my feet, to mopping, to grocery shopping, and then letting me use him as a footstool, all while wearing whatever I have decided will make him appealing to me. I find it completely sexy when a submissive does what he's asked and with a very genuine "Yes Ma'am" in response.

Do you believe the moon landing was a hoax?

I've often wondered because of its convenient timing and some of the facts not adding up. Our government hiding things or falsifying events for the general public is nothing new.

As a Mistress, do you ever get tired of being in charge?

Absolutely not. I love making decisions in life or others lives, even it's just to tell the other person that they must make a decision. My creativeness is what keeps me from getting board with BDSM.

What's one guilty pleasure of yours (non-sexual)?

It's gotta be reality television. I can really get sucked into their carnival-esque lives sometimes!

Do you ever hurt your hand when you're spanking someone?

Yes. Haha, sometimes I wonder who's really getting the inflicting punishment.

I like your blog when it's sexy, why did you do this dumb question thing?

Just to annoy you haha but seriously, there'll be more sexy things this week so sit tight.

What women want

...I actually don't know what all women want, I only know what this woman wants.

I have finally come to terms with what exactly I really want. Many of the things in my life have fallen into place except men. With me, men and relationships have always been an exhilarating roller coaster. I've been thru many hands-in-the-air ups and stomach-turning downs. But it wasn't until I found BDSM that I finally realized it wasn't selfish to want the things I wanted. It didn't make me a bitch to want to be catered to. And it most certainly didn't make me a freak if I wanted to do those with a paddle in hand.

What I seek seems simple enough but weeding thru the unworthies does get daunting. Even though I am dominant that does not mean I need to constantly be in control. I do not want a spineless, worm of a man. I want someone who will hold their head high and walk beside me with confidence. I want someone who will make me laugh while we're out but beg and plead in the bedroom. Someone who will cherish the collar he wears nearly as much as he himself is cherished by me. Even someone who gives a little resistance just to receive a little pain would be a fresh of breath air.

Wake up from your fantasies little subbie boys and smell the leather. Some of us ladies actually know what we want...and if you can stop fumbling over your balls for a minute and get it together you could be sitting pretty under our heels.

MonoPoly: Passing Go or Straight To Jail?

A lot of people are curious about my relationship status and how I maintain in general the relationships I am involved in. I've found that "MonoPoly" is a new buzz word that's been making it's way around the scene. After learning a bit more about it I suppose my lifestyle would fit into its category.

Currently I am in a MonoPoly relationship (which is not exclusive to BDSM). Meaning I have been fortunate enough to find a partner who understands my desire to include BDSM in my life, even if they do not necessarily share it. Therefore with his complete vanilla-ness and my extracurricular activities, I am openly poly with the people I choose to play with within the BDSM realm and he is mono because he is only is sexual with me. This is all with his consent as we have agreed on this as a couple. To be fair, he also has the option of obtaining another partner for play or whatever he chooses outside of myself, but that just really isn't his thing; though sometimes I wish it was.

This lifestyle isn't for everyone. There are many issues that are destructing factors including but not limited to honesty, trust, and boundaries. We spent many a night in the beginning discussing what we were comfortable with but most importantly we agreed to always talk to one another, about everything. Any questions, mixed feelings, thoughts, or fears, we'd keep an open ear and strive to never get angry at one another. So far, these tactics have worked for us. But each relationship is like a fingerprint in its uniqueness. It needs to be customized to what you and your partner are comfortable with. If you are thinking of becoming Poly I think it's important to ask yourself these three questions, as your partner will probably be wondering the same:

1. Why do you want to become Poly?

2. What will this improve? What could this hinder?

3. Will you still be happy if you cannot be in a Poly relationship?

Make sure you have more than a regurgitated answer that you've seen somewhere on a forum. Really, ask yourself these questions. This is a entirely different relationship dynamic that could prove to be truly uplifting or horribly home-wrecking for your relationship, not an imaginary one. There are real emotions and another person involved with your decision and if you can't answer these questions you probably shouldn't bring it up with your partner until you can. Once you can answer the questions, know that it might not be an easy road. But, anything worth having isn't easy, so if it's really important to you then be willing to put in the work to make it work.

I am lucky that I have found someone so open-minded and accepting who understands this is me. I am Poly, I am kinky, I am a Mistress. And even if we don't share all the same sexual desires, we do desire each other and that's what matters most.

Don't worry I'm the Captain of a motorboat

Earlier this week I attended a local BDSM club meeting with the sweet sub. Last minute plans entailed my inviting a close friend of mine as well and we were off.

Upon arriving, the sweet sub was as handsome as usual and dressed as a mild mannered frat boy (how can someone look so innocent but be so naughty?). We settled in as best we could in the tightly packed large group and began making the most of the happy hour.

We were "lucky" enough to sit by two older ladies who were polite enough to my friend and I. But, when given the opportunity to chat up the sweet sub, they went in for the kill! I've never seen cougars up close and personal but it was amusing at best. I made a few exchanges of phone numbers and email as well but was excited to know that many people assumed the sweet sub was mine. It may have been my "Don't fuck with me" look and whomever was within proximity of me it engulfed so they thought, "we better not fuck with him either" haha. But we made sure to tell people that we weren't together. He was free to roam and be mauled and pawed by all cougars alike.

If it sounds like I'm a bit jealous, I'm not, if anything I'm only jealous that he showed them his pink panties and I've yet to get a in-person show. It doesn't help that out of the men who gave me their numbers/emails, one was definitely NOT my type (think homeless chic), one was just too young (18 to be exact and he smokes and chews tobacco!), one was married but assured me his wife wouldn't mind him kneeling for me (uh huh...riiight), and one proclaimed if I ever needed a good motor-boating he would be free.

I can't help but giggle at the thought of me ever being so desperate I'd call that gentleman for a good motorboat session.

Ahh, men and their silly dreams.

So you wanna be in a moovie?

Would you be into doing a short adult movie?

That was the first text I woke up to a couple days ago. Here I was thinking that I was losing my edge, sexiness, and overall wild womanly ways; thinking I was being left out of all the fun. But, it seems I stand corrected.

It's funny that I got this message because just a month ago I was asked by a new plus-size fetish site if I would consider posing for their site. There's enough Mistress L to go around but I politely declined, due solely to the nature of my job and what affect that could have on it if that site was ever found out. The text from a Craigslist fuckbuddy from a year ago seemed less daunting, less public.

I decided to get some details on the matter but not before flirting endlessly with him. I haven't seen the guy in about 11 months, but he is a handsome fellow, with a cute voice, rugged but charming face, and is a bit of a tease. It doesn't hurt that he's slightly exotic (he's Egyptian) and hung like a horse, well a 10-inch horse that is.

Needless to say I was a bit excited about the offer. There wouldn't be any BDSM involved just good ol' sex and from what I know thus far, it's a friend of his and himself who have in their spare time been making amateur adult films with girls they know. It all seems harmless and fun and I am seriously contemplating partaking in their activities. I have nothing to lose...and it won't be like it's the first time I've ever been filmed!

What do you think my lovely readers: Am I being too wild and throwing caution to the wind or should I just enjoy the experience? Please cast your vote to the right by March 1st!

A new year, new beginnings

I haven't thought about BDSM really in a couple weeks. I have been successfully distracting myself with the likes of mini-road trips, impromptu parties and dance clubs, and my new favorite addiction...Fratpad.

For those of you who don't know what Fratpad is, it's a lovely site catered towards the gay men (or kinky straight woman) that showcases lovely frat-aged boys all living in a house together. They take shifts and chat with their viewers, do private shows, and generally have fun with each other. If you haven't checked it out I suggest you do so immediately, just to see what it's all about at least. It's the best holiday present so far!

In regards to my BDSM dealings I've been keeping a distance from the thoughts and my new found friends who are into it. Although, I recently got in a discussion about what my plans were in regards to moving forward. I was surprised to learn that someone who has never tried BDSM would be willing to try it for/with me.

This may be something worth pondering....

Side-blinded

For inquiring minds: Did the new bf meet the goal of 26 orgasms in 26 days?

The simple answer is "No". On top of that we didn't even see each other last week.

Last night was the first night we've seen each other since last Monday and I when I got to his place the air was so thick you could cut it with a cheese knife. We had been having some heated discussions via text and over the phone within the week so I expected as much.

What I didn't expect to hear after 45 minutes of arguing was this: "I don't think I can do BDSM with you anymore."

It felt like a Mack truck had just hit me and kept on truckin'! Tears welled in my eyes and I literally choked up. I was speechless. A million questions swirled thru my mind and the ones I could muster out his only parroted response was, "I don't know."

It's bad enough when someone tells you something that feels like you royally messed up but it's another thing entirely when they can't explain it or give you reasons why they feel the way they do.

I'm still in semi-shock and I suppose this means unofficially I am back to the Mundane self, at least as long as I want to be with him and he feels this way...

Lucky #26?

I asked my bf last night how many more orgasms he had left to give me before his time was up. He fumbled before answering hesitantly, "14?"

"No try again," I stated.

"12?" he re-tried.

"No, try again," I re-stated.

"Less than 12?" he asked. I corrected him and said "10."

I sighed. Clearly he was not keeping as close of track of my happiness as I wanted.

"Tell me how you feel about not coming?" I asked.

"It sucks," he answered honestly.

"But is it worth it?"

"Yes Mistress," he replied.

"Well make it 26 orgasms now, not 24. I've changed my mind." I announced.

He nodded in agreement. I am after all the Mistress I can change my mind whenever and however I want. He proceeded to work his newly 12 orgasms down to the original 10 in no time with a hot round of anal sex.

But 10 orgasms in just 5 days...he's cutting it close.

Can't spell 'insomnia' without 'I'

I've really got to stop blogging when I'm in a fuckingchristdidthatreallyhappen mood, which seems to be often as of late.

I started a new job this week, so far I'm just settling in but it's doable. I've been seeing the new bf on and off all week between hanging out with friends. We managed to spend a whopping 4 hours together this week.

Some things are moving and shaking around here, the roommate I mentioned getting two months ago is being evicted by me and this has made me get down about looking for a replacement. I hate looking for roommates and it usually proves to be more headache than it's usually worth. Therefore, I've been contemplating moving myself into an apartment with other roommates. Sometimes it's nice to be the landlord but other times I definitely miss the simplicity of just handing over rent money to someone else to take care of.

As it has stood all this month I've been waiting on other people before I make a decision.

I was waiting to see if the current roommate was going to pay rent on time or move out...he paid late and is being evicted.

I was waiting to hear if a friend from cross-country moving to the area was going to rent my room...but he didn't.

I showed the room to a guy who said everything shy of "I'll take it!" and was waiting to hear back from him last weekend...but didn't hear anything.

But most importantly, I was waiting to hear from the new bf on whether or not he was going to move in with me.

We have discussed this pretty in depth (and have the notion planted solely because he rekindled that fire), not forgetting to mention the pros and cons of doing so. When we talked about it yesterday he said a phrase that made me feel special.

He said, "If you aren't there at night, I won't feel comfortable sleeping in our bed alone."

I started thinking, our bed, our home, our clothes, our rules...but how foolish of me.

I think he said it without realizing that he had said 'ours' in such a way it made me feel loved. Just for a tiny second I felt my heart flutter.

Few people have wanted to "share" anything with this Mistress.

But today, which was our pre-planned decision day, he tells me that he can't make a decision.

[Insert mini-heart stomping]

I told him that I wouldn't hold it against him if he said he couldn't or just didn't want to live me. And I wouldn't. But I feel like not making a decision at all is asinine. I would rather hear "No" as opposed to the silence of wish-washy indecisiveness.

He asked for another week to decide. And whether or not I agreed to give him another week to decide he will do whatever works for him and I will do whatever works for me.

Frankly, I'm tired of waiting for other people to make a decision. I'm just going to do what works best for Mistress L and everything will either work out or go horribly horribly wrong.

I guess it's back to my empty bed...

T-Minus 3 Days

I'm pissed, kitty's pissed!

Sometimes...

When life gives you lemons, you build a lemonade stand and make lemonade. Then use the profits of your lemonade business to buy a machine gun. Let's see if life makes the same mistake twice...

Yeah, take that lemons!