The unhappy domme

It's been exactly 110 days since my puppy and I arrived back from the UK and I can't believe time has passed so quickly.

He started his second segment of training a few weeks after arriving and while we started out like a freight train, we're having a little trouble getting over the bumps we've reached. In short, I'm unhappy with our progress.

Taking on a 24/7 role in D/s has been an awakening for me. I'm not ashamed to say I'm guilty of living in a fantasy. I've always dreamed of having a real life, real time dynamic that afforded me to have a willing and obedient individual at my every beck and call. I never thought this would be that dream. I also never thought I wouldn't be enjoying it 100% of the time. In my fantasy I held this submissive captive, locked away from the world until I was ready to use them. They had the cleaning skills of Mr. Clean, the cooking ingenuity of Betty Crocker, and they loved serving endlessly, tirelessly, and without need of any motivation or reward. How very selfish, vacuous and extremely benighted I was.

Being a full time, live-in 24/7 domme is hard. It's like being a motivational speaker for a team who sometimes doesn't realize they have a game. I must always toe the line, put on the brave front and run into battle head held high...at least it feels like that sometimes. Now there are other factors such as having a full time job, an additional poly partner, social engagements and other obligations that obviously bog down my free time and prevent me from being stress-free but at my core I am a dominant. I like being in charge. I like controlling most aspects of my life and having an influential say in the lives around me.

This training program has taught me more about myself than I ever thought it would. Not, that I thought I knew it all, but I thought I had a good grasp on what being a 24/7 D/s couple would entail.

I did not.

I've realized I'm nit-picky and more 'Type A' than I wanted to admit. I don't accept that others do things differently and sometimes less efficiently than I would. I'm confrontational without wanting an argument. I tend to shoulder more responsibility in situations than I reasonably should or have to. I get lost in thought on things I can't change and overanalyze those that I can. I forget to relax when it's time to do so and I shift "me time" around so much Google calendar can't even find it. I'm impatient yet sometimes unwilling to complete a task. I'm an alpha, short fused, stressor who is competitively driven in most aspects. All the warning signs while feverishly writing a 15 week training program start to finish in 12 days should've raised a flag. On paper and in my mind I had training all figured out and didn't plan for any hiccups, bumps, or other inconsistencies.

"Of course it would be perfect" I thought to myself.

But it's not and I have to learn that it's okay. I've been so fixated on my very patient and caring puppy's imperfections that I've been blind to all of my own. I've tried to pass them off as "every dominant wants what they want", which is true but not an excuse for my lack of introspective growth and poor time management.

He is still my boy.
He is still my pet.
He is still my lover.
He is still my everything.

Even if he can't cook all the things I like, clean as spotlessly as I would, kneel for as long as I would like, or take a beating as harsh as I "dreamed' of giving, the effort he puts in to do so means something. I need to make the effort to see devotion and love he shows when they're staring me in the face. The most important lesson I've needed re-iterated through training is that he is a person. He isn't meant to be perfect. But that certainly doesn't mean he isn't good enough to be mine someday.

Beautiful consent

It's all in the wrist

As I type this I can hear his pathetic whimpers from inside the closet.

"Mistresssss.....Miss..." he trails off breathlessly.

I refuse to answer. Especially after I've specifically told him today not to call me 'Mistress' that I wasn't in fact his 'Mistress'.

"All of this is a fucking game, I've never wanted to be a Mistress, I've just wanted to use pathetic, losers with low self esteem like you," I whispered maniacally in his ears just an hour ago.

That was when he was naked and tied on the floor, fetal position, rolling around hooded in his own tears. His small body was covered with welts the size the belt and cane I had been beating him with and foot prints in his torso from where I had kicked and stood recklessly.

Of course I didn't mean any of those things but he didn't know that. He didn't know what was real and what wasn't this week...after all it was the second half of the training program. This half would be done all in person and I decided to start it off with something I liked to call "Reprogramming Week".

It was simple yet effective tactic of breaking him down and slowly rebuilding him to what I wanted. Honestly, it was just one long mind fuck and I am not sure how it will turn out. It could be fantastic or it could be disastrous. One thing I know for certain is it will have some effect.

He's going to be verbally humiliated, spat on, choked, undergo extended and repeated hypnosis, gaslit, isolated, blindfolded, beaten, shocked and more. For all intents purpose it'll be 120 hours of mental, emotional and physical torture. And if that's not what consent is for then I don't know what is...

When nothing goes right...go left!

I keep looking at my scarcely updated blog and wondering why the slump? I've been in them before but they usually fix themselves before long. They've not lasted for a year or more, yet here I am.

There was a time long ago in my early scene years where I thought I liked training submissives. I was good at it. It was a point of pride. Breaking someone down and rebuilding them in your image sounds like every dominant's dream. But, it takes time and dedication and a lot of patience. I find myself very short on all of these. If I'm being honest the new sub/bf has been much more than I ever bargained for. Navigating polyamory and kink at the same time is proved to be a rather daunting task. If I focus too much on one then the other gets pushed to the back burner.

How is a domme to do it all?

Do you ever feel exhausted by kink? Like the lifestyle requires much more than you can give it?

It's a terrible self depreciating cycle. I lack the desire to do kink but when I try to muster the energy and I fail to do it properly I lose the desire.

How much of a D/s relationship falls to the dominant to initiate? Where does/how the submissive suggest play without sounding like they're topping from the bottom?

I can't tell if this is better or worse than a vanilla sexual slump.

I promised myself that this year I'd fall back in love with kink but what if kink just doesn't want to fall in love with me?

Sign on the dotted line

Order has been restored

Up, up, and away

Even while jet-setting writer sub continues to be a good little panty boy for his Mistress...

"Rules, Rituals, & Protocol" test results (Week 6)

I am a firm but loving Mistress and I like things the way I like things.

Which is why this week's training was one of my favorite topics to cover. I must admit that writer sub and I have interacted in a rather relaxed form of D/s thus far. He is free to speak and express ideas openly. He may ask for permission to do something but once granted admission he may stand, walk, and get whatever it is he's requested with no limitations. While I want to maintain his ability to flourish as his own submissive, I need him to be structured enough to be my submissive. Without certain rituals, rules, and protocols we are merely scratching the surface of all we could be.

So this week I have implicated and taught him the following:

-An "Entrance Ritual" that is to be performed anytime time he sees me for the first time of the day.

-An "Exit Ritual" that is used whenever he is leaving my presence for the day.

-Certain speech restrictions---he may no longer use the following words: No, Why, Me, I, My, or Mine but is to simply refer to himself as "your submissive".

Also in place are other general rules and I have enlightened him on the three levels of D/s protocol: Low, High, and Social.

I tested him in the following areas and I still enjoy the "Exit Ritual" the most...

Step 1: Upon completing daily duties, recite your closing to your Mistress: "I have completed my duties today Mistress and request to leave if there is nothing further you require?"

Step 2: Kiss your Mistress's feet or shoes

Step 3: If Mistress dismisses you, retrieve clothing and put it on, then kneel

Step 4: Await Mistress to remove your collar, once collar is removed you are free to leave

...as there's just something about having a submissive on hands and knees kissing my feet.

All of our hard work is paying off as writer sub kept his streak of success going.


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Total Score :        90 /100        Pass     

Next week we will focus on "Communication" and afterward there is only one special week of training left. It's all quite exciting!

"Etiquette" training test results (Week 5)

Etiquette can always be a odd thing to learn, especially for the completely unrefined. When I was an unruly teenager I was sent to Finishing School in the hopes that it would tame whatever mischievous beast was growling within me...let's just say it didn't completely work as planned. It just made me a pretentious bad ass and evolved into my love for etiquette as an adult. Just more ways for me to prove I have better manners than you hehe.

Lucky  for me my little subbie is a sponge who is good (and hopefully enjoys) absorbing all the knowledge I am instilling on him and that's exactly what he did for the training. He was tested on his Written, Oral (get your mind out of the gutter!), Service and Appearance etiquette.

His appearance was acceptable except for his un-tucked shirt, his newly taught greetings and introductions were spot on, he replicated the following casual dining placement even when I threw in decoy dishes and utensils...

And his written etiquette was perfectly understood and penned with the following handwritten "Thank You" letter attached within his test:

Dear Miss L,

Thank you for training me this week. I appreciate all the time and effort you put into making me a better sub. Your creativity and originality is a pleasure, and I am glad I have been given a chance to experience that with you.

Your submissive in training,
writer sub



Continually exceeding my expectations he passed with flying colors with this score...

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Total Score :        95 /100        Pass      


Ooh, next week with my favorite friends Rules, Rituals, and Protocols should be delightfully strict.

"Roleplaying" test results (Week 4)

Roleplaying for me is like a lavish meal, if all the details aren't in place it falls flat like biscuits with no butter. So this week's training was especially a fun one for me as anytime I get to flex my creative skills I'm happy. Thru a convoluted series of questions and mysterious phone calls I narrowed writer sub and I's two roleplaying scenarios down for the week.

First up, we had Mad Scientist/Experimentee. This was the first time I'd ever really roleplayed something like this but it turned out fun for us both. My idea of a mad scientist teetered between Magic School Bus wacky and something that would make Doc Brown smile. Thankfully my "experimentee" took it all like a good little patient.

Secondly we roleplayed Secret Past/Blackmailer. In this instance I had some damaging information about his character and he had to convince me not to release it within his personal and professional life. This one was done solely with a webcam, messenger, and our cellphones. I actually took on the role of a male blackmailer which was an interesting twist that I hadn't planned beforehand.

During the week I as well asked him to read some designated material on roleplaying and its nuances and he was tested on the reading and his roleplaying performances (was he convincing? did he stay in character? did he make good use of costumes or props? etc).

No extra credit was given this week. Those have been privileges that I've afforded him. I also threw in some submissive position review and much to my surprise writer sub hadn't forgotten them!

That's why it's no surprise my star pupil scored well above the minimum passing grade of a 75% with a score of...

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Total Score :        95 /100        Pass     


You've passed the halfway mark with flying colors writer sub!! I'm so proud of you. I hope you're ready for your Etiquette training next week =)

"Skills & Crafts" test results (Week 3)

For his third week writer sub was put to a more comprehensive test. He was taught a series of skills and crafts thru video, demonstration, and reading. It was his objective to not only be exposed to these skills and crafts but to also retain the way they were taught and expected to be repeated in their exact (or near exact) manner. The sections were longer and I felt this was a more common sense test so only one section could be missed for a passing score of 80%:


SKILLS: Cleaning
Bathroom
Kitchen
Bedroom
Living Room

X SKILLS: Massage  
Demonstrate techniques shown in video on Mistress L for 15 minutes

SKILLS: Cooking/Baking
Successfully complete baking recipe so that it is edible and enjoyable

CRAFTS: Sewing
Complete pot holder for Mistress L

CRAFTS: Art
Complete decoration and personalization of a small wooden storage box

He only missed one section due to lack of time but made up for it by answering all extra credit questions correctly for his final score:

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Total Score :        95 /100        Pass     

Congratulations writer sub!! Keep up the outstanding work. Next week's training is sure to be a fun week =)

"Know Your Mistress" test results (Week 2)

This week writer sub went thru training to better get to know me. I believe it is a crucial part of a healthy D/s relationship that both parties take the time to reveal themselves as people. While titles are fun and great for establishing the guideline of your partnership, without well-rounded people behind them, they are merely that, just titles.

I provided him with a study guide filled with random facts and tidbits about myself and my preferences. Throughout the week I also gave him various tasks such as designing me an ideal dinner with recipes he'd choose, incorporating certain types of speech in his daily dealings, finding and reading me erotic stories, etc.

Today was his test. He was given a 25 questions test and extra credit questions (as I was feeling generous) and told he had 20 minutes to complete it.

As always a score lower than 70% will result in repeating of the weekly training.

Nailing two of the three extra credit questions...

-What is Miss L's bra size?
-What is Miss L's favorite sexual position?
-What is Miss L's tattoo of?

...brought him up to an adequate score of
 

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Total Score :       92/100         Pass

Congratulations writer sub, your Mistress is very pleased! 

Next week is Skills & Crafts...goodie!

TGIF

Writer sub is becoming the perfect little sissy, wouldn't you say? I think I'll officially be changing Friday to my favorite day of the week haha. Enjoy the view!

 

"Submissive Positions" test results (Week 1)

The submissive in training will perform the following slave positions in less than 30 seconds. Any position not performed within that time-frame will count as a miss. Ten positions will be issued, only 3 can be missed, a score lower than 70% will result in a repeat of weekly training and testing unless otherwise decided by Mistress L. All positions are to be performed in the manner that Mistress L has taught:

1. Worship

2. Table

3. Inspection

4. Attention

5. Close

6. Kneel

7. Punishment (#2)

8. Go To Your Spot

9. Lay Down

10. Stop

 

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Total Score :       120/100         Pass

Extra Credit: Exam (worth 20 points)

Congratulations writer sub, you have pleased this Mistress with your results, you will be rewarded upon our next visit!

My teacher's pet

I'm doing this for him.

I've been growing my nails out for him.

It's nice to do things for someone again...someone who will appreciate it.

Painting and picture taking are always easier with short nails but scratching a succulent sub's body is more fun, so I grow them for him.

He doesn't know it and he didn't ask me to but I have been.

So much has happened in such a short amount of time but it's still shiny and new so it remains exciting to talk about.

Try as I might I'm still holding on to the notion that he will change his mind, remember he's a switch and loves being dominant more than submissive, thinks I'm not Mistressy enough for him, or any number of reasons that could lead to his disappearance from my life. I'm trying not to hold other submissive's mistakes against him. A few bad subs don't make the whole batch of them rotten right?

Writer sub and I have started his official training (read: Attempting to mold him into a good submissive for me). We previously decided that we would do a 60 day probationary period; I've designed 8 weeks of training for him. Each Sunday we'll start his designated training, follow up with it throughout the week in various ways, and the following Sunday I will test him. His results will be available here, on this blog only, every Sunday evening. Sometimes you dear readers will know how well he's done even before he does! Any test he fails, he will retake thus only setting himself back. At the end of the 60 days there will be an all encompassing test of all the training we've covered. This factored with our chemistry will solely determine whether we continue our relationship.

It may seem like a lot but I feel it is a small price to pay for what he will be getting in return: a fully competent, attentive, and creative Mistress. What more could a plump-bottomed subby boy want?

This week his training was slave positions. I have taught him 20 different positions. Between Bianca and myself we have worked his ass red going thru them over and over again. I tied him, untied him, spanked him, bit him, belted him, scratched him, pulled his hair, nibbled his nipples..all in the name of education of course! So, I have every confidence that he will impress me (and not disappoint Bianca's hard work) by passing with flying colors.

Stay tuned for results on Sunday!

Training day

My slave and I are training again....and it brings a smile to my face and a crack in my whip. I'll be devoting some time to properly track our progress. If you're interested please check it out the new blog when I make it available to the public. It'll be updated regularly and accurately.