Was looking thru some old commissions I did this year and honestly this is all I can think about today...

Model: Raymond K.

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Know thyself

Life's been busy and honestly I have been trying to put my gripes on the back burner but it has been hard.

In the last entry I received some very thought provoking comments. One in particular from

Ferns really caught my attention. She stated: "Another thought... I see that he said he didn't want 'BDSM' anymore, but did you ever define with him what that meant to him...maybe the submission is too much for him, but the play is not."

I received this message straight to my blackberry at about 3am and I couldn't stop asking myself the same question with hidden hope...perhaps there was something I was missing about his definitive statement.

So I asked him in the middle of another discussion, "When you said you couldn't do BDSM with me anymore did you mean with just me? The bedroom BDSM stuff? Outside of the bedroom stuff or just in general?"

He started shaking his head and said, "No I can't do any of it and it's not just you, I mean ever."

"You even mean the biting, scratching, slapping, pinching...all of that too?" I said in nearly a whisper.

"Yes all of it, I can't do any of it. I'm sorry," he replied.

I was crestfallen all over again. After this talk I haven't been able to get out of my head trying to figure out how a person who begged for my spit in his mouth, my hand across his face, my teeth on his thighs less than 30 days ago could be saying these words? Where did the desire for these go...where did the need go?

With the recent news I've been trying to take my role as a just a girlfriend carefully. I have a naturally dominant personality but I am delicate with how I ask and answer questions. I've also noticed that I am slightly afraid to be myself in a small sense. I have not said when I am unhappy with things inside the bedroom, outside the bedroom, giving my opinions, or taking charge in general. I am fearful that he will interpret any of this as me trying to "sneak BDSM in under the radar".

I don't want to be disrespectful to him but when he told me last week after I did state some minor complaints about this relationship: "This is just me."

I was thinking the same thing...this is just me too.
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Repression = Aggression?

It was 5:30 am and I had just had sex with a stranger for the third time in a week. I say "stranger" in the sense that the sex my bf and I now have feels, well...strange. We have only known each other for the past 7 months in a certain capacity and now that has completely changed.

Taking the BDSM out of our relationship has really got me thinking about a lot of stuff. Maybe too much stuff as I sit here frustrated at myself for not faking an orgasm tonight. Without our play, I have found that I am struggling to orgasm. Oh, sure...a good ol' fuck with the dildo will ramp me right up but as I climb the orgasmic mountain with my bf I feel myself start to hold back. I could let go and just orgasm but that'd be forcing it. I could fake it but he has asked me not to and I try not to reinforce those negative stereotypes.

No biting. No scratching. No spitting. No slapping. No spanking. No hair pulling.

This is all I can think and honestly it's making me quite angry. I'm very accustomed to getting what I want and I want those things. I am just unable to have them right now. I have been lashing out at people around me and I can't help but think perhaps it's because I am repressing a lot of the things that come naturally to me. I feel as if I am toning myself down just...and for what??? Maybe all this stifling is making me extra pissed off?

So if I haven't commented on your blog in a while it's not because I don't still like you *smile* it's because I'm jealous and frustrated. I am throwing mental temper tantrums when I hear about all the fun stuff you bloggers are doing.

But, I'll find a way to deal with this...
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For inquiring minds: Did the new bf meet the goal of 26 orgasms in 26 days?

The simple answer is "No". On top of that we didn't even see each other last week.

Last night was the first night we've seen each other since last Monday and I when I got to his place the air was so thick you could cut it with a cheese knife. We had been having some heated discussions via text and over the phone within the week so I expected as much.

What I didn't expect to hear after 45 minutes of arguing was this: "I don't think I can do BDSM with you anymore."

It felt like a Mack truck had just hit me and kept on truckin'! Tears welled in my eyes and I literally choked up. I was speechless. A million questions swirled thru my mind and the ones I could muster out his only parroted response was, "I don't know."

It's bad enough when someone tells you something that feels like you royally messed up but it's another thing entirely when they can't explain it or give you reasons why they feel the way they do.

I'm still in semi-shock and I suppose this means unofficially I am back to the Mundane self, at least as long as I want to be with him and he feels this way...

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