You be you and I'll be me

I woke up this morning naked, drunk, in a strange apartment and slightly sore between my legs. I know, that's one hell of a Thursday night...but let me back up the story so I don't come off sounding like a five-dollar hooker who was slipped some roofies. 

Tuesday night I had my first real kiss in 16 days. It was soft. It was smoky. It was sincere. And it was from my former slave. On Tuesday my former dropped off some items of mine that he had. I was asleep when he did so. Later that night I got a hold of him because he said he was going to burn the journal that he had been keeping for me when we were together. I couldn't let that happen. I'm a firm believer that once something is written, it can't and shouldn't be unwritten. He said I could have it if I didn't want him to burn it. So we met. 

He came to my house and I had a bag of his things left behind waiting for him. It was a quick and sterile exchange. He handed me the journal and I handed him the bag. I offered him his slave registration certificate (the birthday present I gave him earlier this month) but he refused stating that he wasn't my slave anymore. He turned around and left. He was like the wind, gone almost as fast as he had arrived.  

Once back inside I looked thru the journal; foolishly hoping that there would be a hidden message for me somewhere in it but there wasn't. But I did realize that he had put our contract and some other papers within the journal. This coupled with his rejection of the slave registration made my heart heavy. I felt like we were just two passing strangers and these papers, these words that could never be unwritten were our only connection. I started feeling depressed with such thoughts so I tried to distract myself, I started looking for work. While I was in the middle of that mindless task he texted me. We talked about not hating one another, this is where I informed him I could never hate him. He was too special and I loved him too much to ever feel that way about him. I was glad to hear that he felt the same. 

Somehow in our chatting I mentioned that I wanted to hug him earlier but he seemed set on just giving me the journal and then leaving. He said he could come give me a goodbye hug. And he did. "This is probably the last time we'll ever see each" was the first thing he said upon arrival. When he came back later and pulled up in the same manner as before so I thought he was just going to give me a hug then get in his car and leave but we begin talking and actually stood outside for almost 2 hours. The time was filled with rehashing our mistakes, future plans (he's thinking of moving back overseas), hugging, tears (from me), and his kisses. He asked me before he kissed me, which I thought was sweet. I couldn't decline...even if he had smoked several cigarettes beforehand. He finally said he was going home to sleep and I stood on the sidewalk and watched his tail lights disappear into tiny red blotches that were almost non-existing .  

All Wednesday I thought about him. I thought that I had gotten good at pushing him out of my mind. I had almost convinced myself I was on the road to moving on but after seeing him, just for that first few minutes I knew I wasn't. I loved him as much as ever and seeing him again just made me miss him so much more. In the midst of my daze my friends impolitely reminded me that I had canceled my date with the potential slave on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. That was the 5th "date" I've canceled. I'm hoping my friends get the message that I don't want to be set up. I did talk to this slave because he was interesting and was a good conversationalist but emotionally I cannot have anyone else. It's still him. He's still the one. Thursday lulled by. I talked with my ex about what I was feeling and what I should do but of course no definite determination was decided. "Whatever happens happens" was his ending response.  

Thursday night I got a call from my former. He wanted to meet for drinks. He said he was bored and was looking for something to do. I agreed to meet him because he sounded lonely and I missed him, it was a win-win situation. At first at the bar we seemed to not really be there. We seemed outside of ourselves, viewing the tedious, polite conversation from above. It wasn't until we were on our 5th beer and 1st shot of vodka that things loosened up a bit. We got drunk. Really, really drunk. It felt like we were the only two people in the crowded bar. We laughed, we talked, we connected again. And there was honesty. Somehow it was decided that we go back to his place. I had never been before (this was something I desperately wanted before when we were together) so even in my drunken stupor I was excited. God only knows how I managed to drive to his apartment but I did...and all without crashing (please no hate comments on drunk driving, it's very bad I know I know). 

When we got there we continued making out as we had in the bar. As usual when I drink, my clothes starting coming off. I began biting him and tugging at his clothes. Naked in bed we talked some more and he asked me if I would stay the night. 

He said he didn't want me to leave. I wasn't planning on leaving...  

"What the fuck are we doing?" he asked me at some point.  

"What feels right" I replied.  

We cuddled, we kissed, he kissed me all over my body, we made love where be begged to fill me, and eventually we fell asleep in each other's arms. The sex was a somewhat primal, passionate, but needy act that didn't feel forced or wrong. It felt beautiful. Last night we weren't Mistress and slave...we were just him and me. He woke me up this morning with more kisses and more attempts at love making.

A girl could get use to waking up to this every morning...
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Wishlist Wednesday

I've realized that I spend a lot of time mindlessly surfing the net to look at the newest, most tantalizing, sexy items that I can find. I decided to share some of my favorites. I've named my lineup "Wishlist Wednesday"

Posture CollarI have a special place in my little Mistress heart for collars. Something about seeing any subbie of mine in a collar just gets me going. There's nothing like knowing that with one tug he'll be at my feet. I've been especially been drawn to the posture collars because I like their restraining ability and what it'll mean for getting a sub's attention.

Dildo/Strap-On Harness
So far in my years of practicing BDSM I have never used a strap-on on a sub. Crazy I know! This is a been a growing curiosity of mine that I can't wait to fulfill. I'm looking for something very similar to this harness.

Slut Paddle
Every slut needs to be reminded of their status...which is under my toe! I love this paddle because it's the gift that keeps on giving long after I've stopped spanking.
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Rent due in $pankings

I know I've been mentioning lately that the economy is really taking its toll on me. Unfortunately, my photography (BDSM and otherwise) only provides so much income. Hence the reason I have finally broken down and found a roommate. Yep. I am losing pretty much all the privacy that I currently have in exchange for renting out my living room. My apartment only consists of four rooms: living room, bedroom, kitchen, and I am essentially giving up 3/4 of my apartment. 

I have rented out the living room and will be sharing the bathroom and kitchen. For what it's worth my new roommate seems like a decent and chill person...I'm just hoping that I'll be able to last with such limited privacy for the 5 months that they'll be here. I've been scrambling around the house trying to gather all the naughty things that I can find and trying to figure a way to muffle the spanking sounds that usually echo from my bedroom. But one thing I just couldn't take down was this: I couldn't get rid of it all. Sheesh!
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The longer I am without BDSM the more I yearn for it. I unconvincingly have tried to lie to myself and say "You don't need this" but fuck it: I do. 

This is my life. 
This is who I am. 

For now anyway... 

Which is why I'm going to meet a new potential slave next week. I'm not doing this because I'm fully sure I am ready for another slave. But what I do know is that I want to be happy. I want to get over my former slave and most of all I just want to feel like myself again. I was thinking of attending a recent BDSM event but when I started talking to some of the attendees I was approached by a number of slaves, all looking for a Mistress that had my interests. 

Honestly, I couldn't face the idea of being swamped by slaves all vying for my attention. The idea alone seemed almost too much to go thru with. So I decided not to attend. But I need to move on. Every time I feel the urge to text him or call him or email him, I just try to remember that I'm the one that hurt him. I'm the one who made him cry. I can do no good for matter how much that hurts to admit. In the meantime I've been doing a lot of reading and a lot of refining to make sure the situation I caused a couple months ago does not happen again and most certainly won't mushroom into a cloud of displeasure. 

So far the things I know about the guy I am meeting next week, I am excited about. I also think the fact that he is 6'6 and I am 4'10 is completely mind-boggling (and a tad erotic). We share very similar interests, we've talked about some important deal breakers, we've even gone over our personal beliefs within and outside of BDSM and so far we haven't hit any road blocks. 

So, next week should be interesting to say the least...
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HNT #7

Legs, Legs, and more Legs

Back this week again with some more of my thick thighs, with a twist of heels. Enjoy!

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Put on a happy face...

I received the CB-6000 I ordered a while ago.

What's a cock cage without a cock?

I was really happy to have it but quickly realized that I didn't have anyone to cage up. No one to train, spank, tease and then so skillfully deny.
It's been about 10-15 days now without my former slave fully. Things are getting better but I am still having the bad dreams where I wake up calling his name apparently and not eating much. I feel like the least powerful Mistress there ever was right now. I'm usually good at getting over stuff and try, try, trying again but this feels slightly different. This was honestly my first try with a lot of things that I might have to rethink. I did things differently than I have the past 6 years.

It was my first time...
-Qusai dating my slave; or at least not being exclusive with him
-Having a boyfriend and a slave at the same time
-Not discussing the "dating/courting" period with my slave
-Picking a slave that I was both very physically and mentally attracted to
-Owning a slave younger than myself
-Taking a slave that had little to no extended experience with serving
-Training in sessions rather than as-we-go-along training

I might have to go back to the drawing board on this one to figure out what works for me. Obviously what's worked before was not what I was seeking or else I wouldn't have tweaked what I sought.

My friends are very eager to get me out of my sullen mood and back into the swing of things but I'm going to have to do that at my own pace. It's only been 2 weeks but that wound is still relatively new. I understand they just want to see me happy and I suppose I will find that in my own time. I've been running thru my mind over and over again just realizing what mistakes were made this time around and even though I know they cannot be undone I'd at least like to learn from them. 

In short I suppose what I am looking for in my next slave endeavor is:
-A person who won't mind a poly relationship/play (should I choose to engage in one)
-Someone to be honest with, I must know they will be reasonable and rational with me
-A slave with more experience (real-time experience is a must)
-A common bond that will allow us to respect each other at all times
-Someone I will appreciate fully (both on and offline)
-A very open-minded individual with whom I can explore and experience new fetishes
-Someone who can communicate on all levels, vanilla and non-vanilla
-Someone who realizes our BDSM relationship may not always be fair but it will always be respected

I'm going to strive to build a better foundation on the next BDSM relationship I enter into. I will make sure to be open, honest, and forthcoming with my dealings.
So maybe lucky number 10?
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TMI Tuesday #194

I've missed a few but these seemed interesting!

1. Where was the first place you ever had sex?
In my bedroom as a teenager. My parents were actually home and sleeping at the time...though it was 2am after all.

2. How often do you lie?
Apparently more often than I think. But on the flipside sometimes I am charmingly honest.

3. If you could only be one, would you rather be smart or good looking?
Definitely smart. I think good looking people might be given more opportunities to prove themselves but it's the smart people who usually end up making a difference.
(And even though I say "definitely" so confidently I did hesitate because I have gotten many breaks due to my looks)

4. Have you ever passed out or suffered memory loss from drinking too much?
I have passed out and had memory loss from drinking 3 times. The first time it was really scary and I didn't want to do it again but somehow I've managed to =/

5. Top or bottom?
Depends on what we're talking about *winkwink*
Sex: top
Cheerleading pyramid: bottom

Bonus: Do you have any catalogs for toys/videos/lingerie delivered to your home?
No. I usually order online or go to the place I'd like to get those things.

TMI Tuesdays

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