Rant: Once you go black...

There is a phenomenon that I have noticed within the BDSM community that I cannot stay quiet about any longer. It's something that makes me stick out like a sore thumb at events, on websites, and even among fellow kinksters.

Being black.

Technically I'm mixed but I'm brown-skinned therefore most people just assume I am black.
I've noticed that I rarely come across black Dommes and even rarer are the black submissives.

My mother raised me to not judge others by the color of their skins. She'd often say, "I don't care if you have a friend who is blue, if they treat you nice that's all that matters." I have tried to live by this and like to think that my dating record shows that, it looks much like a United Benton ad campaign.

But when I stepped into the BDSM realm six years ago I realized I was a scarce minority. For the most part this has not been a problem. But on occasion it has been brought to my attention in a polite (and not so polite) way.
The few black Dommes that I do know are older...much older, most of them over 40. 
It made me wonder why is there such a lack of minority within this community?

I have my theories. One being that many of the black people I have encountered are quite religious. They aim to be a righteous folk, failing in many of the same areas of other religious people regardless of color, but they try none the less. I believe a lot of what BDSM has to offer would be looked upon as "heathen acts" or just down right sinning. There may also be some negative connotations about being "submissive" or a "slave" tied to BDSM due to their historical notions. And I do notice that black males are more apt to joining up with the scene. Not to mention the undaunted fact that many black people I know are un-accepting of something that is new, different, or strange. If it falls into any of those categories it can stay outside, in the streets, where it belongs.

I've gotten from a few black friends the rudely asked question: "What's wrong with you?" As if to say: You seemed normal growing up.

It's not even a question, since I don't believe they sincerely care about my answer. It's moreso a statement of incredulous disbelief that they shared string cheese with moi, this now crazy bitch. They let this leather clad monster in their home. Heck, they even told this whip wielding sex fiend some of their secrets. But mostly, I think they feel dirty when they ask this. They wonder how could they have ever considered me a friend?
I always assure them that there isn't anything wrong with me, that I am very physically and mentally sound and that this is something that I am choosing to do. But their wide eye, sideways glances tell me they think I am most definitely, not okay, and that I do have a few screws loose.

Then the next statement is what makes me want to groin kick some people.

"Oh, it must be a white thing." I hate this!
Why does something that doesn't make sense have to be tied to a certain race? Why can't it just be a "human thing" that they are too personally dense to grasp? The racial comments tied to my involvement with BDSM will not fade anytime soon I'm sure but I just wanted to make others aware that it is an issue. I like to believe that education and explanation is really the best policy for informing the general populace.
Submerging into BDSM has not always been an easy path to take. I've weeded out the close-minded minions that I knew, tried to remain ambiguous in my sexual desires, and generally stopped giving a fuck what people thought but at times it still irks me that things are the way that they are.
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In _____ we trust

Being lead on a collar and leash
Foot worship
Anal training

All of these things require a certain level of trust.

As many of you may (or may not) remember the trust lines between my new bf (who is also the last slave) are few and far. We each have our reasons for feeling the way that we do, that cannot be denied but as we laid in bed and talked this week the subject of when we would resume our roles as Mistress and slave in this relationship came up.

When will we have built enough trust to do the things we desire?

It's mostly on his part since I am the "offending" party. He has to feel that he can trust me again before I can do any of the deliciously, sometimes harmful-in-a-good way, things to him. As always I'm gung-ho to put the past behind me and keep on truckin'. That's usually my motto. I'm an avid believer of what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I know it's just my opinion and he can take as long as he likes before he decides to call me "Mistress" again. But when he said 7 or 8 months was an off the wall number he was thinking my heart sank. Seven to eight months with no continuous BDSM play?

Of course I can handle this. I have before in the past with strictly vanilla relationships and he's definitely worth it...I was just sorta shocked. It's been almost 3 months now with no continuous BDSM play, just spurts here and there and it's killing me! I love all the urges that BDSM has inside me that make my heart pound against my chest.

For instance, he simply was telling me a list of all the things he missed doing for me BDSM-wise and my panties got wet. That's just from talking about it! I know, I'm being selfish here. I have to respect his wishes and I will. I just feel something vital is missing from who we are when we do not act on this.

We have a very powerful connection to one another, that I simply cannot explain. I've never really felt like this toward someone before, this is the single thread tying me to this one place to be with him. I would like to see where our journey ends, or for how long it continues. This is what makes me positive that we should be together for the time being. Our trials and tribulations have made us what we are today. This is the reason I choose to suppress my BDSM urges for him. Don't get me wrong, I am a more frequent viewer of femdomchamber than I ever have been, I think about BDSM more than I care to admit and I try not to gaze at my whip longingly while I am idle in my room. It comes and it goes, this urge I often speak of. But the desire is always there, no matter how quieted. I know that when the time is right we will start to practice BDSM again.

I just wonder how does one go about maximizing the amount of trustworthiness they are projecting? And how can I perfect this fine gesture?
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Can't spell 'insomnia' without 'I'

I've really got to stop blogging when I'm in a fuckingchristdidthatreallyhappen mood, which seems to be often as of late.

I started a new job this week, so far I'm just settling in but it's doable. I've been seeing the new bf on and off all week between hanging out with friends. We managed to spend a whopping 4 hours together this week.

Some things are moving and shaking around here, the roommate I mentioned getting two months ago is being evicted by me and this has made me get down about looking for a replacement. I hate looking for roommates and it usually proves to be more headache than it's usually worth. Therefore, I've been contemplating moving myself into an apartment with other roommates. Sometimes it's nice to be the landlord but other times I definitely miss the simplicity of just handing over rent money to someone else to take care of.

As it has stood all this month I've been waiting on other people before I make a decision.

I was waiting to see if the current roommate was going to pay rent on time or move out...he paid late and is being evicted.

I was waiting to hear if a friend from cross-country moving to the area was going to rent my room...but he didn't.

I showed the room to a guy who said everything shy of "I'll take it!" and was waiting to hear back from him last weekend...but didn't hear anything.

But most importantly, I was waiting to hear from the new bf on whether or not he was going to move in with me.

We have discussed this pretty in depth (and have the notion planted solely because he rekindled that fire), not forgetting to mention the pros and cons of doing so. When we talked about it yesterday he said a phrase that made me feel special.

He said, "If you aren't there at night, I won't feel comfortable sleeping in our bed alone."

I started thinking, our bed, our home, our clothes, our rules...but how foolish of me.

I think he said it without realizing that he had said 'ours' in such a way it made me feel loved. Just for a tiny second I felt my heart flutter.

Few people have wanted to "share" anything with this Mistress.

But today, which was our pre-planned decision day, he tells me that he can't make a decision.

[Insert mini-heart stomping]

I told him that I wouldn't hold it against him if he said he couldn't or just didn't want to live me. And I wouldn't. But I feel like not making a decision at all is asinine. I would rather hear "No" as opposed to the silence of wish-washy indecisiveness.

He asked for another week to decide. And whether or not I agreed to give him another week to decide he will do whatever works for him and I will do whatever works for me.

Frankly, I'm tired of waiting for other people to make a decision. I'm just going to do what works best for Mistress L and everything will either work out or go horribly horribly wrong.

I guess it's back to my empty bed...

T-Minus 3 Days
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What do those Greeks know anyway

Serendipity: the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something entirely unrelated

I'm starting to loathe the very mention of such preposterous notions. I swear if I hear one more piece of bountiful good news I just might scream. I suppose that my general lack of overall pleasantries within my own relationship has made me a tad bitter.

Exhibit 1: I found out last night that a guy I use to crush on (and fool around with) is going to propose. To whom? Oh, just a woman he's known 30 days from Russia. You know he had the balls to describe her as "patient", which is a virtue he says he's looking for in a lifelong partner. Funny how he forgot I waited a year for him in terms of dating...

Exhibit 2: Then another gentleman that I fooled around with (see a pattern here) and had a lot of feelings for sprung on me that he has "serendipitously" found a girl who lived across the hall from him at a bar in another town. Yip-fucking-pe.

Exhibit 3: That coupled with the other guy I knew marrying the eHarmony Ho...it's too much. I don't know if it's a) the fact that I have a hard time believing in true love due to my overly realistic nature, b) the realization that every time a relationship of mine was to be heading that way after years of work, kar-plunk!, c) my innate idea that I'll probably never get married, or d) if I'm just in a cranky mood but I'm just fed up with this Hallmark shit.

I often worry that I'm going to end up the scary old lady on the block with 9 cats, who all the kids avoid while trick-or-treating because they think I put needles in apples.

These things don't help me steer clear of that haha.

I know this sounds all like jealousy, that you're probably all reading going, "Mistress L, you're just jealous." But, honestly I'm not. I'm just confused by how quickly this all seems to happen to everyone and their Mother except me. And that statistically speaking it should be my turn by now, even if I reject it?

But, this might be why I have gravitated towards BDSM relationships. Especially with the contracts and rituals, I feel more comfortable because I know what I'm getting. There's not too many unforeseen surprises (generally speaking) and everyone knows what to expect and whose role is whose.

Outside of BDSM all my vanilla relationships have been epic failures. And magically I'm always the one getting the fuzzy end of the Popsicle stick.

This all makes me ask myself: Have I been using BDSM to avoid a broken heart? Or just relationships in general? Is BDSM my "shield" against the vanilla world? Do I give too much physical before getting any emotional in return?

I'd like to think it's not and that I use BDSM to hone the desires that I already have and to mold them into something positive, a direct result that both parties can benefit from.

I suppose only time will really tell...
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I cheated again...

I went to a live concert somewhere in the area to see a band I've been wanting to see. I was doing the usual thing with my Press Pass, getting close to the band and standing in "off-limits" areas. I gotta admit sometimes it's nice to be privileged.

The band isn't particularly good but they've got great stage presence, energy, and most of they're easy on the eyes. The 5 of them seem to have a more than friendly rapport and they go for the goofy antics to make the crowd forget the singer is losing his voice, the drummer is off-beat, and that all their jeans are really, really tight...which isn't a bad thing when you're looking thru a 55mm lens (if you know what I mean).

Thirty minutes into their set they've come to realize when they come near my end of the stage I start flashing pictures of them, so they start to ham it up. At one point they start mock humping each other and the "bottom" guy winks at me.

I look around bashfully to see if anyone has really noticed but honestly, this show is filled with a bunch of scene kids between the ages of 16-19 and they're either making out with their partner or moshing, definitely not paying attention to an old shutterbug in the corner.

Finally, it's nearing the end of the show and the guys are all sweaty, shirts clinging to their thin frames, hair tussled all over their faces, and best of all they are breathless. I can't help staring at the lead guitarist once the crowd scatters because his guitar is still hanging on his hip and he's absent-mindely stroking the neck. It is a very phallic instrument.

"You like the guitar?" he asks, breaking me from my trance.

I guess he didn't realize that I was looking just a tad lower than the guitar but I humor him. "Yeah, it's nice, what kind is it?" I ask this even though I don't care. But, he's got a great smile and he chose to talk to me instead of one of the jailbait hotties.

"It's a Serj Tankian Signature Model T5," he states very proudly. This time he really grabs the neck of the guitar and strokes a few chords.

"I'm taking that as a good brand?" I say with a laugh.

"You could say that," he says as he turns around and begins talking to the other band members.

I sit at a nearby table for a while and I start to scroll thru the 300-some photos I've taken over the course of the show. Some are hit some are really miss.

"Ahh so you were looking at my crotch," someone whispers in my ear from behind me.

I jump a little startled and start to stammer, "Well, see...I didn't..."

It's the guitarist from earlier and he starts to laugh as he points to the digital picture in the frame of the camera I'm holding.

"Oh, that!" I say with relief. I honestly thought he had caught me being naughty earlier. "It's hard not to get some random leg and crotch shots when I'm lower than you guys on stage." I explain.

He laughs at my admission. We begin to idly chat about the show, the fans, where they get their material, other bands we both like, and everything in between. We've been talking for a good 20 minutes now before a fellow band member reminds that he's suppose to be helping break down the set.

"I'm sorry, they're calling me and I guess I can't keep talking to you just to stare at your breasts, but I'd love to hang out more after this if you don't mind waiting." He ask this in such a sheepish manner I can barely muster anything close to a "No". So I just nod.

As he walks away I start to get nervous. I start wondering what the hell I'm doing and where this will go. Before I can contemplate any more of my internal struggle he walks back over and simply says, "Follow me."

He leads me out the back way and I realize that we're heading out to the back parking lot. Once out the back door of the venue I see two tour buses and he's making a beeline for one. When we arrive he opens up the door and calls out, "Anybody here?" and waits for an answer.

"Guess we've got the bus to ourselves for a bit," he says this with a sly grin.

My camera starts to feels like a thousand pounds suddenly on my arm and I set it down on a nearby table. Just as I removing my hand from the piece of equipment he grabs my hand and places it on his "equipment". It's hot and it's hard.

"See what you've done to me," he asks.

I look up at him. A million things are running thru my mind but he leans down and kisses me. We start to kiss each other hard and tumble onto a tiny, bus-size loveseat. I bang my knee but hardly notice as he is ravishing any part of my breasts that are exposed. I moan a little between his lips and he grinds his hips into me. I reach down and start to fumble with the buttons on his jeans before he takes my hand away and in one swift movement is fully exposed now. I feel the hotness of his cock pressed against my leg as he lifts my skirt and parts my panties. He slides in and the slickness of my pussy allows for no friction at all.

We are fucking. Legs up, eyes shut, mouth open---fucking.

Then I hear from behind him, "What the fuck?! I thought there was no sex on the tour bus! That's what the contract says!"

He stops pumping me and now I can see it's a fellow band mate who has walked onto the bus undetected (probably from my moans).

"Dude I know, but..." he starts to explain before he is cut off.

"I could have fucked that blonde two days ago if I had known we were breaking the rules!" the band mate says frantically.

"Well maybe she won't mind helping you out," he turns to look at me as he says this.

I nod. "Sure if you want a blow job I can do that" I say matter of factually.

He looks perturbed. "I've got a tongue ring" I add quickly.

Now he smiles. "Okay, that sounds fair," he says as he walks over to where we are, cock already half coming out of his pants.

It isn't long before I'm sucking and fucking (and with good accuracy might I add), when we hear the door opening to the bus again. We try to compose ourselves but it's too late.

This is another band mate, the youngest of the bunch. He stands in the stairwell of the bus speechless.

"I want sex on the tour bus," is his first sentence.

I go to remove the cock from my mouth but the guy holds my head in place as he says "Sorry man, we...umm...we got carried away, just don't say anything, we'll be done here in a minute."

"I want sex on the tour bus, this isn't fair," this time he's pouting.

"Dude, she only has 2 holes, they're occupied right now, maybe some other time." The guy inside of my pussy says.

I start to mumble but can't get my words out pass the cock in my mouth.

"What, what did she say?" one of them asks the other. I sigh and just hold up 3 fingers.

They look at each other for a few minutes and then the guitarist says, "Oh yeah! She does have 3 holes!"

There's a glimmer of hope for the youngster and he starts to take off his semi-sweaty shirt but then a cell phone starts to ring.

Everyone freezes but it's getting louder and louder. Is anyone going to answer that I wonder. Now it's getting really loud and I realize it's my cell phone ringtone. And in an instant I'm woken up.

I am breathing heavy, my blankets are twisted around me like I was a living tornado and my phone is ringing. It was just a dream...all of it was just a dream. I sigh with relief knowing that nothing bad has happened and I'm just overly horny with no release. I make a mental note that I definitely need to learn how to masturbate more.

***Note to readers: This was a pretty intense dream but I didn't remember everything exactly as it was written, most certainly not all the dialogue. I remembered the major points and I went from there and filled in the gaps combining my writing and story-telling skills. Hope you enjoyed!***
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Want to play a game?

That's what the new bf whispered to me tonight while we were lying in bed tonight. We had just winded down an intense ten minutes of biting and scratching and dry humping and he sounded almost out of breath with his question. 

"What kind of game," I asked him playfully. 

"A game where you're a Mistress and I'm a slave" he responded. 

This was said with no hesitation at all on his part. I thought before answering: Are we ready for this? Honestly even though the month has only begun he has been having a streak of bad luck; two broken cars, work stress, family issues, broken laptop...and today a bad haircut was added to the list. As he quizzed me on where his collar and leash were I realized he not only really wanted this, he needed it. The more we talked about it the more I realized this might help him de-stress a bit. And I can't lie and say I wasn't eager to resume my rightful role as his Mistress. 

"You're only my slave while the collar is on and you know the safety word. When the collar is off we'll be done," I reminded him as I fished out his collar and leash from my sex toy box. 

He nodded eagerly with his hands already clasped behind his back. I immediately ordered him to strip. He did this in a flash. Then I put the collar and leash on him. It fit like an old glove and I made him model it for me before he got on his knees. Oh, the sight of him back on his knees again was almost too much but I played it cool. 

"Bend over and put your hands on the couch!" I ordered. He did as he was told.

"Last night your Mistress was horny. So horny and you were not here to please her," I said this as I begin to spank his ass. 

He moaned and squealed. "Thank you Mistress," were the only words he needed to say. 

I tugged on his leash between his legs as I alternated between spanking him and biting his thighs. 

Okay, okay, I am officially ready to admit I have an oral fixation. I made him finger me and God was I wet. I made him put his face between my thighs and then I closed them tightly around his head. I could feel him wiggling his tongue and rubbing his lips against my pussy under my panties. 

"May I touch my Mistress?" he asked when I finally let him up for air. I shook my head and said, "No, ask me again later." 

Between the fingering and the teasing of his face I was getting too worked up so I made him get back on his knees then I pulled his leash taunt. He was now close to my face when I commanded him to open his mouth. I spit in his mouth and just as he was swallowing I slapped him in the face. 

"Thank you Mistress," were again his words. 

My head was reeling. I love seeing submission in action more than anything and hearing him thank me for something others might want to punch me for turned me on. The techno music in the background was almost in time when I continued with my spankings as I heard the lyrics: "I don't mean to when I hurt you. But I need you, I can show you." What was this song that was randomly playing? 

I placed clothespins on his nipples, then on his balls, tied him up with his own leash, I spanked him some more, I even found myself caressing him at some point (something I rarely did when we were only Mistress/slave). But, eventually my desires got the best of me and I made him get the dildo. This time I did cum with it. Then I told him afterward that I wanted to see him cum for me and he obeyed like a good boy. After what I would describe as our session, he asked me how he did and if I liked it. We talked about it some and that felt good because we never really did that before. He said what was I thinking which was, he would like us to have both BDSM and vanilla in our relationship, not just one or the other. 

I'm hoping we can find a fitting balance for us. I have to admit I've been feeling a bit selfish lately. He has family in town from overseas (they've been here since July) and they are scheduled to be living in about 10 days. We don't get to spend much time together on a daily basis just an hour or two here and there, and always late in the evening. I'm beginning to feel like the ugly step-child here who can only come out once all the normal folks go off to bed but I realize he's being a good host, son, and brother and once they leave I'll have him all to myself again. 

But really, patience is NOT a virtue of mine. Not to mention I found out last night an old fling of mine just tied the knot with some eHarmony Ho. So, I'm feeling a bit dejected but trying to think positively... 

So anyway the positive---the countdown has begun: T Minus-10 Days
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My new best friend Astroglide

Last weekend proved to be interesting to say the least. I've come to the conclusion that the new bf and I cannot lay in bed together without some fondling, some teasing, some biting, and just general hanky panky taking place. If I didn't know any better I'd forget that we see each other nearly everyday. Sunday started out innocently enough. 

The light caressing, the tiny kisses along the outline of my body, light tongue flickers. He's getting better at getting me wound up. As he nears my ass (have I mentioned how much I enjoy having my ass played with?) I start arching up. I know that he loves this view, as he is not shy of telling me. He spreads my pussy open from behind; a sure way to make me insta-wet and he begins to kiss again along the outline of my ass. He's driving me crazy now and he knows it. 

This is the perfect opportunity for him: "Can I fuck you in the ass tonight?" he whispers in my ear from behind as he grinds his hard, clothed cock up against me. 

Before I know what I've said the word "Yes" has escaped my mouth. 

Being a woman of my word, there is no going back now (unless it's my back door). I am slightly anti-lube, as I believe it takes away from the feeling of anal. So, now that I am thoroughly wet and panting like a bitch in heat he gets on top of me and spreads my legs open. He positions his cock at the entrance of my pussy and slips in with such ease that I gasp in for air, shocked by the feeling of being stuffed with hard cock. We do this for a bit before I go start to down on him. I love sucking cock, I've been told it's somewhat my specialty, so I proceed to thoroughly run my pierced tongue around the head of his cock. He moans in ecstasy and I start to suck harder and faster now, being careful to pull his balls a little each time I come up. He squirms under me and I start to kiss my way back up to his nipples. These are my new favorite biting spots. I lick around the left one and kiss it slowly before quickly biting it hard, he squeals. I feel like a snake who has stalked and struck their prey before they know what's happened. It's a good feeling that courses thru me as I hover over him. I lick his lips. 

"Can you please spit in my mouth?" he asks. 

"No" I state. "Please, please" he begs again. 

"Ask me in Arabic," I reply. 

It turns me own immensely to hear him speak his native language. Especially in bed. Sometimes when I get really into sex I start speaking in one of the 6 languages I know, I'm a bit of a linguist you could say, so hearing him speak something other than English is very hot. He utters a phrase in Arabic. I hop on top of his cock now and situate myself on him so that he is balls deep inside me. 

"Again" I say as I ride him slowly using my hand on his chest for leverage. 

This time his response is more breathy and the words seem to tumble out of his mouth over and over. 

"Open your mouth" I say in my most sultry voice. 

He opens his mouth for me and I lean down to kiss his lips before spitting in his mouth. He moans and I can feel his cock swelling inside of me. I slip off of him after whispering "I'm ready" into his ear. I lay down on my side and I feel him enter me slowly. We talked about anal a few nights prior and I told him explicitly that he would have to listen to me completely. I hate when guys get showy cause they're fucking you in the ass and think they can go wild with it, not slowing down or easing up when you request so. He has agreed that he will listen to me while we do this. 

His head slowly starts to penetrate me. It's a little rough at first so I grab the ever faithful Astroglide and apply just a few drops to his cock. He slides in as if his cock were meant for my ass. We start off slowly but quickly pick up the pace. I know that my moaning at 3am is loud and that my roommate will possibly hear me but honestly I don't give a fuck at this point. I am being fucked in the ass proper and can't think of much else. Somehow I end up on top of him with his dick still in my ass and this is my absolute favorite! I love being skewered on a cock like this. He starts bouncing me up and down on his cock and I tell him that he can finally fill my ass since he has been good and kept stopping (to prolong the sex) as he got close to orgasm. He tries to fill me but cannot, and honestly I don't give him much time. 

I begin laughing and say "Oh well". 

He says he just needs longer and I tell him that it doesn't matter now, he has had his chance and blown it (but not literally). We continue on this way as I banter him about what would have happened... 

"All that cum you have inside of you, just waiting to explode inside me. I love having my ass filled with cum," I quip. 

"Please don't tease me," he says aloud. 

I laugh. "Oh I bet you have so much cum that I wouldn't have been able to hold it all. It would've ran out of my tight ass and down my thighs," I say, this time I say this as I grind harder on his cock still in my ass. He starts to request if he may fill my ass now. But I decline. 

I say very sternly, "Do not cum in my ass!"  

He begs more. 

As much as I love his begging I command him not to cum. This time I tell him that maybe next time when I say fill me that he will do so without hesitating and I continue with more teasing.  

"Please that's not fair," he says somewhat pouting. 

He's right. It's not fair. So I get off his cock (since he's not going to be cumming now). I tell him that I want to cum and he gets the dildo that I love so much I have named it. But I stop him. We already have the lube out and I want to try something.  

"Will you try to fist me?" I ask him.  

"Yes baby," is all he says.

I tell him we should start off slow as he slips one finger inside me. By the third I stop him and tell him it's getting too tight and decide to lube up his hand. When he reaches back inside me this time his whole hand nearly slides in. He wiggles his fingers inside me and this makes me growl out my pleasure. He stops for a minute for more lube and I look down at the sheets. It's soaking wet. 

"Is that you?" I ask skeptically. 

"No, honey, I didn't cum remember...that's all you," he replies back with a slight smile before he starts to laugh.  

It's times like this I enjoy having a sexual relationship with him. He can be sweet, dirty, rough, but more importantly he can keep his sense of humor when needed. Needless to say I was tired after the sex session but I am glad that he was my first fisting experience. 

This is definitely something that I will be trying again because who doesn't love an "extra helping hand"!
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