The polycule breakdown

As many of my readers know I am involved in a polyamorous relationship. There's me in the eye of the storm, my vanilla boyfriend, Locs, my bf turned kinky play partner, and now the newest addition of my beautiful puppy. It's a lot to handle at times...sometimes too much to handle.

When puppy came to visit from overseas I spoke with everyone individually to ensure that everyone was okay. I spent time and effort prepping everyone for what it I thought it might be like with another person and was more than open to suggestions, questions, concerns or just sharing reassuring hugs.

What transpired while he visited was nothing short of a shit show including first class tears, hurt feelings, insecurities rearing their ugly heads, mean words, and a small but scary mental breakdown. This was highly unexpected but I dealt with everything the best I could. However, when push came to poly shove what was left was a broken relationship between Locs and myself. Our communication had broken down, he had some things he was unsure about and to be honest the kinky play between us had been growing smaller and smaller (the reason I went searching in the first place and found puppy) and we decided to take a break.

Fast forward to my continued presence in London---after a 10 day trip turned into months and when we looked back in retrospect we agreed that perhaps poly wasn't for him. Even though I was (and still am) deeply hurt to be losing someone I have called a best friend for the last three years, I'm a little relived he finally got the message. I care about him very much but I have said since the beginning that maybe he wasn't built for poly, sadly that has proven to be true.

To be fair in my 10 years of poly-dating I've learned a few things that I thought I'd share for those thinking about, beginning, in the middle of, or even ending a poly relationship that I've found to be helpful.

  • Poly is not for the faint of heart.
    • If you have a lot of anxiety, insecurities, doubts, and other introspective thoughts that plague you often they will be magnified in a poly setup. Be sure to take care of yourself personally first and foremost.
  • Don't make your feelings everyone's responsibility.
    • Seriously, don't. It's very selfish. That's not to say your partner(s) can't make you happy or sad or be there for you but don't let them be the sole source of your emotions. You have to find ways to ground yourself and also be your own support system when necessary.
  • Communication is key.
    • Talk to your partner(s) to let them know what you're feeling. Even if you think you know how they'll respond, they aren't mind readers, they may not know you're feeling the way that you are unless you speak up. This goes double for if you're feeling your needs are not being met and you're not able to figure it out on your own.
  • Honesty is always always, always, always the best policy.
    • I'm not explaining this. If you can't be honest with someone, you don't deserve them, poly or otherwise.
  • Establish rules.
    • I know some poly relationships don't like a bunch of rules and guidelines but I really think it helps to establish boundaries. Sometimes what someone considers flirting someone else will consider just talking. Making out with someone you met at a club might be okay for you but your partner(s) might feel you need to discuss it beforehand. You won't know until you ask. Save yourself some headaches.
  • Long distance sucks.
    • Long distance relationships usually suck in general. Now take that and add a person you know your partner(s) is spending quality time with. Double that sucky feeling. See first button for more details.
  • Be safe.
    • This sounds easy. You have your partner(s) and you are safe with them and hope they are safe with anyone else. I've found that it's easy to forget that I have multiple partners when I share food or drink with friends, forgetting that I will be interacting with more than one person. I don't want to put others at risk for germs or illnesses (sorry I gave you strep throat!) so I forgo sharing things and having unprotected sex with new partners for a pre-determined amount of time.
  • There is no "perfect" poly
    • Everyone does poly a little differently. I have some friends who have poly partners in other countries, some who only date virtually, and some who all live together. Everyone defines it differently. Don't try to model your poly after anyone else's, just do what works for you.
  • NRE (New Relationship Energy) is real.
    • And it's very easy to get swept up in. Remember the feeling you get when you first meet someone and you just want to spend every day with them? You love their face, their voice, you're glowing whenever you think of them. This happens in most new relationships, however in poly relationships it can be an odd situation to watch someone you care about go on and on about much they like/love this new person. Try to keep a grip on how NRE affects you and your partner(s) so you don't potentially hurt anyone's feelings. Also curb any partner comparison during this period.
  • Be flexible.
    • You are sharing your time, money, effort, and perhaps space with more than one person. It's easy to think that things must always be done a certain way but being inflexible to your partner(s) needs is one of the quickest way to damage a poly relationship. Don't be scared to make compromises or try something a different way if it'll make you or your partner(s) happy. A little effort goes a long way sometimes.
  • Know thyself.
    • Only you know truly know what's in your heart of hearts. The polyamorous lifestyle is not for everyone, and I don't recommend it for everyone. Look within yourself if you feel unhappy, find out if it's the right dynamic for you. If it's not, if you're unable to do poly in a comfortable way for you internally, then don't delay in sharing this with your partner(s). You both will be happiest when you're being honest with one another.
I'm sure there are tons more I could say about poly relationships but these seem to be the same issues that crop up time and time again. Some, or none, of these might help you so use them as you wish. And for anyone else going through a breakup, time is a good healer of most wounds...

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The secret life of a sub

She gives me a stern look while we sit on the couch.

I wait for corrective action in the form of a face slap, a forceful pinch, or a swift but deliberate pull of my hair but it doesn't come. I look around and see my friends are still talking, oblivious to my darkened thoughts.

Since Mistress arrived in the UK just over a month ago life has been a quite different. I live in a house with 3 other guys who I went to university with, all of whom have no idea about my kinky side. Before I met Mistress this has been extremely easy secret to keep hidden. When I learned Mistress was going to be staying with me for an extended period of time I was honestly a little nervous. 

'Would they find out?' 
'Would I be able to act vanilla around them 
'Would I be able to act vanilla around her?'
'Would she be able to do the same?' 

My Mistress isn't like most dommes and spends a lot of time asking me to share my thoughts. She loves saying, 'Your thoughts belong to me' and often it does feel like that. So we had a conversation about these questions and I felt a bit better but I wouldn't actually know until she arrived. I didn't want her to feel unwanted but I did want to share my concerns. 

Fortunately my Mistress is pretty awesome, and when in vanilla mode, is able to come across as the perfect girlfriend. Having Mistress live with me has been exciting, fulfilling but also at times nerve wracking or frustrating. I often wake up in rope, or with her hands around my throat, in my new Holy Trainer chastity device and one night even to light CBT, all without being able to verbally express myself through screams, whimpers, or moans!

I know that when Mistress is here, or when I'm at her side I am a better all round person. She helps me, she pushes me to be the best at everything I do. She makes me happy, she makes me laugh, she cuddles me when I need to be held, and spanks me when I need to be punished. She makes sure I dress well, makes sure I eat right and makes sure I remember my place, and always strives to make me a better submissive and a better person.

I do believe that the relationship dynamic we have is quite clear, and I'd be surprised if my friends hadn't noticed something. I do not believe they know she is my Mistress and I am her puppy, but they may think something is a little different about us. The way I jump to her every command, even small things like ‘Make me a cup of tea’. At first I thought this may bother me, but it really hasn't. They also may have noticed the sounds of spankings or beatings in the evenings. We often don't play till late at night, but living in a house with paper thin walls can have its problems I guess.

It has also been slightly frustrating. Sometimes when I get home from a long day at work I want to just kneel at her feet and bark for her as loudly as I can. Sometimes I want to beg her to beat me, or to walk around on all 4’s on her leash. This obviously isn't possible, except for in the rare moments we get the house to ourselves. We make up for this for making the most of having the house to ourselves, and going away on the weekends to various kink events, where we are able to play, and we are able to express ourselves.

Why it is being kinky such a taboo?

I really don't think my friends would understand if I tried to explain to them I am her puppy and she is my Mistress, and that we have this relationship, and still love each other very much. I think they would think I was weird, or strange, and not the person they thought they knew. Of course I could never actually know them without ‘coming out’ as kinky but this just isn't something I think I, or they, would be ready for.

Ultimately though having Mistress here living with me for the past month has made me so happy, so overjoyed that each morning I am able to wake up next to her, look her in eye and say ‘I love you Mistress’. I now only hope that I am able to do for a long time going forward.

She is my Mistress, I am her puppy. As long as she is happy, I am happy.

Edited by Natali Noir
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