The unhappy domme
It's been exactly 110 days since my puppy and I arrived back from the UK and I can't believe time has passed so quickly.
He started his second segment of training a few weeks after arriving and while we started out like a freight train, we're having a little trouble getting over the bumps we've reached. In short, I'm unhappy with our progress.
Taking on a 24/7 role in D/s has been an awakening for me. I'm not ashamed to say I'm guilty of living in a fantasy. I've always dreamed of having a real life, real time dynamic that afforded me to have a willing and obedient individual at my every beck and call. I never thought this would be that dream. I also never thought I wouldn't be enjoying it 100% of the time. In my fantasy I held this submissive captive, locked away from the world until I was ready to use them. They had the cleaning skills of Mr. Clean, the cooking ingenuity of Betty Crocker, and they loved serving endlessly, tirelessly, and without need of any motivation or reward. How very selfish, vacuous and extremely benighted I was.
Being a full time, live-in 24/7 domme is hard. It's like being a motivational speaker for a team who sometimes doesn't realize they have a game. I must always toe the line, put on the brave front and run into battle head held high...at least it feels like that sometimes. Now there are other factors such as having a full time job, an additional poly partner, social engagements and other obligations that obviously bog down my free time and prevent me from being stress-free but at my core I am a dominant. I like being in charge. I like controlling most aspects of my life and having an influential say in the lives around me.
This training program has taught me more about myself than I ever thought it would. Not, that I thought I knew it all, but I thought I had a good grasp on what being a 24/7 D/s couple would entail.
I did not.
I've realized I'm nit-picky and more 'Type A' than I wanted to admit. I don't accept that others do things differently and sometimes less efficiently than I would. I'm confrontational without wanting an argument. I tend to shoulder more responsibility in situations than I reasonably should or have to. I get lost in thought on things I can't change and overanalyze those that I can. I forget to relax when it's time to do so and I shift "me time" around so much Google calendar can't even find it. I'm impatient yet sometimes unwilling to complete a task. I'm an alpha, short fused, stressor who is competitively driven in most aspects. All the warning signs while feverishly writing a 15 week training program start to finish in 12 days should've raised a flag. On paper and in my mind I had training all figured out and didn't plan for any hiccups, bumps, or other inconsistencies.
"Of course it would be perfect" I thought to myself.
But it's not and I have to learn that it's okay. I've been so fixated on my very patient and caring puppy's imperfections that I've been blind to all of my own. I've tried to pass them off as "every dominant wants what they want", which is true but not an excuse for my lack of introspective growth and poor time management.
He is still my boy.
He is still my pet.
He is still my lover.
He is still my everything.
Even if he can't cook all the things I like, clean as spotlessly as I would, kneel for as long as I would like, or take a beating as harsh as I "dreamed' of giving, the effort he puts in to do so means something. I need to make the effort to see devotion and love he shows when they're staring me in the face. The most important lesson I've needed re-iterated through training is that he is a person. He isn't meant to be perfect. But that certainly doesn't mean he isn't good enough to be mine someday.
He started his second segment of training a few weeks after arriving and while we started out like a freight train, we're having a little trouble getting over the bumps we've reached. In short, I'm unhappy with our progress.
Taking on a 24/7 role in D/s has been an awakening for me. I'm not ashamed to say I'm guilty of living in a fantasy. I've always dreamed of having a real life, real time dynamic that afforded me to have a willing and obedient individual at my every beck and call. I never thought this would be that dream. I also never thought I wouldn't be enjoying it 100% of the time. In my fantasy I held this submissive captive, locked away from the world until I was ready to use them. They had the cleaning skills of Mr. Clean, the cooking ingenuity of Betty Crocker, and they loved serving endlessly, tirelessly, and without need of any motivation or reward. How very selfish, vacuous and extremely benighted I was.
Being a full time, live-in 24/7 domme is hard. It's like being a motivational speaker for a team who sometimes doesn't realize they have a game. I must always toe the line, put on the brave front and run into battle head held high...at least it feels like that sometimes. Now there are other factors such as having a full time job, an additional poly partner, social engagements and other obligations that obviously bog down my free time and prevent me from being stress-free but at my core I am a dominant. I like being in charge. I like controlling most aspects of my life and having an influential say in the lives around me.
This training program has taught me more about myself than I ever thought it would. Not, that I thought I knew it all, but I thought I had a good grasp on what being a 24/7 D/s couple would entail.
I did not.
I've realized I'm nit-picky and more 'Type A' than I wanted to admit. I don't accept that others do things differently and sometimes less efficiently than I would. I'm confrontational without wanting an argument. I tend to shoulder more responsibility in situations than I reasonably should or have to. I get lost in thought on things I can't change and overanalyze those that I can. I forget to relax when it's time to do so and I shift "me time" around so much Google calendar can't even find it. I'm impatient yet sometimes unwilling to complete a task. I'm an alpha, short fused, stressor who is competitively driven in most aspects. All the warning signs while feverishly writing a 15 week training program start to finish in 12 days should've raised a flag. On paper and in my mind I had training all figured out and didn't plan for any hiccups, bumps, or other inconsistencies.
"Of course it would be perfect" I thought to myself.
But it's not and I have to learn that it's okay. I've been so fixated on my very patient and caring puppy's imperfections that I've been blind to all of my own. I've tried to pass them off as "every dominant wants what they want", which is true but not an excuse for my lack of introspective growth and poor time management.
He is still my boy.
He is still my pet.
He is still my lover.
He is still my everything.
Even if he can't cook all the things I like, clean as spotlessly as I would, kneel for as long as I would like, or take a beating as harsh as I "dreamed' of giving, the effort he puts in to do so means something. I need to make the effort to see devotion and love he shows when they're staring me in the face. The most important lesson I've needed re-iterated through training is that he is a person. He isn't meant to be perfect. But that certainly doesn't mean he isn't good enough to be mine someday.
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| Beautiful consent |
4 comments:
I love this, not least because of your self awareness and honesty in it, but also because I don't think we see this perspective much (because a lot of domly types want to gloss over it).
Dominants are as guilty of having some fantasy in their heads as submissives, but we only ever hear 'everyone' complain about the latter. The former goes mostly hidden as dominants stumble through and have bad endings to relationships without ever figuring out that THEY are being unrealistic in their ideas of what the relationship 'should' be like.
I think there is often a LOT of burn-out because the dominant thinks they have to 'play a role' 24/7 and do *everything*, and I think there is also often a lot of blame (he's not a good submissive, he doesn't do what I want, he doesn't listen etc etc). Put them both together with not enough introspection and 'working as a team' and you have a big problem.
I'm so glad to see you talking about it. And I wish you both the very best of luck sorting it out.
Ferns
(as an aside, your blogroll shows my last post being 1 year ago... I'd guess your feed link is the wrong one because it's been a week or so at most).
I really love this post.
It's hard on both sides. I didn't think it would be hard for him--I saw that Dom side in him, should only take a month or so for him to figure it all out. I didn't think it would be hard for me--he asks or tells and I do, what could be hard about that? It was just all so simple, nevermind the twelve previous vanilla years we spent together, of course we'll jump right in and have no problems. Turns out I can be quite the handful and he is a bit hardheaded. Finding our way through these things together have only deepened what we have, surely it will do the same for you.
Also, how you describe yourself here, that entire paragraph, describes Daddy so well, it's kinda remarkable. Lol.
I'm so happy you have your everything!
@Ferns: Thanks for the headsup, I fixed it :) It should be updating properly. I'm glad to see someone appreciates the other side of being a dominant, I know it's not often spoken of but I really think it's something important to address. I've been keeping up with your stuff as well, hope you feel better soon *hug*
@Misty: It's definitely hard on both sides! Good to know some others have made it out to the other side mostly unscathed. Thanks for the comment!
Thank you for sharing such an insightful and reflective post. I think it takes years of adjustments on the part of a Dominant to bring out the best in a submissive. By acknowledging your own strengths and weaknesses I think you're well on your way.
Good luck!
Diane
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