Feed the need

I imagine if vampires were real this must be what they feel like. This ebb and flow of urgency that runs thru them undetected by others.

I feel the urgency today. I feel the need to spank, bite, spit, slap. I feel the Dominant side in me raging against all that I portray today.

It is like a hunger inside me that I try to quiet when not needed. But I think last night has pushed me closer again. 

Time with the new bf is great. I love it! He touches me in such a way and surrenders at all the right moments. He knows what I want. He begged me to spit in his mouth last night but I declined. Several times. I know that if he had asked just once more I would've done it. I wanted to do it.

I love spitting in his mouth. I realize that others might think this is disgusting or "dirty" but theoretically speaking it's no different than french kissing. I see spitting in his mouth as the ultimate sign that I own him. It's not the collar, leash, or even the kneeling. It's him, taking what I want discarded from my mouth into himself. 

And the sound it makes as I spit into his eager, open, empty mouth...I'm swooning just thinking about it.

Days like these it feels hard to fight the urge to play out my BDSM side. But, we have agreed to take it slowly, even though we both miss the things we did in that realm.

Last night we fooled around. I grabbed and twisted and bit his nipples and he moaned in delight. I love the almost high-pitched moan he tries to contain when I bite or suck on his nipples. As he fucked me I spanked his ass. I also scratched all up and down is back as I reached orgasm.

Why do I like abusing his body so much? 

Is it because I know he will take it? 
Is it because I know he likes it? 
Is it because he verbally begs for what I physically want to give?
Is it because thru and thru I am just one kinky bitch?

When he is manly and takes my hand or walks ahead of me when we are out I get sexually aroused and chills run thru my body because I know in the bedroom he will be my bitch. He will beg for me to do unspeakable things to him...and he will like them.

I love that to the naked eye we are just a couple but behind closed doors he will be mine in any way I choose.

I am happy to be in a relationship with him now. I am focusing all of my emotional energy on him for once and it isn't half as hard as I thought it might be.

I cannot wait to see where this beautiful ebb and flow takes us...

23 days later

I was horny as fuck.

It had been 23 days since I last had sex and for me that seems like a lifetime. 

I woke up horny, went to sleep horny, had intense sex dreams and then repeated the cycle. It was maddening and it was driving me crazy.  

But the dry spell has ended. I just wanted to let the world know that women DO get horny. We do want to fuck anything that walks by with a pair of balls. We do start to fantasize about the cute waiter. We do dry hump various items around the house. Oh yes women, I have outed us...given away another one of our dirty little secrets haha.  

All the waiting I did was worth it. I got to have sex with the one person I have been dreaming about: my former. We are going to try dating each other exclusively. I'm happy...but I am also cautious (for now anyway), as I'm sure he is. We don't want to make the same mistakes and I know we don't want to disappoint each other. This time we are going to take things slow. I'm going to focus on working on us as people and as a couple before I integrate any BDSM back into our relationship. It will take time to build the trust back but I'm more than willing to put in the effort.  

Last night when he stayed over we just hung out and enjoyed each other. We both wanted to do some BDSM things but tried to veer away from it. Eventually he begged me to try on the CB-6000 and I said no at first but gave in. I tried to contain my giddiness as we slipped it on his cock. I laughed out loud at all the trouble we were having because every time we got the device close to his cock, he would start to get hard. I had to stop touching is cock all together and make him think of random things as opposed to me sitting there half-drunk and fully naked. Once the device was on I secured it with one of the plastic locks; the kind that are mainly used during traveling to sneak thru metal detectors un-noticed. 

We agreed the metal lock was a symbol of permanence and this was just to test out the device. So, the plastic lock it was. He looked wonderful in it! For the first 10 minutes he was walking funny, as this is the first time he had worn a chastity device but he quickly got use to the feeling. It was all I could to do to keep from staring at it and taking in all its glory. We sat and talked for a while before he had forgotten that he was wearing it. He decided not to sleep with the CB6K and that was fine with me. All in all it was a good night. I hope that our time together continues on this path. It's the first time in months that I have felt that we are moving forward and in a direction that seems headed for improvement.
 

Horoscope of the day:

You may be feeling a bit confused today, dear Aries, and it may seem as if the wind has suddenly been taken out of your sails. Don't get discouraged by the slow weightiness of the day. Take this opportunity to relax and recharge your batteries. Do a bit of inward reflection as opposed to outer-directed movement. The most valuable lesson you need to learn is patience. Get started on this lesson early and remind yourself of it throughout the day.

I'm wondering...

When is enough enough? I literally have a million and one things I should be doing right now but I can't. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking today (surprise surprise) and I've just reached this dead end question. Over the past few weeks my former and I have been "trying" (and failing miserably) to fix our "relationship" (take note readers of all the " " being used here). 

The problem doesn't lie within our ability or inability to faithfully execute what needs to be done but moreso in the things surrounding us. Unfortunately we cannot control outside forces that seem to have these "MONUMENTAL" affects on us. I say that in such a way to reinforce that I do not agree that these things are too big for us to ever get over. I believe often that where there's a will...there's a fucking way.  

But it can't be perfect. You can't get this overly specific, highly detailed reenactment in your mind of the way you want things to play out and then when they don't blow a gasket and say "Fuck it!". *sigh* Life isn't about perfectly planned out scenarios. I believe it was John Lennon who said: "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans."

Yes John, life happens especially when you're busy trying to plan shit out detail-by-detail. Now, when is everyone else going to get the memo?

A walk in the park

I was walking in the city today when I couldn't help but notice a couple in the park. The female of the pair was looking over her shoulder at something as the male bent down to tie her shoelace. This was a minor but selfless gesture that made me smile. I was probably more excited than I should have been to see a man on his knees. I admit it's been far too long but I didn't realize I had missed it so much.

The idea of a man on his knees for me again made me tingle!

I genuinely miss having my slave at my feet. But more than that I just miss having him around and spending time with him on a personal level.

I doubt the couple in the park had any idea the message that they were conveying to me with a simple act such as tying ones shoe. It makes me giggle when I think of what a dirty mind I have sometimes...

Friday Fill-In #1

This is my first Friday Fill-In...so enjoy!

1. When will there be beauty in the breakdown?

2. Bliss was the last good book I read.

3. Everything has its beauty but it's always in the eye of the beholder.

4. Chicken tenders and french fries is what I had for dinner.

5. I'd like your mouth on my lips.

6. Dreamland is where I want to be right now.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to sorting out my thoughts, tomorrow my plans include much of the same and Sunday, I want to take sleeping pills to forget about it all!

Rant: BDSM is just not that into you

This has been bugging me for quite some time: People who think using handcuffs or tying up their bf/gf once automatically means they're 'into" BDSM.

Get real.

I'm sorry, call me a bitch (it wouldn't be the first or last time) but I'm a bit of an elitist here. I think BDSM goes far beyond some cheap $5 handcuffs and loosely tying someone up. If anything this means you're flirting with the idea of being kinky. 

Kinky ≠ BDSM.

To me, BDSM is 90% mindfuck, 10% props. Seeing a submissive on their knees does a lot more for me than tying them to a chair. Hearing the words "You own me" get me more wet than any pair of handcuffs ever have. For me, BDSM is all about the power exchange.

When did everyone decide to hop on the BDSM Express? You think because you saw Secretary or a few primetime shows with reference to the scene you have BDSM all figured out? If hear one more of my "friends" claim to be into BDSM without ever having experienced it...I think I will scream. I understand some people research, and talk, and plan, and plot before engaging in an activity and if I thought that any of the people throwing around the BDSM name had the wherewithal to actually follow thru I'd shut-up....but they don't. Hence my supreme need for a rant.

I promise not to think any less of you if you're not into BDSM, I can't say the same if you act like a poser...

Wishlist Wednesday #2

I've realized that I spend a lot of time mindlessly surfing the net to look at the newest, most tantalizing, sexy items that I can find. I decided to share some of my favorites. I've named my lineup "Wishlist Wednesday"
Enjoy!

Nipple Clamps & Cock Ring

This is an ingenious idea! The harder your puppet gets the more pain he'll receive. This is a device definitely designed for the ever-needing masochist. It almost takes all of the fun out it for the Mistress...almost.

Spandex Hood

Generally speaking I don't use hoods. I somewhat dislike them. I find them a tad scary. Especially the ones with spikes and leather *shudder* But, this one was non-threatening and playful enough for me to enjoy at least aesthetically. I think the material helps as much as the mouth being large and not containing any zippers.

Liquid Latex
Ahh, the endless joys of liquid latex. I've never played with this myself but have stood by in awe as others have. There's something semi-innocent (remember painting in grade school) coupled with complete kink that makes this tantalizing for me.

Further down the rabbit hole...

I've been neglecting my blog. It wasn't on purpose and believe me, this blog has become a somewhat therapeutic release that I desire. It's just the past two weeks has been an ebb and flow of things; friends, family, life.  

The week before last (the week following the drunken sex with my former) I spent the entire week with him. He was on vacation and I was lucky enough to occupy his time. We talked, we drank (God, did we drink!), and of course there was more sex. I noticed immediately that drunken or not my Domme tendencies were prevalent. And since we were not together as Mistress and slave, I found it necessary if not down-right polite to ask him before I did anything too 'Mistressy' to him. 

Of course he said yes, he never says no to me, and so I scratched him, bit him, sucked his tongue, hummed with his cock in my mouth, and fucked him into a frenzy. I think the entire week we were together his dick never got soft haha. I've been reading a good training manual and book called "Erotic Slavehood" and it's a very interesting insight into a sub/slave's mind. The reading is good but I know that my former and I have to work together as people, as a couple (if we choose), before BDSM can be reintroduced into our lives. As it stands now (the end of this week), I know in my heart I have some important decision and soul-searching to do. Life cannot always be all tease and denial...  

So, we shall see where this wicked winding road leads us.

You be you and I'll be me

I woke up this morning naked, drunk, in a strange apartment and slightly sore between my legs. I know, that's one hell of a Thursday night...but let me back up the story so I don't come off sounding like a five-dollar hooker who was slipped some roofies. 

Tuesday night I had my first real kiss in 16 days. It was soft. It was smoky. It was sincere. And it was from my former slave. On Tuesday my former dropped off some items of mine that he had. I was asleep when he did so. Later that night I got a hold of him because he said he was going to burn the journal that he had been keeping for me when we were together. I couldn't let that happen. I'm a firm believer that once something is written, it can't and shouldn't be unwritten. He said I could have it if I didn't want him to burn it. So we met. 

He came to my house and I had a bag of his things left behind waiting for him. It was a quick and sterile exchange. He handed me the journal and I handed him the bag. I offered him his slave registration certificate (the birthday present I gave him earlier this month) but he refused stating that he wasn't my slave anymore. He turned around and left. He was like the wind, gone almost as fast as he had arrived.  

Once back inside I looked thru the journal; foolishly hoping that there would be a hidden message for me somewhere in it but there wasn't. But I did realize that he had put our contract and some other papers within the journal. This coupled with his rejection of the slave registration made my heart heavy. I felt like we were just two passing strangers and these papers, these words that could never be unwritten were our only connection. I started feeling depressed with such thoughts so I tried to distract myself, I started looking for work. While I was in the middle of that mindless task he texted me. We talked about not hating one another, this is where I informed him I could never hate him. He was too special and I loved him too much to ever feel that way about him. I was glad to hear that he felt the same. 

Somehow in our chatting I mentioned that I wanted to hug him earlier but he seemed set on just giving me the journal and then leaving. He said he could come give me a goodbye hug. And he did. "This is probably the last time we'll ever see each" was the first thing he said upon arrival. When he came back later and pulled up in the same manner as before so I thought he was just going to give me a hug then get in his car and leave but we begin talking and actually stood outside for almost 2 hours. The time was filled with rehashing our mistakes, future plans (he's thinking of moving back overseas), hugging, tears (from me), and his kisses. He asked me before he kissed me, which I thought was sweet. I couldn't decline...even if he had smoked several cigarettes beforehand. He finally said he was going home to sleep and I stood on the sidewalk and watched his tail lights disappear into tiny red blotches that were almost non-existing .  

All Wednesday I thought about him. I thought that I had gotten good at pushing him out of my mind. I had almost convinced myself I was on the road to moving on but after seeing him, just for that first few minutes I knew I wasn't. I loved him as much as ever and seeing him again just made me miss him so much more. In the midst of my daze my friends impolitely reminded me that I had canceled my date with the potential slave on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. That was the 5th "date" I've canceled. I'm hoping my friends get the message that I don't want to be set up. I did talk to this slave because he was interesting and was a good conversationalist but emotionally I cannot have anyone else. It's still him. He's still the one. Thursday lulled by. I talked with my ex about what I was feeling and what I should do but of course no definite determination was decided. "Whatever happens happens" was his ending response.  

Thursday night I got a call from my former. He wanted to meet for drinks. He said he was bored and was looking for something to do. I agreed to meet him because he sounded lonely and I missed him, it was a win-win situation. At first at the bar we seemed to not really be there. We seemed outside of ourselves, viewing the tedious, polite conversation from above. It wasn't until we were on our 5th beer and 1st shot of vodka that things loosened up a bit. We got drunk. Really, really drunk. It felt like we were the only two people in the crowded bar. We laughed, we talked, we connected again. And there was honesty. Somehow it was decided that we go back to his place. I had never been before (this was something I desperately wanted before when we were together) so even in my drunken stupor I was excited. God only knows how I managed to drive to his apartment but I did...and all without crashing (please no hate comments on drunk driving, it's very bad I know I know). 

When we got there we continued making out as we had in the bar. As usual when I drink, my clothes starting coming off. I began biting him and tugging at his clothes. Naked in bed we talked some more and he asked me if I would stay the night. 

He said he didn't want me to leave. I wasn't planning on leaving...  

"What the fuck are we doing?" he asked me at some point.  

"What feels right" I replied.  

We cuddled, we kissed, he kissed me all over my body, we made love where be begged to fill me, and eventually we fell asleep in each other's arms. The sex was a somewhat primal, passionate, but needy act that didn't feel forced or wrong. It felt beautiful. Last night we weren't Mistress and slave...we were just him and me. He woke me up this morning with more kisses and more attempts at love making.

A girl could get use to waking up to this every morning...

Wishlist Wednesday

I've realized that I spend a lot of time mindlessly surfing the net to look at the newest, most tantalizing, sexy items that I can find. I decided to share some of my favorites. I've named my lineup "Wishlist Wednesday"

Enjoy!

Posture CollarI have a special place in my little Mistress heart for collars. Something about seeing any subbie of mine in a collar just gets me going. There's nothing like knowing that with one tug he'll be at my feet. I've been especially been drawn to the posture collars because I like their restraining ability and what it'll mean for getting a sub's attention.

Dildo/Strap-On Harness

So far in my years of practicing BDSM I have never used a strap-on on a sub. Crazy I know! This is a been a growing curiosity of mine that I can't wait to fulfill. I'm looking for something very similar to this harness.

Slut Paddle

Every slut needs to be reminded of their status...which is under my toe! I love this paddle because it's the gift that keeps on giving long after I've stopped spanking.