Shattered dreams

Tears obscure my vision as I type these words.

I've been bawling for hours now and I'm just about all out of tears.
I have fucked up.
I have taken the main component of every functioning relationship (BDSM or vanilla), trust, and I have smashed it to bits.

I cheated on my slave.
Yes technically it's cheating because he didn't agree to enter a relationship with me that involved another slave, just the bf.

For those of you who think this entry might be too "vanilla" and too "dramatic" please kindly fuck off and hit the red x in the top right corner of your screen.

For those of you who care to read on it's as simple as any other mistake.
I fucked up.
Despite all my reasons, all my efforts, all my lame excuses it happened.

I am not happy about it. It was only ONE time but it has caused significant damage.

My slave has been trying to get me to come clean for about almost 2 weeks now and I have lied. I've had a hard time looking at myself in the mirror every night, despite what he thinks.

I did/do care about him. I would never do anything to directly hurt him
But in all honesty I didn't think he cared.
I just thought I was another casual Mistress to fill his time with.
I did not think that he cared about me...that he may possibly be in love me.

No, that was not even in the farthest reach of my mind.

I feel like a horrible person. I feel like I should just stand in front of the firing squad and let them have their way with me. Most of all I feel lost. This isn't me.

So, if you don't see me around for a bit it's not because I don't care. It's because I am mending my dignity. It's because I have no more crafty words. It's because I'm facing the music and no one is dancing...

***And if said former slave is reading, I am sorry. I didn't mean to distrust you. You have to understand that once you get fucked over by too many people you stop trusting everyone. We all make mistakes and I hope that someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me and that you understand you didn't do anything to warrant this.****