Day 1: Random ramblings

I can quickly see why that horrible current internet phenomenon "Twitter" might be so popular. I definitely have the urge to micro-blog, to get the thoughts swirling around in my head on paper or out into the cyber world. It almost feels like too much for me to collectively go thru. There were more tears last night. And I'm sure there will be for awhile. 

For anyone who knows me personally and reads this I'm sure you will find that shocking; as many of you have never seen me cry, probably never knew I was capable of it haha. But fear not I am human. Despite my best efforts to remain neutral, in control, and always composed...this is me breaking down. I tried to sleep. No success. I was just starting to conquer the chronic insomnia (it actually helped to have my slave fall asleep with me) but last night I took my regular dosage: 6 sleeping pills. I should be happy for the 3 hours of sleep it granted me but really it just pisses me off. They aren't called "Napping Pills" dammit. I want to sleep, sleep and feel numb and tumble into dreamworld where things aren't so fucked up. Where I'm not so fucked up.  

I'm sleeping on just my mattress. I removed the sheets, the blankets, fuck even the pillowcases all because they smell like him. I admittedly have passed his collar several times just to smell the ever fading scent of him. Will I ever smell his cologne again? As I was drifting off last night I could only think of his smile the first time I met him. It was the smile I had come to expect and worry over when it wasn't present. I can only imagine what I've done to his smile... I talked with the bf last night for over 5 hours (sometimes he's a doll like that), running in circles in my head. He listened to me cry, get angry, calm down, talk, cry some more, question my human weakness, it was a vicious cycle. My only thought kept being, Why, why did I do this? It was miscommunication but I am the Queen of saying what's on my mind. I don't know why I didn't express my feelings/fear that my slave might not be taking things seriously to my slave himself!  

I've talked to all my friends, vanilla and bdsm alike and the consensus across the board is I did mess up. But many of them are split on the outcome of the issue. 75% of them think this is something forgivable, 20% think this is unforgivable, 5% think it is based entirely off the two people involved. At least they all forgive me. I wish I could enjoy the comfort in that more. My former seems to think I took pleasure, pride, joy from cheating. I did not. It was only for ONE time (and yes I will keep harping that dammit) and it wasn't what I expected. But the reality of it was stark within moments of playing with the other sub. I feel like the very essence of everything I was had been violated, and I had invited that. 

I can only go as Freudian as my 3 years worth of Psychology will let me and branch out to say I made a secret second profile on Collarme and a second blog here because on some level I wanted to get caught. I wanted to be found out. Many people I know tell me I have a flawless personality. Yes I have actually heard these words several times. It's unnerving. It's nearly heart stopping to hear that people think you don't have flaws. The pressure of that statement alone is enough to make you want to spit in their face. I am flawless. I am full of flaws. I cuss at my Mom, I pee with the door open, I snore, I can be a royal bitch when I'm hungry, I always think I'm right, I can be too logical, etc etc. I am riddled with flaws. Just like you, or her, or him, or anyone else. It's the beauty and tragedy of being human...
"He who is devoid of the power to forgive, is deviod of the power to love." -Martin Luther King, Jr.