Day 2: Will I ever be the same?
It's 9am. I type this as my former sleeps in my bed.
He breathes heavily and softly all at once, almost sounding like a soft
motor in a car. It seems effortless. You'd almost forget he's hurting.
I stare at his face, studying the lines and definitions, that even in
the darkness of the room I can still make out from the splashing
sunshine thru the door cracks. I want to touch him and be touched by
him. When I graze his face lightly with the back of my hand he purrs
softly but does not wake. You'd almost forget that he his hurting. I
don't want to forget him. I don't want to forget what he looks like so
peaceful so I look harder at his closed eyes, his soft lips and
beautiful skin. I want to feel him kiss me. Kiss my feet and place those
tiny, quick kisses all over my body again...but somehow I am not sure I
deserve that ever again.
He came over because I
texted him that I just needed someone. I
didn't want to be alone. Not tonight. Not again. And without words he
came. I almost thought I was dreaming when he walked thru the door.
Surely I did not deserve his kindness. But we talked and still...he was
angry. And rightfully so. He said that for now he would be my friend and
nothing more.
This is more than I could ask for.
He is concerned with
my sleeping. This is Day 2 without him, but Day 4 for me with no real
sleep. I get 20 minutes here and there but my mind is too busy and my
heart is too heavy for slumber to overcome me. He tries everything to
help me fall asleep, even holding me close to him; an opportunity I
selfishly take to inhale his intoxicating scent. But tonight I do not
smell his cologne. I just smell him, it is a bit sweet with his sweat
and own body scent. This is the first time I have smelled him and I like
this better than the cologne.
I crawled out of bed
while he fell asleep. He had a bad dream and called out my name, my
actual name not "Mistress" and I awoke him to make sure he was okay. I
am assuming it was a bad dream because surely he cannot think well of
me...even in his dreams.
After he fell quickly back to sleep I came
here...to my addiction. Writing. Typing. It soothes me when nothing else
will do.
I go by Mistress L. I use to tell people the "L" stood for Lovely. But now I think it stands for something else: Loser, Lame, Liar, Lost...
I am not myself. I cannot eat. I cannot sleep. All I do is think and the thoughts are ever consuming.
He says that we will
just have to see what happens, that good things happen to good people.
But what happens to good people who do bad things? Are they granted
deliverance? Or are they eternally scarred, never fully to recover from
their shame?
1 comment:
I met your little green/gray eyed slave a year ago and got very attached to him. While I took him and his penchant for begging seriously, he was playing games -- telling lies too numerous to mention, messing up and begging for forgiveness over and over again.
I wouldn't beat Myself up over what happened if I were you after all you are the Mistress. I find it amazing that he's now playing the wounded victim, considering, he dished out the same thing last year. Why does he find it strange that less than a year later he got what he gave to someone else?
If he cares about you that much perhaps he can find it in his heart to forgive you as he wanted others to forgive him last year and as late as January 2009 when he f'ed up.
In any case, I wish you both the best. (Naturally I gloated and had a good laugh when I came across this drama on his profile, I won't lie, it felt good knowing that someone screwed with his head like he did with mine). Having said that, I'll end on a classy note and suggest to you that if it's meant to be it will be. If it's not, it's a learning experience to prepare you for the next wonderful person coming into your lives.
Queen
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